Autistic Memory and Attention To Detail - Are you a Perfectionist?

Do you find yourself remembering things at the wrong time? Not forgetting entirely, more like remembering too late? Could it be related to autistic memory? I feel like I have a mistimed brain because I tend to remember or notice things at the wrong times. Meanwhile, I still remember and keep an eye on each step of the process because I want to do it perfectly. However, getting things perfect is a physically and mentally exhausting process. Also, it doesn’t help that we get labeled as pedantic, stubborn, rigid, perfectionist, and inflexible. In this video, I'll share the challenges I've experienced and the strategies I use to avoid overwhelming cognitive load.

🎞️Timestamps:
0:00 Introduction
0:30 My Mistimed Brain
3:23 Is this perfectionism?
5:03 The Autistic Labels/Stereotypes
7:17 Have a finish line
10:30 The Right Way versus The Perfect Way

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If you're autistic or think you or someone you love might be on the autism spectrum, this channel is for you!
I'm Paul Micallef, and I discovered my own autism at age 30.

Yes, I know, I don't look autistic. That's exactly why I started this channel in the first place because if I didn't show you, you would never know.

Autism affects many (if not all!) aspects of our lives, so on this channel, I want to show you what Autism looks like in real people and give you some insight into what's happening for us on the inside. We'll break down myths and misconceptions, discuss how to embrace autism and live well, and share what it's like to be an autistic person.

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Peace,

~ Paul

#autism #asd #autismawareness

[hedwigwendell-crumb]

I cannot believe how spot on this gentleman is at describing my life experiences. Particularly the section on perfectionism. I always found this to be a good trait in myself. I did not realise, until late in life, that NT people do not like this trait. They do not like attention to be drawn to their mistakes. Whereas I like to be told when I have made a mistake so I can correct it and learn from it.

[ZhovtoBlakytniy]

I'm a perfectionist to the point that I can't get anything done, at least never on time. I don't even want to start unless it will be just right. 😢

[PeteLewisWoodwork]

I often spend ages editing a comment (like this one) to make sure it is right before posting it, though I've only checked and corrected this one about ten times.

[catherinecummins]

This resonates loud and clear with me, but it also helps me to think better of myself. I always feel so judgemental when I find the mistakes and errors of others, but it is not that, just how my brain works.

[newsjunkie]

I also proofread my emails 100 times before sending. I've tried to train myself not to do that, but it made me feel miserable. So, now I've reframed it - I no longer think of it as a useless time-waster, but as something that makes me happy.

[viisaus]

This explains perfectly my issue with my current job as programmer and why it feels like I take way more time to finish a task than others. I'm just unable to accept my changes until there's literally not a single error that I can find any part of the code I've touched. I also have hard time controlling myself and not start fixing errors that I've also just seen, but do not relate to my current task.

[tshaika]

This is such a perfect description of the executive functioning problems. No wonder it is sometimes easier to avoid doing it at all, instead of taking the risk of doing something with uncontrollable imperfections that could potentially have all sorts of unpleasant consequences.

[victorhugotoledocofre]

2500% perfectionist here. I'm a musician. After I've finished writing the score of a symphony or a concerto, and before sending it out to the publishers', I know it's exclusively me and no one else to double, triple, quadruple, quintuple (and so on) check my product. NO FLAWS ALLOWED, because no else is able to correct my work the way I intended it to represent the music coming out of my soul and brain. The same goes for languages. I'm a Spanish native speaker (which is obviously fully controlled linguistically by my brain). When writing or communicating in my non-native languages, like English, German, French, Portuguese, Italian, etc., I ALWAYS multiple-check my spelling, the grammar, the nuances, the diacritics, the accents, the inflections, etc. I know it sounds WAAY obssessive, but I think it's long been fuelled by the fact I was born and raised many years ago in a Latin American "cultural realm" where no one seems to give a damn about "correctness" and "accuracy"; where everything you do is allowed to be "naturally and beautifully imperfect", and just to be left alone "as is". As the autistic grown-up I am, I certainly rebel against that. Not tiresome or energy-consuming for me, I'm capable of doing it; it's just an honest expression of my true autistic self.

[marthamurphy]

I'm a craftsperson. I pay attention to details, but nothing I make is ever perfect. I've had to accept that. When my daughter was little, I learned the concept of "good enough" from her. She was making a clay candle holder for her grandma for Christmas. After a while she said, "It's good enough." She was finished. I try to fix most mistakes, but eventually I just have to say, "It's good enough." Quilters have a saying, "Finished is better than perfect."

[johnfsenpai]

I think it might be why I am slow at some things. It has a negative impact on my grades (I answer half of the questions in an exam perfectly and lack the time to answer the other half) and on my hobbies too (it takes me forever to make a decision in a strategy game, so for example I never got close to finishing a game of Civilization)

[chiaratiara]

@Autism from the inside, I will get round to emailing you soon. But about this video, I was highly amused, not only because I've been there but also have spent a lifetime developing strategies to avoid what you described. Having trained as a teaching assistant for dyslexic adults, I also recognise that almost everything you mentioned can be avoided by taking time to plan, and giving thought to what you want to achieve - before starting to act. The desire to save time and effort is an ADHD trait I think, exacerbated by the forgetfulness you describe which is a trait that goes along with the spelling mistake thing, where your brain is racing ahead of where you are with actually scribing the thought you want to share. The fastest way to check for SPELLING mistakes, after you know you've ordered the text to communicate the 'message' accurately, is to start at the END, and read each word as a standalone code. That way your brain does not skip over words when reading forwards, that might be misspelled, because when reading forwards you are subconsciously checking for meaning (which should have already been achieved), wasting brain space and mental energy that should be focused on checking spelling only..

I completely agree about packing but I start with everything possible out and in view, then work out what I cannot take, don't need after all, or choose to do without because it's the least important to include. Lists. INDISPENSIBLE!

[IagoXimen]

Over the years it has been easier to let go the need to redo something, but I still can see what could have been done better. I choose not to redress the issue. The funny thing is I see all the mistakes. I just don't have the energy to redo. And you are right, most people are oblivious.

[azu_rikka]

Absolutely true! I observed that non- autistic people are generally happy with 60-80% done ('better done than perfect'), whereas autistic people like to reach as close to 100% as possible.
Also with understanding- autistic people have the need to understand everything that is communicated, whereas NT's think they understand it all, even if they only understand 60% of what was communicated.

[EarthLovingFrequency]

Two strategies that help with the "mismatched memory" issue. One: I've developed systems that avoid or don't require the use of memory: like, always putting my wallet, keys, etc. that I need every time I go out in the exact same spot so that they will all go in my pocket, etc together; I use the same strategy for scissors, etc. (this can seem like OCD because the habit can seem like "compulsion" but it's really panic, knowing that I'd spend my entire life looking for wallet, keys, scissors, etc. if I didn't have this strong habit of "everything has a place and is always put in it" for important stuff). Similarly, I pack the passport first; and when I was traveling a lot, I kept a bag packed with everything I needed: toiletries, pajamas, slippers, coffee & way to make it, etc. and only had to add whatever clothing I needed for however long I'd be gone. That way my memory and executive function would be taxed the least (or something like "think/remember once, read many" to maximize the reach/effectiveness what executive function I managed to muster). I remember being terrified in Middle School when I was suddenly responsible for remembering my own homework assignments. It was horrifically hard. I learned to leave large notes in front of my bedroom door so I'd have to move them to leave my room. I also learned the strict habit (still have to sometimes remind myself to this day - 5 decades later) of "do it NOW while you are thinking about it". That's similar to the advice I once read for executives: "one touch" decision making - do whatever needs doing while you are reading the letter/email/whatever the first time & get it off your mind. I've had older partners who complained about their CRS ("can't remember sh*t") as they aged & was surprised and a bit frustrated, as I've had to develop systems and habits for my "CRS" since I was, like 10. I'm thinking of offering a class for local seniors on "strategies for dealing with CRS" LOL

Two: Recently (in the past couple years) I've also begun to notice that I often have a particular, niggling little feeling/sensation that, I've learned, means I'm forgetting something. I'm learning to develop the habit for checking if I'm having this feeling before I commit to going out. When I learned about the method called Internal Family Systems (quite powerful and awesome, and you can learn it free/cheap -- there's a series of meditations on the free app Insight Timer, for example, by the founder/inventor - worth checking out), I decided that this feeling means that some "Part" of me does remember, it's just not getting "air time" or able to fully enter my consciousness. What I noticed, over time, is that when I ignore this rather subtle feeling, I invariably find I've forgotten something. What I do now is to at least semi-consciously check in to see if I'm having that feeling before I leave the house and, if I do, to turn around and/or follow where ever it feels like I should go. Usually, I go back to my office/bedroom and every time I see something that's like "Oh! I'm glad I didn't forget that!". Recently, as I was headed to the car I even thought "the cat's out & it's raining, but oh well, I guess she'll come in when I'm back". As I was about to open the front door I had that feeling. I mentally went over everything I could have forgotten but really couldn't think of anything (wallet -- check; keys - check; shopping list - etc.) but, as I'm learning better, I followed the feeling anyway, and went back to my room expecting to find something glaring sitting out that I'd forgotten. Instead, I found the cat at the sliding door, wanting to come in out of the rain! So, I don't know if it will work for everyone, but it's really helping me to try to pay attention, even to small niggling feelings, and see if there's some "Part" of me that *is* tracking what's hard for me to track and, somehow, does "know" what I'm forgetting. Given that the model in IFS is that our Parts are younger, "inner child" kind of neural-associations or networks, I always try to appreciate and thank whatever "Part" of me is able to and is looking out for me/the whole of us. Works for me, so far!

[ThroughTheLensOfAutism]

People do say I pay attention to detail, though I still wouldn’t say I am a perfectionist. Still sometimes I try to do everything the same way, even if it is not perfect.

[itisdevonly]

Oh, that *really* resonated, especially with how I approach writing. My biggest issue is that my mental idea of "better" is "includes more information and/or gives me more satisfaction that I've said what's on my mind" so the more I edit, the longer and longer the text gets. Even when I *know* that longer isn't better and edit with the intent of cutting and making it shorter, I still somehow end up making it longer instead. Whether it's an email or a youtube comment, my writing has a tendency to get completely out of hand in terms of length. Sometimes I need character limits to rein me in.

You said you like verbal communication because you can't go back and edit... Well, this is only half true. You can't go back, but you can edit by saying the same thing over again, but slightly differently/from a different angle. You'll just annoy your conversation partner by over-explaining. But my little sister and I both do this at times. 😅

I've been making a concerted effort over time to let things go and stop coming back to make corrections, because otherwise it could go on indefinitely. I'm getting better at declaring things "good enough" and not making a fuss, for example, if I sent something with a typo in it. It is definitely a challenge, though.

[michaelrainbow]

Boy oh boy, do I relate! Though I will say, I used to have a problem with editing my oral communication as well. I would often call people back after a conversation just to clear up something I had said that could've been taken the wrong way -- or just taken any way other than what I intended. I had to close off as many avenues of interpretation as possible so that there was no possibility of misinterpretation, no matter how slight or inconsequential. I have been called pedantic in the past because of this self-editing and obsession with being precise. I'm glad I've learned to dial it back . . . because it is exhausting.

[kensears]

This is me 100%. Like when it comes to traveling, I am so afraid of that last-minute forgetting, especially when it comes to the most critical documents that can destroy your trip if you forget them, that to forestall any such possibility I start packing, checking, re-checking, isolating and prominently placing the most vital items where they cannot be forgotten, days or a week ahead. This brings me that reassurance that, as you put it, my "one shot" at getting this right is thoroughly taken care of, it won't go wrong. By the way, I long decided I'm absolutely NOT going to do that completely unnecessary and herd-like physical "phone" gesture when I mention phoning somebody.

[karenb]

I can relate to everything you said! Especially the preference for talking to people on the phone instead of emails or texts so that I can just get it over with and not revisit it over and over. Also, I like to travel and although the initial packing is agonizing, it’s so much fun to go places and not have to make decisions every day about what to bring…
However, when I travel, I do find myself making lists of the things I forgot so I can bring them next time.
Just when I think maybe I am not on the spectrum, after all, I watch one of your videos, and everything resonates 100%!

[jesterr]

Lol. Your description of the "double checking" process is so true. Even when commenting on Youtube, I will proofread every comment for spelling, punctuation, and grammatical mistakes before I post it. After posting, I will read it again to ensure that I didn't make any mistakes. I will usually find myself correcting it multiple times. Leaving a typo in something I have written would literally make my head explode.