The Power of Lies to Transform Your Love Life

Relationships suffer from a fundamental tension between the desire to be honest and the fear of being abandoned. We go into relationships in order to be ‘ourselves’ but were we to really be entirely ourselves, there is a high risk we would be left. Could silence be the price we have to pay for companionship? Or is there another way?

FURTHER READING

“Relationships suffer from a fundamental tension between the desire to be honest and the fear of being abandoned. We go into relationships in order to be ‘ourselves’ but were we to really be entirely ourselves, there is a high risk we would be left. Silence seems the price we have to pay for companionship. However much we may claim to be open minded, very few of us genuinely make room for another’s complexity in so far as we are its targets. We say they can ‘tell us anything’ but in practice the topics any of us are really prepared to listen to is small - and lovers unconsciously mutually know it. Tell me who you really are - just leave out most of the details…”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Léon Moh-Cah

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Graeme Probert

[theschooloflifetv]

If you could be truly honest, what one thing would you want to tell your partner? Let us know in the comments

[mojojojo]

my girlfriend just dumped me because i was honest about my anxiety lol. the timing of this upload is hilarious.

[Leo-mrqz]

I've been married for 15 years. My husband and I have 3 children together. After the baby and toddler years, it gave us insight on how little ones' emotions can be as vulnerable as our own. It taught us to be more open towards one another, so we can work better as a team to tackle the rollercoaster of emotions our 3 daughters go through daily. 😢😮😐🙃

[rosettesionne]

I hear this words alot like "Just be yourself", "Open up more" "trust us" etc but when I do that I am rejected and critisized so the message these people kept telling me was "Be yourself as long as it favors me" I learned that in every relationship people say and do things hurtful or disturbing unintentionally I learned to accept that as long as it is not abusive like insults, descructive critisism, threats etc However I want the freedom to be myself and show my ugly sides without fear. There are days where I am angry without reason or stressed and I want people to understand that and stop telling me to do what they want but I learned in a very hurtful ways that I can't be myself around others so it is easier for me to just shut my mouth and be alone. People give me anxiety

[GatorDave]

Fear of abandonment is so incredibly crushing and overwhelming, especially if you have experienced it before as a child. But when we lie to keep what we love inevitably end up losing it.

When you don’t live authentically you are hyper vigilant, living in a state of fight or flight, you feel unsafe and your perception of life becomes skewed, out of whack and out of balance. I know because I’ve been there.

If we live with Integrity then at least we cannot talk of regret, we will have done the best that we could in those moments.

[miut]

POV: Being told that you’re hated and blamed for things every other day or week seems to be toxicity hidden behind “honesty”. As adults, should we not expect another grown adult to be RESPECTFULLY honest?

Honesty seems to be a balancing act, to what extent is honest. What information that will inflict damage on the relationship and the other person. All traits have double edged sword, no?

I will follow Socrates’ three filters to determine honesty : 1. Is it absolute true/factual 2. Is it goodness/beneficial 3. Is it necessity to vocalize

[btw_this_is_me]

Not only in Lovelife there should be honesty in every type of relationship which makes us feel secure and mentally stable loyalty is the key to the well functioning of any relationship .

[ameedsheikh]

I'm sometimes deeply disappointed by my partner but at other times which is actually MOST of the times, we are good together. I guess we are complex humans and we should learn to silence the oscillating feelings in our heart! Even our lover misunderstands us and that's okay!

[chicken_vegetas]

I'm so totally going to tell people around me that their flaws are driving me to despair

[DaLeeza]

I remember learning that when a child says they hate you, you’re doing a good job cause you’re setting healthy boundaries with them.

[erikaanterie]

The most violently honest I have ever been with my mother as a child was calling her "mean!" out loud while crying in despair. And she took it personally. My parents never hit me, but they managed to completely crush me.

[salonikullar]

I think it takes time for 2 people to trust one another completely despite being in love. So what I took from this video is letting each other know that there are aspects of them and their thoughts that they are hiding and will eventually reveal when they think they are ready and know that the partner will understand ....and the other partner reassuring that while some of the things revealed to them may not sit well with them, they still choose to love their partner and be their for them. We can disagree on things or not accept things and still be respectful to one another....

[RobG]

Love is the essence of all existence, it is what gives everything it's meaning and value. And love is the highest value, and it is rooted in truth and trust. Without a foundation of truth and trust love will crumble and fall apart.

[gem]

I agree except for the "disloyalty" part.

Also all abusers cover their abuse with "I'm just being honest" excuse. So trade carefully with this thin line of balance between constructive honesty & destructive one!

[lunae]

I just cannot be in a relationship… can’t stand the farce 😂 but admire who can find an authentic relationship - maybe rare - but they exist ❤

[sbenkimmie]

be honest to yourself through extensive self-reflection and thinking but don't be too honest to the other person because unless you are shakespeare or even if you are, the other person will probably misunderstand you.

[Anarcath]

I've taught this to my children. We can say anything to each other without taking it personally. I know we love each other. Love IS complicated. As it should be.

[Dullitwins]

Total honesty needs to be wrapped in the finest words you can craft otherwise the other side is gone
Yeah I know that all to well 😅

[lao]

Based on my experience in a10 year relationship - our love one sometimes need to lie because they are afraid of losing you. What the video is saying is making sense. I have to be aware also of how I react so he can be free to express himself without hesitation.

[manishasingh]

I have a partner to whom I always reveal my insecurities and feelings and he may react to them but doesn’t take to his ego and leaves . I think that kinda relationship is a blessing, in return if sometimes have to manage the stress and anxiety from his side than I think that’s something I can give in return to his loyalty, we always search for stability in the relationship but we forget stability doesn’t come from the kind of job, status your partner has but how much he values you and how scared he is to let you go.