The Price of Losing (or Keeping) Hurtful People in Your Life

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It’s natural to want a loving connection with your own parents. When one or both of them have either abused or neglected you, and they continue to undermine and criticize you, it can be hard to know what to do when the parent who hurt you KEEPS hurting you. Even if you love them – even if you wish you could have a good relationship -- keeping them in your life can make it a LOT harder to heal. And after you go no-contact, and you still feel pain about not seeing them. In this video I respond to a letter from a man whose mother is pushing to reconnect, and he must decide whether to open the door to her.

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I am not a therapist or physician. My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in-person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client physician or quasi-physician relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go to the nearest emergency room immediately.

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[roastdchestnuts]

Hi Anna
I just listened to another video of yours talking about a 60ish woman who feel abandoned by her younger friends from work.

I can relate a bit to that video and a lot advice applies to me.

Just feel like a miracle to have u uploaded another video this morning.

[Wandering]

Many don't want to understand that many bad parents do not feel remorse, do not regret what they have done, and won't change for the better because they do not think it's wrong to reject you while they still spoil your brother or sister.

[sharonb]

I had not spoken to my mother in over 4 years when she passed. I still haven’t shed a tear. 🥺

[LoveDancingLoveSinging]

I cut ties with my father but still feeling guilty even though I realise the manipulation and hurtful games would continue forever!

[msdemeanour]

I broke contact after 8 years & instantly regretted it. They're still the same nasty, bitter, toxic, soul destroying abusers. I'm nearly 50 now & I give up.

[akferren]

I went no contact with my sister and my in laws 10 years ago and the only thing I regret is not doing it sooner

[HappyCat]

I went no-contact with my father 24hrs ago and I haven’t looked back. Sounds like this mom is manipulative and emotionally immature. Sometimes no contact is the best way to go if there is harmful behaviour from the parent. “But they’re your mom, dad whatever” isn’t a good enough reason to stay. You’re a son, and that deserves respect as well. If you have peace without her, then that’s your sign.

[julybutterfly]

It doesn't matter if the mom is ready, it matters if Alex is ready. Clearly questioning if they are or not signifies not being ready. Imo, Alex needs to keep away for now, keep healing, get stronger, get that mom armour you will need! Maybe determine a date to revisit this possibility in the future, like 6 months or a year from now. This would be so you could set the mamma drama aside, knowing you didn't reject the idea to return to the relationship. This honours the request made through step dad, aswell as yourself and your needs. This is what loving from a distance is. For now.

[thatswhatisaidCA]

I disconnected from my parents emotionally when I was quite young, due to some abuse I witnessed in front of me at 4 (and beyond). I became that "angry teenager" very early on, and now at 60, I'm still reacting inside with annoyance and resentment but am mature enough to let it go and behave like an adult. It's been a journey! Thanks for this video!

[moirosalina]

The fact that the mother ignored his presence and talked via other people right next to him is just outright abusive. It's one of the things that makes me contemplate how healthy this closeness was that they had earlier.. To me this sounds like an enmeshing mom rather than a loving mom.

I respect you for reflecting on yourself. I hope you'll get the clearity you need to hold your boundaries in the highest regard, and I suspect that might be a journey 🍀

[Noemi-um]

Do _not_ go to therapy with her. I don't know why Anna isn't clearer about this. She's trying to rope you in in an immature, guilt-tripping way that can only hurt you. You didn't do things wrong, and you didn't overreact. You did the right thing. Trust your gut. It's very hard, but you do know deep down what's right. Don't second-guess that at your own expense.

[pdelaprimm]

One can go “No Contact” entirely and engage only when one feels it’s necessary, or one can set and adhere to FIRM boundaries, and set the tone.

After some “healing” on my part, my mother was so toxic to deal with I’d neither answer nor return calls until ready. If at all.

And, if a person does a little work on him or her self, maybe works to raise the level of consciousness — one quickly gets the sense it’s pretty bumpy out there what with all the dysfunction, crazy behavioral dynamics, social media everywhere, the unconsciousness —

It’s a circus out there.

[JamesBond-xxlv]

I feel the same way. Every time I get around them I feel like I can't be myself (even if I'm dressed appropriately). They've said so many different things and over the past 27 years I just feel like if they don't understand and accept me by now, they're never going to. It's EXTREMELY difficult to be around them, it's painful, and I feel like I lose a lot of personal growth every time I am/about to interact with them. And as hard as it is, I've started to come to the conclusion that yeah, were related, but we're not really family and I need people in my life that I feel like can actually provide the support I need so I can actually start growing as a person.

[brooklynnchick]

My experience with my own FOO (family of origin) and going no contact was that I needed about 24 months of grieving (who I wanted them to be/who they have the potential to be) before I began feeling better. I was so deeply in the limerence.

[moocrazytn]

I'm impressed that Alex is striving for self-awareness and trying to determine if he could've made a better choice in handling this heartbreaking situation. He's not just giving his power away when he's thinking of his options.
I wonder if a good compromise for him right now is to let his mother know he does love her, but that he's not ready to spend time with her yet until they both take more time to self-assess. Perhaps she would work hard to do so if she felt they could then reconcile.

[DeniseBabbit-ggkv]

I went no contact with my two older brothers and my mother 5 years ago. I agreed to move in with our mother 2 years after Dad died. WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE! I had absolutely no privacy - not even when I was on the toilet, as she would force the door open. I'm on medication for severe facial nerve pain, so at the end of February, while in the middle of one of these severe pain episodes, I was in my bathroom, 2100 miles away from her, and dreamt/hallucinated? that she came into my bathroom and physically attacked me. I live in an RV. The toilet has a foot plunger, Rather then a regular tank toilet.
My foot slipped under the plunger, and I ended up pulling the BOLTED TO THE FLOOR toilet off of the floor, and I broke the tibula and fibula, and now have two metal plates holding my ankle together! I also bruised my face pretty severely, on the SAME SIDE where I have that severe nerve pain Trigeminal Neuralgia. I pray to GOD I never see that woman -- That. EGG DONOR, because that's all she was, EVER! She has said since I was 3 years old, that she's hated my brothers and I, and wished we would die in a house fire. Well, she's burned down the house, because no one talks to each other anymore, and only one at a time will go see her... They can HAVE her!

[kathyingram]

~What ive done is i only text/email with my family now~That provides me with a bit of distance, and time to react, think through, and carefully word my response, re-read it again, maybe even wait a bit to send it till im sure~My reactions, are done in private, and i dont have to have the pressure to answer, react or respond to anything if i dont want to~So far its worked~Id be in such grief if i cut them off~

[JustForFun-mtog]

I just clearly realized yesterday that the last time I was interacting with my brothers, I felt like I was being emotionally tortured. I told them not to contact me about 15 years ago, and haven't really regretted it, although it would be nice to have family. My one niece and I are still in contact, although Iimitedly so. She, too, is now beginning to recognize the abusiveness within the family.

[AnnWoodford]

I have gone no contact with my mom because she continually chooses to be involved with a man who abused my siblings and myself for many years and then my own daughter. I feel tremendous guilt for not listening to my intuition so many years ago. But ultimately I cut contact a few years ago to protect my younger 2 children and myself.

[WildAlchemicalSpirit]

My family dynamic is really similar, although I'm not trans but I can relate in other ways, and what I've seen in my own life with my own mom is you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. I've finally just accepted the reality of our relationship. It's crap and it's always going to be crap, whether my mom is in my life or not.