The Hidden Urge to Avoid People & How to Heal

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The ability to connect with people and form REAL relationships is often damaged in people who were neglected or abused as children; avoiding people is a common coping stategy. But what if you don't intentionally isolate -- outwardly you seem connected, but inside you feel lonely and disconnected? It may be time to ask yourself if you are a "covert avoider," avoiding life in hidden ways. I’m going to talk about how to recognize covert avoidance, and how to heal it.
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I've got lots of info and links for you below. But first, PLEASE READ:

I am not a therapist or physician. My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in-person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client physician or quasi-physician relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go to the nearest emergency room immediately.

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[danielc]

Avoidance has always been my default when I've been mistreated by others. Also, I don't put any stock into one-sided relationships anymore, which was about 95% of the people in my life.

[Furcorners]

You've just described me and my day-to-day life. I keep saying that I'm happiest alone. That's not true. I just don't want to be the recipient of someone's judgement, wrath or criticism. Exclusion is very painful and the anticipation of exclusion is just as painful.

[naturalebeing]

I've had people tell me too many times now, "people care about you, sydney. you can't just leave whenever you want and not tell anyone. people want you around." but they've said it with hurt and anger towards me. i never got it until recently, and i still kind of don't because at my core i don't believe people can really care about me. i have no self worth. so i push people away, i don't stay in one town for more than a year, and i ghost people so i never have to be hurt or rejected. in the end i just look selfish to other people, because in a way i am. i am selfish but not out of maliciousness. out of trauma. and i know it doesn't excuse it, but that just makes it worse. i feel like all i do is hurt people.

[jmfs]

I think this is the root of "Fear of Success" for me. It's not that I fear being happy or talented or financially independent. It's that the success will draw more attention, critique, and accountability.

[shepsan]

"..I thought I was just a big secret failure, I thought other people just knew how to do this life thing and there was just some mystery problem with me" - this is my whole life in one sentence

[neematm]

The problem with communication is that you end up disappointed. Few people are interested in talking to you and the ones that are you don't have much in common with them. It's hard to communicate because a lot of the times I have no idea what to say (that isn't gossip or hurting people because those seem like popular topics unfortunately)

[pavla]

Becoming overwhelmed by the needs of someone else is one of the reasons I avoid people . I've always been treated like I don't have the 'right' to set any boundaries I don't know what it is that people read in me that that tells them I can be taken advantage of - so it's easier to just keep a distance or the next thing I know I'm free babysitting neighbours kids, providing free taxi service to people and constantly driving other people's kids to sporting events because they're 'busy '. I've done all this stuff and more and things always end badly when I've had enough and they have no use for me if they can't use me . I am afraid of sitting alone in my later years .

[Danielle-hkln]

I want to start living. I’m so tired of being afraid.

[timmurphy]

How do you get close to someone without worrying you’re bothering them too much?

[neweverymorningmercy]

Covid has made it so easy to covertly avoid. I'm in Ontario and we have "restrictions" I've used them to keep my distance and I'm not even all that freaked out by the virus. I know there's more interacting I could do but I covertly use the "restrictions" as an excuse.

[toothpastehombre]

5:50 In times of crisis, I don't know how to reach out. I can't see how to initiate the text, how ask for a get together, a walk or coffee, or even just ask for help with something - I genuinely don't have the skillset. And I am a bit in awe in how people are able to even do it.
The backspace key is what I know, and hitting send on a text or email or phone call has become daunting and even foreign. I'm always weighing the cost/benefits of connection and second guessing it's worth. I barely have the bandwidth to deal with my own mental state, let alone navigating the emotional pathways of trying to connect with someone.
"How would they ever understand..?" tap tap tap "I don't want to burden anyone.." tap tap "If they don't respond or reject my moment of vulnerability in any way, I simply can't take any more pain or strife right now" *hold down till every word is erased*
The backspace key is the most worn out part of my phone

[tazzi]

As a therapist myself, I listened to the beginning of this and just cried and cried. I so thoroughly relate to your description and although I have done much healing on my own, the depth of the trauma I experienced during childhood keeps revealing itself to be deeper and much more impactful than i would like.😔 But I thank you so much for this. Time to face another level.

[missb]

How do you connect when many people are no longer connected like they used to be? And i have learned that when i have stretched out to connect, it ends up in hurt and i retreat back to isolation. I think every storm in my life ive handled alone and thats how its always been. Im not sure whats worse going through rough times alone or going through good times alone. Idk im so used to it now, im numb. I always know whats coming next.

[katielykens]

I get scared to be sad around people or break down bc its like a signal for people with bad intentions to prey on me (win me over n then use me) or make it worse then I'm crushed to find I am actually unloveable n discarded bc it was all a joke on me the whole time to get something from me... always gaslight as a child that I'm too emotional... I was "too sensitive"... Still think I probably have some autism... If I meet people when I'm in a good mood, I don't want to scare them when I get down... n if someone is nice to me when I'm down I think it's a predator stalking me. I feel like a beaten shelter dog in the corner of the cage, so afraid. I feel nomatter how much "healing" I've done, I'm never healed... self help videos I use to avoid life too.

[timmurphy]

I avoid every one. I don’t like myself. But I don’t want people to get to know me

[andreeadobre]

This is such a huge problem for me and the pandemic only made things worse and how everything is more and more online these days is getting in the way of my tiny attempts to solve this problem.

[goldlazuli]

My dad taught us, his three children, to keep people at arm's length. We are all getting old now, and I think we learned that lesson well.

[elizabethjohnson]

I keep thinking I couldn’t have CPTSD but I keep coming back to your videos… and I relate so much. It’s hard to realize that I don’t have any friends. Also… hello! Not sleeping or wanting to eat well or take care of myself. It’s like you described me. I definitely have the signs of inward avoidance you described and outward avoidance…. Always late! I’ve been asking myself why I don’t just take care of things like a normal person… this makes so much sense. Thanks. Happy new year all!!

[Darksky]

I have a friend inviting me out next week, I'm already trying to avoid it. I think I might just force myself to go.
What I also don't like about my self is that I'm so insecure about things. I always have to ask advice about some things before I decide on it, it makes me feel like a child 😕 afraid of doing things wrong. I guessing it is because I never had reassurance and approval growing up.

[roxiane]

I have a major avoidance issue but I don’t know what to do. I feel like I just can’t trust people enough even those I’ve known for years. I always have the urge to protect myself because I don’t want people to criticise me or speak to me too casually.