Why Most Men Will Have A Mid-life Crisis & What To Do About It

Talking points: middle age, mindset, death, nice guys

I've worked with legions of middle-aged men. As of 2023, I'm one of them. It got me wondering why so many of us radically change (or catastrophically implode) our lives in our 40s and 50s. Here's what I've seen, where I think it comes from, and where to begin ensuring it doesn't happen to you.

(00:00:00) - Intro and why I call it the “middle passage”
(00:02:52) - The biggest reason men go through a midlife “crisis”
(00:06:59) - Pleasing Syndrome, and how to fix it
(00:10:30) - Fear of our own depths
(00:13:34) - The collapse of the illusion that right action leads to right outcome
(00:17:40) - What do you actually do with this info?

***

My book, Men's Work:

Stay Connected

Subscribe to the podcast here:

#MensWork #adviceformen #midlifecrisis #mindset

[aalvarez]

It’s not a crisis but rather an awakening that my life and value have to matter more to me than anyone else.

[friendly]

I'm one of the older people here in this comment section. I am turning 48 this weekend. This whole past 9 months or so, this all hit me very hard. The awareness of death, the realization that I was just trying to please everyone for so many decades, the confusion of what to do next. I think I was able to ignore these thoughts most of the time earlier in life because I've always appeared younger than I actually am. I still occasionally get carded for alcohol, but until about age 45 I almost always did! Keeping fit and active since my 20s has helped for sure. But age is starting to creep up and I see it in the mirror and in pictures. I had five friends in their 40s pass away in 2023. The past three years the stress of the pandemic and taking on too many things I was being asked to do took its toll. After burning out and dropping most of the responsibilities at the beginning of 2023, I was kind of lost and purposeless. I didn't know what I wanted any more, but I did know that I couldn't sustain that life of trying to make everyone happy and always doing the right things to please people. Right now I'm trying to figure out what it is I want to do. What are the dreams that I put on hold for so long that I want to pursue now? I like your idea of writing those down and just trying them. Worst thing that could happen is that I waste a little time and money and realize it's not for me. Best thing that could happen is I fulfill a dream and enjoy myself doing it.

Thanks for a great video.

[AJ-rugl]

Filed for divorce at 48 after my wife had an affair. I would have lived an unfulfilling life married to a woman who had no respect for me out of a sense of duty had that not happened. I had not yet realized to the extent I’d neglected my own needs settling for breadcrumbs. It was the first time I chose myself in any relationship. In the past two years I’ve grown more than the last twenty, and my life is only getting better. To all the men right now in it, keep going. You’ve got this!

[BecamePneuma]

I sent this to my Dad. Horrible relationship. Going through this now. I’ve been healed though, it’s him that is still healing.

[IsaacBlencowe]

Such an important topic man. I turned 30 last year and had a mini mid-life crisis. Hit my like a ton of bricks. But also used it to force me to make really big changes in my life and face things id been ignoring my entire life. It's actually when I found your work and book from an interview you did with Nicole Lepara. So glad I did man. Thanks for all you do. You're helping so many men ✌ PS 40? Looking good man! I thought you were mid 30s for sure. Impressive. Keep it up 👌

[BiffMcCloud]

I just turned 29 and put in my separation notice at work yesterday, the only job I've known for 10 years, so I can go back to college in a field that I hope does justice to who I am. I've spent the last month with a bittersweet and somber feeling towards leaving my career and this morning that feeling turned to fear and panic. I'm still optimistic that those feelings will evolve from worrying if I made the perfect choice at the perfect time to instead taking a leap of faith embracing the unknown.
This video couldn't have come at a more perfect time as I can take some comfort knowing this is a natural process I am experiencing and am not alone

[tycerxyz]

I’m normally very in line with your videos but I’m going to say that I’m having issue with social media saying that midlife crisis is an awakening. There is a difference between midlife transition and a midlife crisis. It is a great disservice to those actually going through a crisis and their loved ones. A midlife transition does not involve self sabotaging, destroying your whole life and others around you. I could go on but please don’t discount the difference

[Cptn.K]

As I approach 39, what I’m realizing 7 minutes into this video; is that I’ve slowly but surely been fed up with seeking that validation. And also, making sure I have no regrets. So the intense discernment I have for myself and others I interact with is subconsciously on purpose.

[gab]

I'm 56 and thought I was not going to have one of these. I just realized I am going through a painful late mid-life crisis.

[giancarlosh.pizzini]

👏 great stuff man. It can be difficult to articulate the feelings most men have as we reach our 40s. Great points and topics to journal, pray and talk about.

[jasonhayes]

It’s taken me 10 months of therapy to find out exactly what you’ve outlined in this video. Incredibly inciteful, and you’ve highlighted a great place to start - getting to know yourself all over again is the beginning and much harder than it sounds! Great content 🙏

[John-zhud]

I'm 36 and I feel like I'm getting a touch of this. I've effectively topped out at work (the options to "move up" don't appeal to me), with small kids I don't get a lot of personal time and neither does my wife... every day involves work, taking care of kids and house, and trying to take care of my own health... every now and then (very large company) there's someone from work that passes away in their 40s or 50s... one of my fears is that will be me in 20 years doing the same thing I'm doing now.

[robothorse]

Connor, what a positive video on the midlife crisis. A man craves depth and value, that's my problem. 41, did and said all the right things. When you're staring down the barrel of a disappointing life it's time to step out from in front of it. It's time for ME to do the aiming.

[CptCoitus]

Another life event is losing your parents and realizing you are next in line.

[SC-bsjd]

I dealt with these three issues in my late 20s through 30s. Sounds like many men don't face some of the dark realities of life.

[knivesandgear]

Man, this really helped me, thank you.

[blackconzervativeamerikana]

Ok...I have to listen to this about 5 more times...😢..I have been a people pleaser my whole life..

[artofallowance]

Really valuable video. Great points. Depth resonated the most for me. The need to have more depth in my life, activities, relationships, spirituality, and my pursuits.

[rogsolaris]

“Man has two lives, and the second begins when he realizes he has only one.”
I think in the 40’s you’re just maturing and gaining wisdom. The actual crisis part will accelerate when you hit 50. So, get ready for that. At that point you are truly seen as “old.” And if you are not securely partnered by 50, well buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. You become an invisible nobody.

[arthurm]

I find very convincing your hypothesis ot the influence of the menstruation allowing the women to experience every month a little "life and death cycle", and that relatively narrow time window where they can give birth to another life.

Even though in general men seem fear less death and consequently tend to have more risky behaviors (probably because of higher testosterone and adrenaline levels, by the way, decreasing over time), the full conscious realization of the inevitable and approaching end of our own existence may be delayed and find to be harsh.

I'm wondering if being less religious can play a role too. I suppose the people who believe in afterlife may be less scared by the idea of the imminence of their death. Should men reconsider their belief system, especially in western and modern world, where the religion is quickly losing its importance?