Ask a Therapist: Internalized Homophobia and How It Shows Up

Do you know that even members of the LGBTQIA+ community can be homophobic? When you live in a society that passes along negative messages about your identity, there are some that are going to become ingrained in your subconscious. And sometimes we don't even know they are there until well after we have come to terms with who we are.

Internalized Homophobia can show up in so many different ways, but it is pretty much always founded on a few specific assumptions. This week's ask a therapist video will address the assumptions that internalized homophobia is grounded in, and the protective reasons why we can subconsciously cling to its messages.
#internalizedhomophobia #askatherapist #lgbt

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Kelly is a LMHC (Licensed Mental Health Counselor) in the USA making YouTube videos to inform, entertain, and empower viewers. Watching these videos does not constitute a therapeutic relationship or therapy. Should you wish to find a therapist, or more information, check out the links below!

Helpful Links:
💙 Instagram: @AnchoredCounselingFL
💜 Instagram: @KellyRMinter

[Etherealvioletco]

I’ve been so shocked to see homophobia within the LGBTQ+ community. I recently let go of a friend who is a gay man bc he is lesbophobic!!

[chuchu]

I love this, thank you. Came here from google about shame and trying to understand what I was feeling. Please continue making videos!

[honestlythetruth]

Having been raised in the Christian church and being taught that same-sex marriage was against God led to a lot of internalized homophobia in my life so much so that I twice went through very strong gender crisis because I was thinking that I must be a trans man because I'm attracted to women and it took me almost 6 months in a second gender crisis to recognize that this is only a problem when I'm dating a woman and that I am struggling with internalized homophobia . it's okay to be a woman attracted to women and it took me a long time to realize that what I was actually struggling with wasn't my gender but actually internalized homophobia that my sexuality is valid.

[sds]

My ex definitely has a lot of internalized homophobia. On top of this, she is undiagnosed high functioning Autistic so she’s scared of change. Her internalized homophobia came from her parents, who are super religious Christians. Meanwhile, we’re both 33, financially independent & she STILL needs her family’s approval. She refuses to go to therapy & when she’d promise to go, she’d never follow through. She kept me a secret for the most part, and always explained that she feels a great deal of shame that she would often project on to me. She recently said that she resented me to the point of hatred so that’s why she would sometimes avoid getting together with me. I explained to her that I don’t deserve to be punished bc she’s insecure & it’s her responsibility as an adult to get the help she needs.

On top of that, she has a boyfriend who she met 4 years before I came along. Their relationship was toxic long before she met me. She now uses him as a cover up so she can hide in plain sight from her family. She feels obligated to be with him bc she feels that “he needs her”. He’s estranged from his family of origin so he relies on her to provide him with the family life he never had. I explained to her that it’s not her job to socialize him, he’ll meet another girl, one who is actually straight. Logically she knows this, but she is very stubborn. Therefore if he wasn’t working, he’d be included in various family events & she would have no empathy towards my feelings on that. When I’d end things with her, she’d love bomb me, promise to get therapy & break up with him. Then of course, she’d never follow through. She is very self aware of her behavior & still refused to do anything about it.

[ronnochopper]

This video speaks to me quite deeply. It was a lot of isolation and damaged relationships before I finally realized what was up and went and got a queer friendly therapist to help me see through the absolute mountain of shame that had been slowly suffocating me. I had been literally shoving myself into the category of straight but kinky until very recently. Just a cis het guy that happened to like queer animated shows a little more than my cis het guy peers. I still struggle a little bit to see my identity as valid, but I'm getting there, and the change in my life and confidence has been monumental now that a future that I actually want feels attainable. I've still got a lot to sort through to figure out who I am, but deciding that "normal" ain't it has opened a lot of doors. I've still got walls, and I will probably always need them for my own survival, but they've got a gate for my close friends to access now.

[Claudia]

Grateful that I have grown up with gay parents and genuinely don't think I have much (or any?) internalised homophobia. Not saying I am perfect by any means, but gay was never a 'thing'. I don't even remember learning the word, because it was always normal for me growing up. As generations grow up with more LGBT+ acceptance I hope more people will feel this same way!

Having said that, I do relate to the last point about not always wanting to disclose my asexuality. I am not sure whether that comes more from 'I cannot be bothered to explain it' (especially when I explain it I feel the need to disclose my sex life, but don't really want to) than worrying about acceptance, although it's probably a combination of both. Defo some food for thought

[M_k]

Hello, thank You for Your video – it hit me so hard. There is so much to work on.
(I’m sorry for my English – it is not my native language)
I’m lesbian, 20 years old. I grew up in a conservative christian family. My father is very homophobic. Approximately since I was about 11 years old he was threatening me that he would kick me out of home, disown me and that he would hate me to the end of his life, if I would turn out to be gay. I suffered of depression and I still have to deal with social anxiety. My sister suggested, that my well-being would improve if I would socialize with other LGBTQIA+ people, but every time I try to I feel incredibly depressed, frustrated and ashamed – I feel that I don’t deserve to be happy. I wish to embrace myself, being myself, but I don’t know how to let my guard down.

[notmariavlogs]

this was so good that i had to watch it twice!

[Ellie-qqzm]

I think the best thing any family can do (and what truly makes them an ally) is not to assume that all their kids are straight unless proven otherwise. It’s a more toxic perspective than straight people realize. It puts so much pressure for children who are not straight to come out to their family when I feel like they shouldn’t need to. Straight people don’t and why can’t we let kids grow up to be whoever they are and not have expectations that they feel pressured to meet. Parents should use language that makes it clear that all of their children know it is ok for them to love whoever they choose, man woman, nonbinary etc. Growing up not seeing representation in books, movies, tv (and very little in kids content unfortunately) and never having the option presented to you to be anything other than straight has so much opportunity to create internal shame regardless of whether the parents are “progressive” or not. My parents had a few gay friends sure, and they weren’t outwardly homophobic fortunately but they didn’t make me feel comfortable “coming out” so I didn’t. It made me feel increasingly uncomfortable when my orientation was either never represented as a child or viewed as “other” and rooted in stereotype and the last thing I wanted to do as a kid was stand out or be seen as different. Straight is not the default, it is on a spectrum of sexuality and I’m tired of straight people viewing it as such.

[fernandamena]

Thank you so much for making this kind of videos ❤️

[skiwithdenny]

I lost my marriage because I could not accept myself as a bisexual male and I was so ashamed of myself that I lied to my ex (who I still care about deeply) and I ended sabotaging our relationship because I did not want to tell her I had been with men in the past and this still pains me.

[CharleyHays]

I was just watching one of your older videos on this same topic. It does make me wonder where the line is between shame and trauma. I would imagine it would have some overlap like a FENN chart does. I struggle with both and have not been successful getting there… yet

[jerijah]

you are wonderful, thank you for sharing this.

[jomortonbrown]

Thank you so much for creating videos like this and educating me xx

[briannamay]

I'm a transgender woman whos attracted to men and I definitly have internalized homophobia because I grew up in a pretty conservative and religious family and I constantly heard anti lgbt slurs and how wrong it was etc.

I'm working on myself but I still feel ashamed

[beitheleaf]

Can you plz provide a video that provides answers to common homophobic remarks and arguments? It would very much help those of us who get asked these things and aren’t even sure how to respond to it, whether one is part of queer community or an ally who wants to advocate for our friends and neighbors. I would very much appreciate the help

[AlstonsWorldEnt]

You touched on this but just to expand on it; ininternalized homophbia shows up in exceptionalism. This shows up in perpetuating negative stereotypes and myths about that sexual identity. Most times, these people are already out but push a narrative of "I'm not like them" the tokenized gay who perform respectability in an effort to distance themselves from the community as well as to placate comfort to their social surroundings

[yohanhusei]

I'm sorry but there is something really bugging me for hours now. I had a lengthy and kinda heated discussion on twitter with some people who accused people like me who like masculine men/gay men/trans man of having Internalized Homophobia.

All my life I never discriminated, hated or hurt anybody just because they are feminine. I support women's and lgbtqia+'s right through and through. I am a firm believer that anybody should be whoever they want to be and with anyone who they want to be with.

But why are these people accusing me of having Internalized Homophobia / Femme Phobia just because I want a masculine man as a romantic/sexual partner? I love masc men without any hate or prejudice towards others. I just don't get it. Am I wrong? Do I really have IH?

[stuff]

Is it possible to hire you as my therapist?

[pameladeleone]

It's sad when a person can't show the love they have for another because of what others think (society). If religion is all about love, (that's what I am told) then what is wrong with whoever you love? Oh yeah, I forgot, marriage is between a man and a woman. All the rest should be in the closet. Love you and your videos 🥰