How to Overcome Internalized Homophobia

How do you go about life when you think you might be queer, but you don't want to be? There might be different reasons for this, but chances are you are experiencing internalized homophobia.
While we can't help you to stop being gay - and you shouldn't ;) - we can share some words of advice of what helped us and how we ultimately became confident and proud in who we are and who we want.

Please share your words of advice and encouragement around internalized homphobia as well - have you dealt with it and how did you overcome it? Or what is preventing you from overcoming it?

We hope this video is helpful, be gentle and patient with yourself.

Lots of Love,

A + L

[AlexisLilian]

We hope this video will help some of you out there that may be struggling with these feelings. For those of you who have experienced internalized homophobia in the past, how did you overcome it? We'd love to hear your own advice and experiences as well 💛

[geegnosis]

I'm 69. I came out as a lesbian at 17 when it was really a difficult time for LGBT+ people. I was never ashamed of being a lesbian - I knew it was right for me since I was 14. BUT I did not feel I could express myself publicly. Coming Out was a real battle every day, every time. Despite all my political activism, I still find it difficult to express PDAs or be very openly lesbian out in the world when I am alone. Now, I don't feel that this is homonegativity. I think it's how the processes of oppression work on people's self-esteem just as it does with racism and sexism. It is much better now - but then again, that depends on where you live and your family's attitude.

[jennifers]

Good advice all around! I would say finding gay friends was the thing that helped me most. Just having normal conversations and not having to change the words I used or censor myself was so freeing. Plus, Listening to and seeing real people live happy, gay lives made a huge impact on me. It made it seem like, I can be like that too.

[kev]

Growing up hispanic and in an extremely christian household and family in general it was very hard for me to accept myself and as other comment said if i had seen this earlier in my life it wouldve extremely helped me so thank you for the content, i didnt want to be queer for such a long time bc i really thought it was so wrong until i decided to be happy, i still believe in god(dont feel comfortable at church tho), but i believe that he loves me/us just how we are and not the version that religious ppl give us.

[FaiaHalo]

I grew up Christian, with a lot of taught guilt and self hate for who I was. Now I'm a fully deconverted gay atheist, and although I might not need this video now, I'm SURE that if had seen this video back then, it would've saved my life. Positive queer role models, specially women and afab people in relationships, healthy loving relationships like yours, definitely saved my life and made me hopeful. Thank you! Edit: much love from Latin America!

[randallyons]

I love you guys, as a parent of a gay son I have seen his progress and am so proud of his pride in being himself. This is great to watch

[studioghibliprofilepic]

I've been struggling with internalized homophobia for months, this video is very helpful, thank you so much for this content <3

[sarahwalters]

This is just what I needed! Thank you and hope you all are having a great weekend! xoxo

[edalder]

Me? At age 9, I was an affectionate child. My parents told me point blank that boys never hugged other boys or kissed them. It was bad and don't do it. I did that to my step dad because I loved him. My sisters got hugs and I never did.

So to realize that I was queer in the 80's? Ouch.

I have moments of internalized homophobia and shame even now. Family history of anxiety and Depression mixed with PTSD. Diagnoses explain a lot, but are not the whole me.

I am a music nerd and I grew up as a Judas Priest fan. So when lead singer Rob Halford came out on MTV 25 years ago? Biggest act of validation ever for me. As a gay guy and a metal head? Hell yeah.

[karierina]

Internalised homophobia is one of the main reasons why I came out soo late, I was 18. It was a long journey to get rid of those toxic patterns that are taught to us (especially by Church, I grew up Catholic).

[LilacLights]

I grew up Christian, though my mom was always pretty liberal and ended up accepting me when I came out. It wasn’t until my best friend came out to me as bi in college that I started to acknowledge my own feelings for women. I thought I was bi for five years until I stumbled onto Alayna Joy’s coming out video. It sent me into an identity crisis in which I eventually realized I am a lesbian. That was a year ago, so I’m finally happy knowing who I truly am.

[liz_letart_louveen]

Such a comforting video and it's soo good to finally see you as wives!💘 Btw, I'd really recommend watching "Heartstopper", it's a wonderful thoughtful show with not only queer guys, but also with lesbian couple and trans character as well. Thank you for all the hard work around lgbtq+ topics, it really means a lot!! Lots of love from Russia🏳️‍🌈

[cecileturner]

thank you for this content. i am a pansexual woman, i had to come out to myself first. then i had to find a safe space and person/people to share with. this has been such a long process for me almost 25 years and i'm still looking for my safe space and safe people. however i would NEVER have come out to myself without a therapist. my local lgbtq center helped me find a lgbtq therapist.

[Etherealvioletco]

You guys should start a podcast!!😍 I could listen to you two talk all day

[shamon]

Hey Alexis and Lilian, speaking of consume queer positive media, I would like to highly recommend y’all to watch Warrior Nun, a really amazing sapphic show released the second season on Netflix few days ago. The place they filmed was in Europe, every frame of sight was stunning, of course they speak multiple languages, and it involved lots of elements, the conflict of science and religion, the quantum mechanics, multi-dimension, the costumes of characters also cool, MORE IMPORTANTLY, the storyline of two characters(of course I mean the sapphic ones) is a beautiful slowburn, which is exactly I recall Lilian is very obsessed with! Hope y’all will enjoy it. 😌

[gillianslattery]

Always an inspiration Alexa and Lilian, even if you/ me never knew which category you fit into. Be kind and open minded! Love is love 🥰 ✌️💕

[amandathorp]

I needed to hear this video today. You two are my chosen You Tube family. Much love from Minnesota!

[starsgirly]

Aw, this was a great video idea! I have a supportive family, but sometimes the societal pressures get to me.

YES to the new Tegan & Sara show "Highschool"!! I've only watched a few episodes, but it's really good so far. I did read their book, so I know what's coming and I can't wait. If you wanted to review it Alexis, I'd totally watch! And yes Lillian, a Phoebe Bridgers video is an awesome idea too :D

[dorarebelo]

Dear Alexis and Lilian! Absolutely true! Well done. Good job. As for the "role models" sometimes one empathizes with another so deeply that you absolutely love her. It is this deep connection that makes her so attractive. However, I would say that in this case, the attraction is beyond gender. You can be attracted to a person simply because you understand her (or him) very well. But when we allow the mind to define us as being this or that -- gay/lesbian or straight person -- unconsciously, the mind will filter who we get attracted to and reject those it finds unacceptable. That is why I personally don't like any of these labels. I think that labels limit us and define us in such a way... because all of a sudden, we need to fit into a certain group of people or social category. And we become a victim of their acceptance just as much as we are victims of the acceptance of family, friends, and society as a whole -- if we only allow ourselves to be. I remember one day Lilian said that she was afraid of saying that she was bisexual in the lesbian community because of reactions like, "no man is allowed here." Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance... The question is, do we really need other people's acceptance when our relationships overall are so superficial ... even with family, even with friends, co-workers and so forth? No, we don't! YOU HAVE EACH OTHER, my dear friends! YOU ARE RIGHT STARTING WITH THAT AND BECAUSE OF THAT! You are examples of good people, YES, BECAUSE OF THAT! You are no fakes, no hypocrites. Of course, you have other qualities, but I think you get the idea. We hear these phony creatures on the radio, for instance, using "the name of Jesus" to justify the lawlessness that "they think" has been serving them. Idiots hide behind their own crimes and use women as scapegoats. Have a beautiful Sunday. 💕💕💌💌

[oOOoOphidian]

this video is such a healthy reminder of how to handle everything coming at us