5 Tools For Building A Healthy Relationship With Yourself

This video is loosely part of the attachment style series (where we talk about anxious attachment, dismissive-avoidant attachment, fearful-avoidant attachment and secure attachment) but it's really more of a building block than anything else.

Until we understand what a self-relationship is and how we can work towards building one, it's challenging to do any real, deep attachment healing. This video is very much a non-exhaustive list - and I'm sure it's one I'll follow up with many more videos of the sort.

But if you - like me - have often struggled to understand WTF people are saying when they talk about 'self love,' this video's for you.

LOVE YOU ALL (and hope you love yourselves too).

[Tinkerbella]

“It is not your fault you’re in pain but it is your responsibility to fix it. And it sucks. And I’m sorry.”

[StillWaterLife]

Heidi, I just discovered you a couple weeks ago. Of all the experts on Attachment Theory I've seen on YouTube, you are the best at breaking this down in such detail, and most importantly, at providing actionable solutions. I'm realizing the extent to which I abandon myself on a daily basis, or don't truly stand for the person I want to become. This video is fantastic. Thank you!

[lokeshwaris]

Summary -
1. Self trust
2. Boundaries with yourself nd others
3. Learn to identify unfulfilled needs
4. Learn to divorce fault from responsibility
5. Open direct line of communication with yourself
Thank you

[Touay.]

I'm now 50 and dealing with cptsd. the whole 'love yourself' and 'heal yourself' thing is so hard. one video said I should look at my child self and comfort them and say you love them .... but I feel nothing but disgust.

note to self .... don't post comments on youtube videos when you are in the middle of a flashback - and thank you Heidi for helping understand what these feelings are!.

[stronkloli]

1. trust yourself: pick a small thing and do it for a set amount of time just to set you in motion. (work on a coding problem for 5min everyday
2. learn your boundaries with urself and others: fearful avoidant. (physical feeling when boundary is crossed: seething, burning, disgusted rage. i hate them and want them to just vanish from my sight) behavioral, thought, emotional boundary
3. identify your unmet needs: under every crossed boundary is an unfulfilled need (avoiding conflict for instant peace. need for approval > need for self respect)
4. divorce fault from responsibility (even though its not ur fault, it is ur responsibility to heal the shameful, self hating narrative you've come to adapt)
5. direct line of communication with yourself: guide yourself, give feedback to yourself

[phillipoverpeck]

Your videos are helping me realize I’m not crazy…after 30 years, I’m finally learning how I’ve been expecting the people around me to uphold my boundaries…while continuously breaking them myself…

[marcisalac]

Dearest Heidi, you are a truly godsend. The inner child of the 44yo man started to weep with real tears. Thank you for your help, compassion and the path of your life you decided to follow. You give me the hope to be a whole person again. Love you ❤❤❤.

[loquaciousjd]

For me showing up for myself is self care like showering, skin care, using essential oils, keeping my car and apartment organized, eating nutritious foods, strength training, taking my psych meds, and getting a good night’s sleep. I still have a long way to go, but I’ve also come a long way in the last year to grow and become more self aware. Your channel has helped a lot with that. Thanks!

[curious_gage]

Something I have noticed is this process takes a while but overtime I started to notice a separation between my emotions and my thoughts. The key is to recognize that your thoughts and feelings actually operate independently, not in unison. It’s hard to explain but I like to compare this objective awareness as the “higher self”.

[sandralujan]

Girl omg omg. The compassion, self acknowledgment, the self awareness. I would cry if I wasnt at work right now. I just messed up a possible partner situation with my issues and traumas. Now finding out this is the personality type I have plus ADHD… its like woah… i never had a chance. But now I can do something about it.

[qwbksgd]

" you never have to beg someone to follow your boundaries...." Heidi the way you explain is pure genius. Thank you!

[justanothergaycowboy]

I've been struggling a lot with coming to terms with the fact that if I don't heal my cptsd I can't live the healthy life I want for myself. I've watched a lot of your videos over the last week and cried a ton because looking at myself in this way is so painful. When you said not to be a f*ckboy to yourself I genuinely laughed for the first time in months. You are making this journey so much easier for me. Thank you for making these videos and making me laugh asking the way.

[MarieAK]

When you stopped and acknowledged that even though it’s not our fault but it’s our responsibility it sucks! Anyone with attachment issues did not ask for it and even though we are being educated it is so very important to get that acknowledgment that it’s not ideal. Healing a wound that wasn’t your choice to have is hard! It’s challenging in ways you didn’t think were possible. Thank you for taking the moment to stop and empathize❤️ we will all get better one step at a time!

[aliciavanveen]

I feel like a bomb dropped. 😮
"It’s not my fault, but it is my responsibility."

That just shifted my perspective on so many things.
For me, it seems like the answer to a lot of questions as to why I can not change certain unhealthy behaviors. It might even be the way out of co-dependancy.

I often feel bad for not doing things that should be done, like keeping the house tidy or taking care of myself.
Knowing, that even though it is not my fault that dust falls on furniture or dishes get dirty, but it is still my responsibility to get things clean again is so freeing to me. It seems like in the back of my head I always had the excuse that it is not my fault, therefor I should not have to fix it. But that is not how the world works. I always felt like it was somehow unfair and wrong, that I had to take responsibility, so I really struggled doing it and was ashamed at the same time, for not wanting to take responsibility. Now I realize, I don’t need to shame myself for it. But I do need to realize that it is not unfair or wrong to have responsibility but that it is self-love, loving others and the foundation of freedom.

I am really happy to get practical steps that are doable, instead of only learning more and more about what went wrong in my life. It is very helpful to know and an important first step but it is not enough to change. Learning comes by doing. 😊

Thank you so much for this video. You do tremendous work Heidi! ❤

[PaigeSquared]

"what do you actually DO?"
It's what our parents didn't model to us. It took me years to figure out what the hell everyone was talking about!! It's how we show up in the world, in our daily lives, how we prioritize, and the actions we take.

It's difficult if you've never seen it, in your family of origin, it just isn't modeled, and so we have no idea how to start.

I struggle between determining when comfort is what I need (I used to be very hard on myself) or when I need more discipline and to just do the thing. I don't have much time alone, that makes it really tough.

Great video, thank you!!

[arielariel]

You make me look at myself with compassion. I am in pain for all the times I’ve abandoned me.

[amirakhalida]

The "if it's my responsibility then it's my fault" speaks so much to me. In my attempts to not be a victim and take things in hand I became so hard on myself because I always thought that Everything wrong in my life was my fault .. since am taking responsibility ... realizing that there is INDEED a difference is sooo relieving ❤🙏🏻

[NoticeMeSenpaiii]

Your level of self awareness is really admirable. Do you think you can do a video about how you got to this point? I feel like most people (including myself) run on autopilot without being fully aware of what we are doing or why. I don't know how to go about starting to develop accurate self awareness.

[doug]

I'm glad you mentioned the book "Atomic Habits" by James Clear. I am on my 2nd reading of it, this time with a highlighter in hand. I highly recommend this book.

[Taurian_]

I needed this 30 years ago. The world is a better place because of your work. Thank you!