Polyamory isn’t better than monogamy

[KatBlaque]

Casual reminder that I'm a straight and do not date women and thus cannot speak to the experiences of people who date women. I'm talking about what I've seen and what I've seen is going to be informed by the fact that most of the people I know and most of the spaces I'm in are not explicitly queer.

[HanaTheRussell]

THANK YOU for saying this holy shit. I am so tired of the people saying that polyamory is a more progressive or forward thinking way of life. As opposed to what it actually is, which is like a sexual orientation-adjacent component of one’s romantic/sex life.

I am monogamous and I tried to date a polyamorous guy who already had a girlfriend. And it broke my heart every day and I decided it wasn’t for me. And instead of accepting that I realized the lifestyle isn’t for me (he knew I was monogamous and unsure of how things would go) he berated me for not caring about him enough and “throwing the relationship away”.

And then have been confronted with people later saying how progressive polyamory is and if society were more open minded and if people were more secure in themselves then everyone would be polyamorous.

Like no! It’s not better. It’s just a preference and both are valid. I know that polyamory was villainized for a long time but the pendulum has swung too far in the opposite direction now.

[ShadowYaz]

As someone who is poly, I 100% agree with this. Monogamy is not for everyone but neither is polyamory. If you’re uncomfortable in one of those, like Kat said, you shouldn’t feel pressured to change. 😊

[moonclawdragon]

If a guy says he wants a Pollyrelationship, but he doesn't want another man to be in it, he just wants a harem

[dessy]

You provide some of the most nuanced and realistic commentary on polyamory and I really appreciate that

[theneslink]

Thank you for this!! Lots of couples (especially gay/mlm relationships) I've seen tend to "try" polyamory and it doesn't work out because of either communication, expectations not matching what you expect, or just plain pressure. Don't forget that there's two sides to a relationship and both have to agree on something like being open for it to work out (even if you decide to not be poly in the end). Me and my partner tried it at the beginning because we weren't living together, but we've decided it doesn't work that way because neither of us feel fulfilled with anything but eachother.

[eightmagpies]

It usually ends in heartbreak... and then after that, happiness, because both people end up in a relationship they actually like with a person who is better suited to them.

Over and over we see these relationships end in the couple splitting up, but I think most of those relationships were on their way to ending anyway, and the failed attempt at poly was part of the death throws but not the cause. Don't try monogamy just for a husband, but also be willing to let go of a relationship that isn't working.

[rookie]

I have a polyamorous friend (Acquaintance) who always makes comments like, “if heteronormative people would just relax and let go of their egos, it would be so much better for everyone!” And it’s so strange to me. Like great, it works for you! But so arrogant to believe it’s just the way things should be and anyone that isn’t are just jealous, close-minded people… Ty for saying this. You’d think it would be the obvious way to think, but it really isn’t!

[samantharedacted]

I tried to convince myself I could be poly because several men ruined my mental health then dropped me like hot shit when I started talking back. I believed that by being poly, I'd always have someone to fall back on if this happened to me again.

Once I met an amazing man who was monogamous, I refused to let him pursue me romantically. Once he made me feel safe, I agreed to be monogamous with him and I realized I am truly monogamous, and that's okay.

[Kris-kqyi]

I just want to thank you so much for posting this. My ex asked for an open relationship 4 years into our marriage and kept asking me every 6 months after I told him I was uncomfortable with it until we divorced. I did research to be fair to him and from that discovered that I am definitely monogamous. No disrespect to polyam, I just don’t have the bandwidth for it.
Even though I stood my ground and did not try polyamory for my ex’s sake, the mere fact that he kept asking after I said no was incredibly hurtful and I’m still healing from it. If I had relented I’d likely be working through even more trauma. Seeing videos like this from polyam folx is very validating. So thank you again for sharing it 🙏

[chisatokn]

I’m a Japanese woman married to a German guy, and he always wanted to have an opentelashionship which I understood in some life stage. Still, he ended up having a polyamory relationship, and I suffered a lot; since Japan is quite conservative, I was struggling to share my stories or feeling with my friends and everyone. We divorced because he had multiple women without communicating with me and claimed polyamory etc. My divorce was plane crushed type of ending, and thank you for sharing this video. I was really alone in this slightly post-traumatic event.

[MOONHOZE]

I agree! It feels like this subject is haunting me because I just broke something off a few days ago because of it. She told me she is polyamorous and I crumbled into pieces immediately. I'm mature enough to understand, it would *never* work out between us. As much as I liked her, and wish there was a way to compromise... I knew it would never be the case. I'd feel like I wasn't giving enough to the relationship and I'd be insecure all the time thinking about who they're interested in. I'm very monogamous, and it would not work out at all. I'm still very upset, feels like I'm grieving, all this pain.

If you're polyamorous, please tell your prospects as soon as possible. Include it in your dating profile, and just make things easier. I'm gonna start including my monogamy in my stuff too, because I will not allow this to happen again.

Edit: she ended up being trans, so I updated the pronouns accordingly; and I am pansexual (same as her) so I'll be attracted to her regardless of gender identity. Oh, and I'm dating someone else, totally monogamously now, we're doing great; but, I must confess, I still think about her from time to time.

[meander]

Yeah. After a few decades of practicing polyamory, it does seem like compatibility with it is a pretty fundamental part of someone & less something that you can learn.

[ajthamaxx]

I love this video, just adding my two cents on this topic because I tried polyamory and found out real quick it was not for me, someone already said it in the comment section….there is a dilapidated power dynamic that I have not been able to reconcile and, I found polyamory as it standard currently to be very male centered. Also, I always felt the ick during the entire dating process and it’s not because I think polyamory is disgusting, it is because it turned me off. Another thing I would like people to consider is their ethics around dating. Now, I am a monogamous person but if I am dating someone and we do not have exclusively, I just ask for open lines of communication, so I can decide if I still want to date you if you are dating multiple people. There maybe no sex involved but rarely, I find that is the case and that would be uncomfortable for me. Everyone is different and I think the conversation is about dating ethically and being true to your personal feelings surrounding dating.

[nickneal]

100%. I'm poly and so is my GF, we went into our relationship ALREADY poly and understanding and discussing what our boundaries are. Do not ever compromise your boundaries with someone because they are pressuring you. That will not make you happy. It's better to break up than to be in an unhappy relationship, and 100% any guy pressuring you is not someone you want to be with anyways.

[rightwrightwriter]

Being poly isn’t inherently any more woke than monogamy. It’s just another way of being.

As a bi poly woman, I’ve been on the flip side of this. It’s also miserable having a partner suddenly spring wanting monogamy after years of an open relationship. I compromised for a few months, trying to make it work because I loved him. Making it work looked like not talking to half my circle of close friends (apparently monogamous people don’t talk to exes, or whatever). Making it work meant feeling immense guilt when I found someone else attractive. His newfound jealousy was wild to see unfold. But, he didn’t necessarily do anything overtly “wrong”, just like I hadn’t done anything wrong by being taken aback by the dynamic shift. However, I ultimately ended things because without our prior openness, I suddenly didn’t find this new, possessive version of him attractive at all.

Anywho, I learned not to compromise if I’m going to be miserable. No matter how you do relationships, you deserve security and happiness. And, that might include ending a relationship.

[verda_renee]

So glad this conversation is being had. Most Poly women that I know are only Poly because they're afraid their partner will just cheat anyway or leave them if they don't go along with it. It's based in coercion and desperation but framed as "wokeness" when they try to convince others that it's the "right" way and that's the part that's manipulative and wack. Then they'll say it's "insecurities" if you're not interested in that lifestyle knowing they're only doing it out of insecurity that their man will find someone else if they don't

[cjboyo]

You can be open and accepting towards polyamorous people as a community AND be in a monogamous relationship and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise!

[victoriap]

So true. And there are lots of truly monogamous men and people out there. It’s so important to stay true to who you are no matter what. Whether that’s poly or monogamous 💜

[eliza]

The only times I hear about a woman being happy after her husband pushed her into a poly relationship is when that woman does some combination:
- winding up with more suitors than her husband
- hooking up with people who actually care about making her c**
- gets a divorce
- does conspicuously better in general after the divorce while her ex does the opposite

Either way, the husband usually winds up playing himself and having long term regrets.