“I Get Too Obsessed Too Quickly When I Like Someone...”

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Do you get obsessed too quickly in the early days of dating? This is often dangerous because it places WAY too much of our happiness in trying to attract and keep someone (even when we don’t really know them yet).

Thankfully, this kind of “anxious dating” is something you can actually solve. In today’s video, I dive into where this obsession comes from, and give you 5 things you can do to stop falling for someone too quickly and self-sabotaging in early dating.

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▼ Chapters ▼
0:00 – 1:35 – Getting Obsessed in Early Dating
1:35 – 3:31 – #1 Identify the Feeling
3:31 – 7:01 – #2 The Anxiety That Lies in Wait
7:01 – 12:23 – #3 The Unmet Need Behind Our Anxiety
12:23 – 15:04 – #4 Create a Safe Home Within Yourself
15:04 – 17:23 – Giving Ourselves the Reassurance We Seek
17:23 – 21:29 – #5 Connect With Your Inner Child
21:29 – 22:32 – Join Me on the Beach in Florida

[eleanorskylerchan]

This video saved me... I was about to fall into my old pattern over a guy I've met only for two weeks. I was getting sad when he doesn't text me back. But I know this "connection" does not warrant this kind of reaction. So I know it is my trauma response, from a fear of being abandoned again. Thank you Matthew for teaching me how to tap into my own inner child's voice. You have no idea how this would change the way that I think from now on!

[krishna]

Reasons
- U feel lonely & don't have many people to talk to, spend time with. Therefore, this person becomes the centre of your world cz he/she is the only one giving you a little bit of attention
- Ure in touch with them all the time, hence habituated
- U don't invest enough time & energy in your own goals & hobbies
- U seek validation from others instead of being confident about what u bring to the table
- They're (most probably) not reciprocating, so you end up chasing (and hurting) more. You're stuck in this loop & not determined enough to go no-contact
- U fear letting go & embracing solitude, so you'd much rather hang on to pain that feels familiar (pls don't do this)

[dayanavaronaborroto]

For me The worst thing is when you find a mentally healthy person but your anxiety makes you self-sabotage.😢

[DougHardy]

The right person will understand your anxiety and help you through it, not abuse it.

[browneyes]

I used to be this way. I think it’s because I didn’t feel whole and I was looking for someone to fill in the emptiness I felt. I decided to find myself and discover who I truly am. I have a new respect for myself now and if I never find someone I will be okay. Do I want a partner to share life with? Yes. Will I be fine if I don’t find someone? Yes.

[PspTomisi]

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.

[shashanksinghal]

The worst part is when you may have found the awesome person but your anxiety pushed them away. They try to be good with you, but damn this anxiety keep getting bigger as they start tolerating you little bit more and finally they give up and start ghosting. It becomes worse than worse. 🙁

[violetmartha]

I have a history of putting the key to my happiness in someone else's pocket. I have just met someone after keeping myself single for the last 12 years because I was heartbroken. I wasn't heartbroken for 12 years, I hasten to add, but I kept myself "safe" for all those years. I'm in danger of repeating this old pattern, so I really needed this particular video today. Thank you Matthew.

[Relahxe]

🗣"The obsession that we have for this person in dating is nothing more than the expression of that internal anxiety and that need that wants to be met." ❗️

[lucasbittar]

Matthew, my man! What a video! Couldn’t have come in a better time. I’ve been going to this gym and a few weeks ago I noticed a girl that I was attracted to. Every so often we see each other there and say a quick hello. Yesterday was a big day for me, I was determined to get her number. I got there, saw her, we talked for a while and she was very friendly and seemed interested. I asked for her number and she said yes. Quick note, I had never in my life had done anything like that before so that alone was a big win for me! A few hours later when I got home and sent her a text and she hasn’t responded yet. First thing that comes to my mind is exactly what you covered in this video. “Oh, I must have said something wrong”, “I don’t think she likes me” and all of those thoughts. Watching this video made me realize how obsessed I am with this person that I don’t even really know yet! I feel like a did my part and I’m gonna move on and do other things like you said in the video. Thank you so much for that!
PS.: I gifted your book to my sister and she’s absolutely loving it. I can’t wait to read it as well!
Cheers from Brazil!

[clara_]

I always have one person in my circle that I am obsessed with, thinking they are the person that can make me feel safe. I didn‘t experience safety in my childhood, it was an environment of arguments and pressure to perform. Anything the person says or does controls how I am feeling, if I have a bad day, and they say something nice, everything is great again. I also have a pattern of doing everything for them. This has been going on for years with various unavailable people so much so that I now am really hesitant to meet new people because I am afraid I will lose myself instantly once I start liking them.

[RainTheCrescent_mbece...]

Indeed Obsession is a bottomless ditch towards failure.😢

[Ally-kattttt]

I hate being this way. This explains how I am way too well and it’s disappointing when I don’t realize I’m being this way at the moment.

[kionamckinney]

Your describing a Favorite Person for someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. Someone with BPD had fear of abandonment and search for that comfort person who does literally what you describe. "I need you to do this and this when I need you to". And it doesn't have to be a significant other, it can be a family member but often times that is what helps cause it so we go for outsiders or people we like. That's why we struggle with relationships because it tends to become toxic because of that anxiety and fear of being abandoned being come across as controlling or jealousy or needy. Please if you have BPD, please know that your feelings are seen and you're not alone or abandoned. You will find someone, just have to stop looking and they will show up. I promise. I'm going through the same process and it takes a lot of inner work and self reflect

[NomondeMzileni]

This is sooo me, like right now there is this guy that I'm obsessed with, and I can't stop thinking about him. I'm always waiting for his text and when he doesn't text back, my day gets ruined in an instant. I really want to get rid of this anxious attachment cause I'm always worried and relying on his attention to be happy is not healthy at all. Watching this video has helped me to see that it is just anxiety and that I should love me more, but I still want to get rid of this anxious attachment.

[JanaOliveira]

Part of limerence...state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.
I usually know that it's a hard crush that if, eventually, not reciprocated will be snapped out by icks. If reciprocated will be fed by breadcrumbs...

[omarieharrison]

I needed this, five years ago, it could have saved my life but it’s never too late to redirect

[zacksymes]

The anxiety won’t just follow you from person to person. It will follow you in each stage of the relationship with the same person. Bro that is a wild idea! Love the awareness you shed on that fundamental.

[basshunter]

so true!! the anxiety reappears and transfers onto someone else 💯💥

[huangyanjean]

I was there before, while I have toxic relationships with a narcissist, I’m glad I have been through so I know how to be smart next time