I Ruined my Life as a Teenager/Detrans Diary/Entry 18

These are just some jumbled thoughts I needed to get out. My whole life is about this detrans journey now. I ruined it.

[Mrsw]

You deserve all the love and kindness in the world, feeling that you don’t deserve it is the trauma talking. Don’t believe it!

[impossibleagent]

Prisha, whether you know it or not. Your words and videos are very powerful and reach much further than you think. You are making a difference. The hate you receive is because you make cracks in the illusion. And through those cracks the light comes in. They fear you.

[brielleanyez]

You are not ugly! You look just like my cousin and she's very pretty. Please stop beating yourself up! The medical " professionals" are outright damaging these confused kids and it makes me sick. You're going to be ok dear soul, we are here for you. ❤️ Also you look nowhere near male, you didn't ruin your life, you're young and you will recover 👍have faith, I'm going to say a prayer for you, don't shut out ones who love you, let them love you 💞

[carlabroderick]

I’m an MD who has seen enough of this to suggest a few things.

1. Stop piercing and remove the rings from your face.
2. Consider the different kinds of exercise available and choose one which you might enjoy, one with some social involvement would be very good.
3. Find a therapist with experience in this whom you can trust and go regularly.
4. Consider a low dose antidepressant and if this doesn’t work after a few months try others.
5. Try to stop rejecting those who care about you. Feeling as though you don’t deserve their love can only hurt everyone, so at least care enough about others not to reject them.
5. Consider what you could do to provide yourself stimulation, other than self harm.
6. Choose some things you might like to do and start doing them. Getting out of yourself can only help.
7. Choose things to eat which aren’t harmful. This can be done slowly, doesn’t have to happen all at once. Produce shopping and cooking are stimulating and can also be social.
8. There are techniques like “thought stopping” which psychologists can teach you to help end cyclic negative thinking.
9. You don’t realize that you appear as though you are well worth caring about in some of your videos. I think how others perceive you depends on many things—do you need to be perceived as altering yourself, either sexually, through self harm, or piercing, can you do small things to improve, and reward yourself with just relaxing about the future?

[sdsmt]

Prisha, as a mother of two daughters, know that your story is one of the inspiration to fight in my country to prevent other kids going through what you went through. I am so grateful to you and others speaking up, and I know so many people who are grateful, emboldened, enraged and moved to act, thanks to you. Having spoken with other detransitioned young adults, I feel compelled to tell you that your journey will branch away from this detrans identity. You are so much more than what happened to you as a teenager. Your life is ahead of you, and the transition and detransition processes will always be part of your history but what is ahead is still to forge. I am sorry doctors are so useless and I hope you find a therapist who can assist you in moving forward. I hope you find joy in activities, in people, in books, in nature, in turning yourself outwards.

[SeekAfterGod]

love you sis. therapist can be dangerous. you didnt kill you, by the grace of God you are still with us beloved. You are more brave than most, you are a voice for many, you are honest and your are kind.

[lukasribin]

The way you closed your eyes and just sat in the despair is something I eerily recognize and I hear you..I really do, I feel your pain and the blame you place on yourself, when it should really be placed elsewhere. Please know that this is not your fault, you are the victim here. You were misled and in a state of duress.

I have never been trans but I was bullied severely for my appearance and had a major cosmetic and functional surgery that made it 100x worse, in more ways than one. The doctors didn’t care either, they knew it would only complicate and compound my already less than fortunate situation but as long as they got their money, they didn’t care. My parents did not care either, they just wanted to shut me up. I was a minor at the time.

Now not only am I physically unattractive, but even more so and strange looking, aged looking, combined with all the stress and years of violently sobbing every single day and total lack of sleep, etc. I have had to remove myself from society and isolate in order to sustain any semblance of sanity. I cope only though dissociation and the promise of death.

I still grieve what was destroyed..and the worst part is that it was actually one of my best and only decent features that was screwed up.
The regret is unbearable and I will never get over it. I have actually already planned the end of my life. It’s at least 15 years in the making (if not more), I have lived an utterly miserable and diminutive existence and I’ve had a very long time to make this decision.
It’s time for my suffering to come to an end.

The damage done is irreversible, and combined with other inherent and additional factors, I am too tired to carry on, I cannot live with any of this, have been unable to..and have since lost all my years of youth as well.
I have not been productive in the slightest, I feel shame because I am now aligned with what is considered “taboo” as well as undesirable.
I love WHO I am but I cannot bear my circumstances and loss. I have no support system, there is nobody who understands the chain of events and unique hell that I inhabit. I am so exhausted. I had so many dreams and ambitions but now I just want it to be over.

But for you, I hope things can end differently, I do not know the whole story as this is the first video I have seen of yours, so I don’t know how much was done and how reversible the alterations and hormonal effects are..but I hope they can somehow reverse for you..although I know you will probably always have to carry the burden of what was done and the time lost, I’m so so so so sorry.

I deal with hairloss now too, could be many causes, it’s just one more thing to cause distress and demoralization. Terrible for you as well.
Sorry for rambling now…I’m not even sure how I stumbled across your video but I’m amazed at the words that come out of your mouth and your demeanor..how much I see of myself in them, despite having a different set of circumstances.
Thank you for making this video, I hate that you had to but it makes me feel less alone.

[babysis.]

I hope you see this - look at the comments, they are sincere, and so am I, you are out here helping people, and if it's just one person, then it's a job very well done, that person will be spared a lifetime of misery because of you, so you keep your head up, we all have dark days, no one has a perfect body, no one has a perfect life, you deserve the love you have in your life, claim it and hold on to it, whether you believe or not doesn't matter, but I am praying for you, and I believe you will have a good and full life, you have purpose from your experiences as bad as they were, you're helping others, be very proud of yourself 🤗🙏🏾

[BR-cyrp]

Prisha you are a brave and powerful young woman! Please reach out to someone you can talk with for support. Genspect has resources. You are a bright light for so many! You have many people in this world holding you with arms of love! You are amazing! ❤

[TheCandaceH]

Forgiveness is the healer. We all make mistakes. Makeup can do wonders! People love you now you need to learn to love yourself. Take care.

[MyDuckSaysFucc]

The problem with these doctors is they see “issues” ie self harm, suicidal ideation and other dysfunctional behavior. And they try to fix them, make them go away any way they can pharmacologically because that is the main tool they are taught to use.

But, what if your feelings are completely justified for the situation? Traumatized people WILL self harm, feel suicidal, and otherwise experience pain because it is completely normal! How can you expect someone who had gone through extreme trauma to just “be ok” “be functional” or otherwise conform to society??? You can’t!

I have been living with chronic pain for a decade, it has been a struggle to get proper medical care because of how bad doctors are at actually helping with chronic issues. They just don’t wanna see you, or if they do they want there to be a quick fix, and they will delude themselves and even you to do so.

I just can’t imagine going through that in the mental health sphere, while also feeling suicidal. I have had suicidal ideation, I have self harmed. I was able to leave those things behind though. They could come back in times of stress though. And that is completely normal.

I recommend the philosophy of stoicism. It teaches us to accept our feelings for what they are, accept our human nature. When I see people like you, I just wonder how your traumatic experience could have been prevented by professionals and whoever else simply validating your feelings.

[TexBork]

For your hair get some biotin supplements. You are beautiful and deserve love. You are making a difference, Sadly alot of doctors are that way about everyone. And honestly alot of us ruined ourselves but you're here and now for a reason. My son is where you were and he left us with an internet predator saying he is a girl and we will never see him again. I know he is not a girl and pray he sees someone like you and comes around. I pray I get to see him again. You give me the hope I need. Never forget you are loved and wanted and making a difference in this world. You made the best decision you could with the information you had at the time. As you gain new info, you make different decisions but you did not do any of it with malice. You are a lovley amazing woman. Forgive yourself and embrace your new info and new path.

[chaosxconfessional]

Oh honey.... I cannot fathom the amount of courage that it has taken for you to speak out. You are SO BEAUTIFUL PRISHA!!! You are so worthy of love and respect. I can see the pain in your eyes and hear the struggle in your voice....as a mother I cannot help but have the urge to wrap you into the tightest hug and hope that even if for only a moment that you feel seen.

WE SEE YOU !!!! Thank you for being fearless and sharing the fire in your heart!!

[kellissimo]

Believing is hard, especially when trust has been eroded. I think there are a lot of people rooting for you and hoping for the best and praying that doctors will give you the needed support and mediations. I truly wish I could move mountains for you. 🙂

[impossibleagent]

My final note in my rambling rant. Feeling loved is hard for you right now. For me it was like being sunburned badly all over my body and someone wanted to hug me. I wanted the love, the contact but it was to painful at the time. Maybe this is a little bit how it’s for you too. But let your loved ones know what they means to you. How important they are and let your boyfriend know your feelings so he knows it’s why you need some distance. Maybe you can figure something out together in a way you can be closer with them for now that feels safe enough for now. So you have some control over yourself/the situation you are in. Control is important with your trauma. Much love to you Prisha.

[FleurPapillon]

It's hard right now because you're healing and you haven't found the right doctors who are truthful, caring, and can help you. It's ok to let yourself have a hard time right now, to be patient and kind with yourself. It won't always feel this way. Take it one day at a time. Try to find moments in each day when you give yourself a break from the feelings and worries. Take some nice moments to enjoy being alive. Breath fresh air, look at flowers, enjoy nature, drink tea, find things you enjoy, that make you feel good for a moment, and let yourself enjoy some moments of peace, if you can, if it helps. Don't feel guilty about anything. Wherever you are at is ok. This is an extremely hard thing you're going through.

[alienprodigy]

My friend thinks he ( he used to be she ) is trans but we’re only 13 I’m older than him I’m gonna be 14 in less than a month I used to be in his situation when I was like 12 and I was like that for a few months before coming to the realization this isn’t what I want and I watched detrans people and eventually started realizing just how much people who are all pro trans and “you should let your kid transition don’t question it at all or you’re transphobic” are really just trying to lure kids into this cult like thing ( not saying all trans people are like this ) and I spent months with the guilt I felt after all I did after telling people I felt sick to my stomach and I felt horrible about myself I chopped off my hair and felt ugly ( it’s back :) and I’m continuing to grow it out ) I try to ask him why he thinks he’s trans and he just says “I don’t know I didn’t like being a girl” he’s also mentally ill he has depression, ADHD, anxiety yknow and he’s told me he felt ugly before and stuff but he doesn’t listen to what I have to say he won’t watch detrans videos I try to warn him but then he doesn’t listen I’d let him find out on his own but it took my friend for me to realize I didn’t wanna be like that

[thegigantico]

you are strong enough prisha, u can do it, you deserve to have a good life, just like EVERYONE else. I think you should watch a few DDPY videos on youtube! You can do it, you are worthy. You are one of US. YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING nothing more and nothing else

[janiris]

Please, don't stay alone with your thoughts. You deserve all the love your beloved give you. And one day you will forgive yourself. <3

[quinnvids]

you are such a beautiful and strong woman. thank you for sharing your experience. I am so sorry you were failed by people you should have been able to trust. You didn’t deserve that, you deserved actual care, not harm.