Stop Playing Small to Manage Emotional Triggers

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When you've been heavily criticized or bullied in your life, you may have learned to suppress yourself as a coping mechanism -- not expressing yourself, not committing to anything, holding yourself apart and not connecting. In this video I teach about the reasons why traumatized people manage symptoms by "Playing Small," and how to make practical changes to move beyond your safe zone and build a happier, more fulfilled life.

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[leeboriack]

This 32 minute talk is like 6 months of therapy and life coaching combined. My brain is trying to process all of it.

[GodIsLoveJohn]

Self- Suppression

1. You confuse living simply, with self-neglect
2. Your living space is cluttered & dirty
3. You don't exercise
4. You go to bed feeling guilty about what you ate
5. You don't buy decent clothes
6. Your car is full of litter
7. Your desk or workspace is cluttered
8. You don't buy yourself clothes that look good on you
9. Your underclothes are tattered
10. You suppress your romantic life
11. You love someone but you don't tell them
12. The person you love doesn't love you but you hold on
13. You date someone for years but don't commit
14. You have a partner who loves you but you are not faithful
15. You are in a relationship that you know can't last but you don't leave
16. You'd like to have a partner but you don't meet people
17. You wish you had friends but believe "people are terrible"
18. You never have people over
19. You complain and gossip about a friend but don't talk to them about it
20. You know it's your friend's birthday but you don't send a note
21. You don't say hello to people you pass in the street
22. You avoid the neighbors when you go outside
23. You have people you love but you don't stay in touch
24. When a dog or cat greets you on the street you ignore it
25. When you join a group you become critical & leave
26. When you go to a potluck you don't bring a dish or help clean up
27. You go to 12 step meetings but don't work the steps
28. You believe that life is unfair & won't let you succeed
29. You can't advance at your job because you lack skills but you don't learn them
30. The knowledge you need is free online but you don't learn it
31. You live burried in debt & can't make any changes
32. You don't get medical & dental checkups
33. Your living space has nothing beautiful
34. You'd like to get a pet but don't get one
35. You feel resentful around happy or accomplished people (shame/avoidance)

The solution is to begin expressing who you are

[erint]

I worked in a shoe shop once where an elderly lady started working, we became thick as thieves-she opened up to me once and said that she decided to get a little job because she realised after her husband passed she was so lonely she would go and buy milk every day for that 5second interaction with the cashier. My point is, a 2 second hello might be an inconvenience for you but it could be the other person's lifeline.

[Megan-mrue]

This is exactly my life. I've learned to live with next to nothing. I avoid everything. So thankful for my therapist.

[JenWIL]

I have gotten more out of this woman's YouTube video than any counselor that I have had. This Fairy is actually trying to help where other counselors have barely share any advice.

[e.malloy]

I want to share one thing that helped me when I was feeling overwhelmed with all of these sorts of things - not feeling worthy, not feeling good, or not feeling like I could do anything right: I gave myself permission to try it or do something really small and/or do it only once. I know it sounds weird, but sometimes I think we hope we can make everything different in our lives with one big sweeping gesture or one huge change, but when I told myself to start small and be okay with beginning at the smallest amount SO much pressure came off to do new things or open up to opportunities. I started a regular practice exercising/yoga after telling myself I only needed to go to the gym once a week. I made a whole quilt (the size of a throw, but my very first) after telling myself I just needed make one thing. I cleaned out an entire house by starting with just one bookshelf, one day at a time. Whatever your goal, doing just one thing at a time, and slowly you will feel improvement. Don't feel like it needs to be something huge, it only needs to be one small thing.

[marilynking]

Mini success story here lol. Anna I was bullied in childhood as well as neglected among other things. I started watching your videos about a year into the pandemic and a few months after my dad passed away. I had also went through a breakup. This all happened around the same time. I found your videos and they saved my life. I started writing and have been writing for two years now. At first I didn’t notice how big of a change I made until I got around others. I’m now able to be in the presence of others with less anxiety. I speak to myself more positively and my self esteem has risen significantly. I still have a lot to work on but I never thought I would come this far. Thank you so much for these videos.

[marlymarls]

Literally me. I’ve been this way my whole life. As a child I always played small, giving everyone the spot light, and me…in the dark.

[winter_s_]

An offshoot to the potluck one is preferring to clean up and help out as a way of avoiding actually socializing. I do that all of the time. I’d rather be in the kitchen or zipping around taking care of logistics as a way of avoiding interacting with others. That is also playing it small.

[Tadams]

As a cut off person socially. What I really want is to have people in my life that respect and know the real me. I want to help people; I also want to be supported. I wish to have a healthy tribe. That is my greatest wish. I don't want to be a doormat and crap fit people in my life. I also want to help people and pay my healing forward. That is my greatest wish.

[graylor]

I had a major medical trauma from self neglect. After the surgeries I had an epiphany. I am allowed to be happy. I don't have to carry other people's faulty assessments of myself. I'm shocked by how much flows from that. I'm doing at least twenty minutes a day of housework and keeping up with the dishes. My house is pin neat, the same as my bedroom was despite my hoarder mother and her back up singers blaming me for her mess. I carried that with me for so long. I'm making art again, though eventually my pens will run out of ink. I can buy new ones then, the pigma micron people aren't going out of business. I bought a toilet paper holder even though it was fine to let the paper sit on the edge of the sink. I'm working out daily and eating real food. I'm allowed to be happy, no matter what dead people or relatives I don't even talk to would say. I'm allowed to be happy.

[amandarattray]

The uncomfortable laughing to this video, in the shower, quickly devolved into sobbing then, what resembled dog howls.... wow....by 20 mins you took me out...ARE PEOPLE REALLY DOING THE SAME EXACT THINGS AS ME?! They're SO SPECIFIC...

[TheCoffeeCat]

Great vídeo. I was talking to my therapist about how I've made my life purposefully small in order to find safety and comfort. I feel as though I'm hanging by a thread and any injury could mean annihilation.

[juanderuano]

Great video, I was in a beautiful marriage before my now ex wife left me, i still love her and most times i cant stop thinking about her, i am doing my very best to get rid of the thought of her, but i just cant, i love her so much, i don't know why i am bring this here for, i cant stop thinking about her

[carlaeskelsen]

Calling anyone on the phone is so beyond difficult. It's paralyzing, whether it's making an appointment or calling my beloved husband, kids and grandkids. It causes tremendous anxiety just contemplating it.

[thescapegoatclub]

I also feel like if I live simply, I can’t be criticized for being flashy or showy by my narcissistic family. I still want to be under their radar, even though we are estranged and on different continents. Trying to give myself permission to live a little bigger. The guilt used to kick in, but I’m getting there. Thanks so much for the video!

[elizabethivy]

These videos are great for self-awareness, but I find them difficult to watch. It feels like I'm receiving a list of everything I'm doing wrong, much of which I didn't realize was part of the issue until now. I feel frustrated that I've subscribed to many of these self-defeating habits for so long. The impulse to try to fix everything at once is really strong, but also overwhelming and an unrealistic goal. Trying to stay focused on progress and celebrating small victories. It's hard not to beat myself up over many of these points that I am currently still struggling with.

I've been trying to clean up clutter and unused items in my apartment this week. I finally brought some nasty old beach chairs to the dump, which was a task I had been procrastinating to do for months. I never had to go to the dump before, so doing something unfamiliar was creating a lot of anxiety. I had all these fears about talking to the employees there, finding the right place to go, making a mistake, etc. etc. It felt like progress when I finally threw those crusty things away. And-- nothing exploded, and no one died! So, I have hope that the next unfamiliar experience I take on will feel less daunting.

[lindabuonline]

I grew up with two extremely narcissistic parents who fought all the time. They basically ignored me and used me for their own purpose. As soon as could get out, I went "no contact" with my narcissistic relatives and all their enablers and flying monkeys. I'd rather die than living one day more than necessary with them. I thought by not contacting them, I can become a normal person, but wasn't I naive? I have all the symptoms you talked about--making myself small and invisible, feeling everybody an enemy, afraid of rapport or connections. Everything you said applies to me. And thank you for your video.

[Strangedream]

I was already in tears before you'd been speaking for 1 minute. How do you know my life so well? I'm almost afraid to watch your videos.

[designchik]

Thank you for this video, Anna. I’ve done so many of the things you’ve discussed, but I want to comment on friendships specifically.

I was friends with someone in my 20s who was stunning and a little arrogant about it. My self-esteem was so low, and I felt so ugly around her, that I finally reached a point where I just couldn’t be around her anymore. I basically slithered away with no explanation.

I reconnected with her about 10 years ago and resurrected our friendship. She had been diagnosed with breast cancer, initially thought to be stage 1 but actually was stage 4 and terminal. We developed a closer friendship than we’d ever had in our 20s, and I found out that despite her looks, she had never felt good enough either. It was all bravado.

I was devastated when she passed away a few years later, and I really miss her. I wish I hadn’t wasted all that time. Life is so strange sometimes, but I’m so happy that I reached out to her when I did.