PTSD as a Suicide Loss Survivor

The reason I have a PTSD reaction to his smell is because I was the one to find him when he took his life. The smell of him reminded me of the night that he died, so without thinking about it my body has an automatic reaction tied to the night that I found him.

After losing and finding my boyfriend, Ryan, to suicide on Sept 12th, 2020, I have chosen to share my story and my grief journey to heal through the pain, and guilt, and learn to find myself again.

My goal in sharing my story is to take away the taboo of what it's like to show and feel grief when losing someone to suicide or death.

If you are here because you lost someone please know you are not alone, I hope me sharing my journey gives you peace that there is light at the end of the tunnel and you will not feel this way forever.

[dalvirmalton]

Thank you for doing this. My Little sister committed suicide almost 6 years ago now and the pain never really goes away. You kind of just learn to live with it I guess.

[jimmock]

“Suicide doesn’t stop the pain, it just passes it on to the ones who love you” THIS is what keeps me from doing it. I can’t do that to my family.

[alyssamarie]

As a survivor of my own attempts this makes me so grateful to be alive today

[superstarprincess]

This broke my heart. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Thank you for your graciousness and transparency with something so vulnerable as this.

[ggmejia]

I read somewhere “grief and loss is just love with nowhere to go and I'm
thankful for all the love I still have.”

[lovescatsdogfan]

When I lost one of my loved ones, the scent of their clothes were also a big trigger for me. I’m so sorry you are going through this and I’m sending love and prayers

[yogirlacoco]

“Grief Never goes away. Instead we learn to live with it” you brought tears to my eyes. Goodluck with the rest of your journey.
Edit: thank you guys for all the likes!

[pnwlady]

Suicide has gone up so much around this time. It’s heartbreaking to think how many people must be struggling. 💜💜💜

[tovahjohnson]

Thanks for being so vulnerable. As someone with depression that has suicidal ideation, the idea of causing the people I love to go through this is a good reminder that suicide is not the answer.

[lovewwe]

I'm so sorry, I can't even imagine the pain you're feeling, I just hope you can find some peace in this life. Sending love ❤️

[Maomaomahu]

My heart goes out to everyone who’s gone through this ❤️

[stephenleblanc]

My heart feels for you. May God bless you love.

[eunicestone]

I was the same with my daughter's room. Every time I went in there I would get a blinding migraine so bad I'd have to go get a shot for it. I finally wrote a list of things I for sure wanted to keep and let my best friend pack up the rest and donate it. I never ever opened the box of stuff I wanted to keep.its been 35 years and that box is still on a shelf at my ex mother in law's house.

[stephaniestark]

I started bawling. I can’t even imagine that pain. My heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry for your loss

[tinykqi._.]

You’re so strong, as someone who’s been close I appreciate seeing the other end of it.

[sunniray]

My heart is with you! I'm so sorry that you had to experience this in your life. No one deserves to have someone they love think they have no other options in life than this. There is nothing harder than going through their stuff. I lost my brother and I cherish the gifts he gave me and even the things he used everyday. I can't imagine how you feel because we didn't have to move his stuff, we just put it all in his room and it's like a shrine now. I know how hard the first year is. Finding something that was his and remembering all those good times. Going somewhere that's was a place of nothing but memories. I've only been camping with my family twice in the last 7 years because where we camp is a property that's been in the family. I can't go there and not think of the bike rides, the campfires, the hide and seek, just all the little adventures we used to have there. I can't pass his room without feeling the pain in my heart that he's not here. I see all his friends on FB starting families, making a career, living their lives and it hurts knowing he won't be able to have that. One of my sisters is pregnant and all I think of is how he would've had beautiful babies too, that he would've been a great dad and husband. It just hurts knowing that he won't be able to experience all these things like he should.
I won't lie, losing someone you love to suicide it's painful and hard to deal with. You'll wish there was something you could've done to change their mind. What did help me is going to sound a bit crazy and there will be people who don't believe but I met a psychic medium. She started to sing the song, 'somebody that I used to know' she said that my friend, with the name starting with a Z; loved this song from our art class. I had no idea how she knew about a class I had 4 years earlier and a song that my art teacher had us write about how the song and music video made us feel; the class I had with my BFF at the time, ZOEY. It was hard not to believe her when she told me that my brother wanted to to know. He told her, " If I knew then, what I know now then I never would've done it." That experience brought back my spirituality and now I talk to him pretty regularly. That's my way of coping but everyone deals with it different.

[michelecas]

Brought tears to my eyes . Thank you so much for sharing, your so strong ❤️

[demilovesjesus]

You’re so strong thank you for raising awareness about this

[ahh]

I already had PTSD but I’m a recent Suicide loss survivor ontop of this, I can absolutely confirm that these are normal reactions and I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Stay strong. <3

[mariahall]

Sending LOVE. Thank you for sharing this with us…you absolutely didn’t have to and you did. That’s amazing - you are amazing ❤️