Shame and IFS Couple Therapy

[dorasneddon]

This talk has propelled me forward a great deal in self understanding and self compassion. It has also allowed me to see how damaging my sniping, other-shaming behaviour is. I now have hope that I can heal my own shame. I already feel a shift in my relationships with husband and children. I am a burnt-out carer-of-others, just starting to care better for myself. Thank you, Toni and Martha, for the work and the sharing.

[ChristineKnightIFS]

Shame was the most buried - and hidden - emotion and the last to finally be revealed in my own #ifs healing journey because of the denial (survival strategy) being diligently performed by my Protector Parts. When the shame being carried by the meaning given & stories created by my inner Parts was finally revealed, only then could I truly see the harm I was causing to others (behavior that I had previously justified)… IFS changed my life. It is now a daily practice, and the Self-trust now brings true meaning and fulfillment.

[canonwestern]

Toni,
Thank you so much for this. It was great to hear it again. This is so clear and well said but I know I have parts that will need to listen to it a few more times to really let it sink in. It is revolutionary what you are up to. Can't wait for more. See you in June.
Canon Western, MFT, Santa Cruz

[evelynheffermehl]

Very interesting and deep talk, thank you Toni. Yes, we need to be willing to walk in the fire with our clients, and with ourselves first. Toni, I use Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. I am so glad to discover your model as it reconciles the inner (vertical) and outer (horizontal) dimensions. I also love that IFS is so spiritual. Thank you. I look forward to learning more about it as I grow.

[intimacyinsideout]

Thank you Canon. Keep on noticing shame in your office! See you soon

[darinsmith]

I don't know how much this applies but I am going to say it anyways.. All of my parts like to be relaxed.. Maybe I could look at shame as something that takes all of my parts out of relaxation.. Then ask the question why?

[InnerSunshine]

FYI my notes from this video: What if more often than not, shame and blame (projecting shame) are at the core of couple's problems?
Our shaming parts can be conceived of as protectors around our exiles.  
Codependency, over-giving to others are  Managers protecting us from feeling our shame.  
Good language for healing shame is moving from "I am [bad]" to "This happened"  
Shame as normal primitive, infantile crisis response.  From first breath to age three at least, there is only me, everything is me.  There is no higher intelligence available yet.  
When infants perceive a threat to relational bonds, this is a survival issue.  All benefits of relation and connecting with our caregiver are at stake.  We could die. 
Since as infants everything is me, healthy age-appropriate narcissism, the threat of loss of caregiver can only mean "I am bad" and "I did something wrong" even if I don't know what I did.  Raise your hand if you ever felt you did something wrong but don't know what it was.  No infants escapes some feelings of shame due to these very basic rules of the game. 
How does "something bad happened" turn into "I am bad"  in infants?  See Bruce notes above about how limited our intelligence is as an infant.
Why we shame ourselves and shame our partner:  Rather the shame we know and are familiar with than the shame we don't know and couldn't handle as an infant.  I'd rather shame you (blame your partner) than to feel the bigger shame you trigger in me. 
What the language of shame sounds like in relationship:
- I'm not enuf
- I'm too much
- I can't be myself.
Shame is about me. Guilt is about you.
Shame is about me because of healthy, age-appropriate infantile narcissism. 
Guilt requires intelligence to cognize another person.  As adults:  Who can I find to target for my bad feelings?
A solution is to look inside and explore the feelings you are avoiding and not yet curious about. 
Notice health Self-leadership naturally regulates shame, shaming, and blaming behavior. 
A shameless narcissist (sociopathic) uses shame as a control tool.
Bruce: Notice how the above improves on and makes older language about "the shadow" seem very dated.

[stephencoleman]

A shameless narcissist (sociopathic) uses shame as a control tool. This would then infer that the narcissist's subconscious is filled with shameful feelings, though they never seem to show self shame on a conscious level?