Are Unspoken Agreements + Expectations Ruining Your Relationships? - Terri Cole

Were you raised in a family with silent agreements?

Were there topics you knew you could not discuss with your parental impactors?

Did big fights or upsetting events happen only for everyone to wake up the following day and pretend they didn’t?

Or do you have unexpressed expectations for your partner, family, or friends and feel disappointed when they fail to meet them?

Silent agreements or expectations are often dysfunctional, which is why, in this episode, I am breaking down the dangers of this behavior and where it comes from. I am also giving you questions to understand where you have silent agreements in your life so you can move to expressed or clean agreements.

*Time Stamps*
0:00 - Introduction
2:14 - What are silent agreements?
3:37 - How silent agreements are a learned behavior
5:27 - Starting to identify where you have silent agreements
8:52 - What do we gain from silent agreements?
10:54 - Why we need clean agreements & steps to take
13:17 - My journey with silent and clean expectations
15:37 - You are capable of clean agreements

*If You Enjoyed This, Watch These Videos*

*About Terri Cole*
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.

For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.

*Connect With Me*

*Resources to Check out*

I’m not currently taking any new one-on-one therapy or coaching clients, but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs. As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp's resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help's service, I will receive a commission on the referral but please know that I only recommend services that I know & trust.

#terricoleshow #communicationskills #relationshiptips

[cat.lady]

Thanks for opening up this topic, Terri! In my past relationships I can recognise that I was having these unspoken expectations and I was building resentment. In my current relationship I try to communicate things as much as possible. The problem is when I ask to my partner to do something (like put something away because I can't reach it myself), he would agree and would usually do it, BUT, it takes him so much time to do it that sometimes I end up doing it myself. That also builds resentment and I'm not sure how to deal with it because his response is that he would have done it. Problem is - not when I want it done, in this case.

[almondmilksoda]

I grew up in a household like this. Explosive blowups, walking on eggshells, a lack of trust, enabling toxic/unhealthy behaviors, and covert resentment was the result. Now, as an adult who is conscious of these dynamics, I have to re-establish better boundaries and clearer communication. Wish me luck 😪🙏🏻✨

[Sharedpath]

What is understood does not need to be said, is a common phrase circling the web. Well, it isn't a great way to live in my view.
Thanks for the work you do and the awareness we can receive if we do the work.

[caleuxx]

I believe that talking it out with shame based people who blame-shift their emotions onto others is practically

[christinewatling]

Your timing is perfect. I needed to hear this right now. Thank you.

[carmenfellows]

Just started following you. On silent agreements, I’m thinking it can lead to passive aggressive behavior. For example my ex bf would give me the cold shoulder the next day because I was supposed to assume that he had wanted intimacy the night before. He didn’t give me very clear message about it and I would have been happy to accommodate his needs but instead I had to guess. Was so much work and he made me feel so bad as a result. Also watched your other videos and very helpful to me. 🙏

[michellet]

I think I look for ways to be helpful to others but I get disappointed when people don't take care of things to help me in return. I didn't think I needed to say "can you do the dishes?" if they're obviously piling up in the sink. Communicating that as a need is still hard for me to fully grasp, especially because I feel like others will get put off or defensive by the ask.

[mirianalogara]

Hi Terry, I went to therapy in my early 20's, intense therapy for 5 years. I still struggle speaking out with people that are so used to not communicate, and I end up being the villain. I'm ok with it, I'm a cycle breaker 💪. It hasn't been easy because I'm an empath but I also have faith in God, and I know is my calling! I'm so glad there are channels like yours. Thank you for what you do!

[ms.evelynnn]

I think this topic was good!! In society we say “match my energy or vibe@ definitely puts pressure on one another or just me.. idk

[brightphoebesays]

Thank you Terry, this makes a whole lot of sense, and will be very helpful to me. I came from the same kind of family, and I remember my best friend and I getting over all our arguments by pretending they never happened. It was a soothing feeling that she still loved me the next day, and was willing to let it go, yet things never got discussed and eventually we became very bitter toward each other. I had a best friend in my divorce year who was Latino, and I think I was drawn to her because I wanted to absorb that freeness she had from her culture. My marriage went sour when we stopped communicating. It was just too scary cuz he pummelled me emotionally whenever I confronted him. And I was watching Star Trek last night and Guinan said to Geordie how this woman had done "the worst possible thing", by not living up to his dream of her. Then he realized that he had been unfair to the woman, and he went from angry to apologetic.

When my auntie told me I was depressed because I was not appreciating what I have, and that I should think of those poor people in the Ukraine, I wrote up a reply, but chickened out on sending it. I never explained to her how my depression is not a form of arrogance, or my fault. It was too big a hurdle and too great a risk to take, with her personality. I knew I could not change her mind, and that she would take it as an affront, so I let it slide. And then a year later she came out with that my lack of success in life is my fault, and that my divorce is also my fault. Then I thought back to when my mom warned me about being too open with her. I always knew that if the topic of poverty ever came up with her, we would have difficulty in our relationship. So I kept my views to myself and accepted her as she is, warts and all. It's a sad feeling though to know that if you ever tell someone the truth about what you really feel, that a huge fight will ensue and the relationship will crumble. But I am learning that you have to.

[lawoman]

Everything makes perfect sense. Thank you for reverse engineering things Terri. I can not tell you enough how much this is helping. ❤

[ms.evelynnn]

Thank you this made me realize that I’m doing this in my relationships and I want to fix it thank you

[Theprincesswinter]

I really enjoyed this video Terri! I’m making an effort to get better at my communication skills. I thought at some point I had gotten better with understanding my needs and being able to “kind of” voice my expectations/needs but I’ve realized that I haven’t made much progress. I feel completely lost in how to effectively do so. Can you make more videos related to this topic? Maybe a video on how to identify needs and how to set expectations…or maybe diving deeper into silent agreements. It would really be useful to me and so many others. Thanks so much!

[amyiamthechange]

Terri I'm so grateful for your brilliance and insight into these complex topics. I learn so much from you!

[francequijano]

I love it. Listening to you really helped improve my relationship with my husband.

[bsws]

Terry. I'm anxious to get your guide. I'm 76 and my parents sound like yours. Maybe it was the "times" and adults were like that. My father and mother were both school teachers but, now, so many years ago I don't remember them ever explaining things to me instead of yelling. Well, my father anyway. My mother didn't yell at me she just referred me to my father. But he NEVER explained anything to me--he just kept telling me to be quiet when I tried to explain things to him. Maybe I was arguing with him but I just wanted "answers" to why he was mad at me. I wasn't a bad child. So, I ended up being very quiet and not speaking much. I was confronted with this at school when everyone said I was "quiet" as though that was a BAD thing. I just didn't want to get into any confrontations. As I grew to be an adult, I learned to talk to people and not be the "quiet one". My husband and I get along fine and do talk things out. I think I had a real "security" issue with my parents. They are both gone now but I do think about what went wrong in my childhood. My 2 years younger sister didn't seem to have the same issues though we haven't talked about it much. Your video about "unspoken agreements" was very enlightening to me. Thanks.

[caleuxx]

My personal opinion (based on all my learning and personal experience with my coocoo family of origin, and my husbands coocoo family of origin) is that dysfunctional people who are full of shame, have dysfunctional expectations (selfcentered, immature, etc) and/or bad communication habits .... and on some level they know it, so they dont vocalize it openly (and/or cannot take responsiblity for their own mistakes because it triggers their core shame), so instead they blame-shift it onto someone else often covertly (silently, passive aggressive), etc... EXample - a few years ago, my husbands sister (doesnt have much money, 2 kids) asked him to take pictures of her nieces as a christmas present to them... my husband gladly agreed (his hobby) - when the day came for him to take those pictures he went to their house to do that.... the next day my sister-in-law blasted me with blame for not being there (she said it was a family event with food and drinks) - no one told me it was a family event (and I had much work to do at home) - when I pointed it out, that no one invited me (no one told me to come), her response was that I was supposed to She does not take responsiblity for her bad communication.... I believe that these people are so full of core SHAME and mistakes trigger their core shame, so it is not talked about, so as not the inflict the

[michellemorkel]

I grew up in a family where we could talk openly and it's something I do with my daughters, unfortunately my ex handled matters as silent agreement

[emarivie]

I wasn't aware of the way I was trying to solve any "problem" that might show up on the horizon before it became a reality. In my silent agreement with my partner, I identified myself assuming the responsibility for our emotions in a bilateral way, it's confusing because I'm very open and always asking and answering all questions around our relationship but she wouldn't give any clear answers, so I started to take care of everything emotionally speaking... just because she couldn't answer the questions to establish new agreements...
How can I give her space to express and answer when I need the response without taking her emotional responsibility to express how she is feeling about something?

[mynameismarypat]

This is so helpful. Infinite gratitude!