Marrying Into “Old Money': 10 Unspoken Rules and Expectations

So you’ve been scouring the almighty algorithm and, to your surprise, you click on a video that claims to give you the goods on what it’s like when you’ve discovered you have in-laws who are from an “old money” family.

You see, the truth is this, friends - if you're contemplating marriage into old money - brace yourself for a riveting dive into a unique universe of paradoxes - a lifestyle steeped in both heart-stopping generosity and soul-searching suspicion - a world filled with comforting pastimes yet stringent decorum…

In a place where wealth isn’t merely calculated in the number of dollars someone has - but equally measured in the amount of social connections and “problems solved” they can fix in a hurry.

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TIMESTAMPS:
0:00 Introduction
1:12 #1 Positive: Shocking Levels of Generosity
3:51 #2 Negative: Subtle Questioning of Motives
6:16 #3 Positive: Adventurous Hobbies and Getaways
7:56 #4 Negative: Highly Intensive Social Expectations
10:14 #5 Positive: You’re One Call Away From… Everybody
12:08 #6 Negative: The Lack of Any “Life Path” or “Career Goals”
15:02 #7 Positive: The Valuing of Possessions of Quality
16:38 #8 Negative: Comfort In Strong Class Differences
17:59 #9 Positive: Valuing Manners and Etiquette Over Mere “Money”
19:22 #10 Negative: Cluelessness Around Others’ Financial Insecurity

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Now, marrying into old money is a fascinating journey into an exclusive world filled with intriguing unwritten rules and expectations.

Indeed, you may find yourself in situations that defy conventional wisdom.

Firstly, it's not unusual to experience a level of perceived generosity that may initially seem overwhelming - especially if you do not come from this particular social stratum.

Marrying into old money may, at times, invite behaviors that seem to question your motives, even appearing to trigger a degree of paranoia.

In other words, you may be suspected of being attracted to the family’s wealth - rather than your spouse’s heart - despite it being evident to those around that such concerns are unfounded.

Often this may not be an overt statement or question by the matriarch or patriarch of the family - it may simply hinted at by the level of information - even about your own children or lifestyle - that you are privy too.

It might surprise you to find that sports like squash, sailing, tennis, fencing, and equestrian events are common fixtures in their social calendar.

As you might have expected, marrying into old money commonly immerses you in a world steeped in tradition, formality, and etiquette.

There will be the small, yet significant matters such as the church or synagogue you attend, your fashion choices, and the way you conduct yourself at social events.

You see, attention to detail is paramount; from the decorum displayed at social gatherings to the precise etiquette of tipping.

One of the defining aspects of marrying into an "old money" family is the intricate web of connections they possess.

This is often more than a display of social standing - it represents a network of established relationships providing access to opportunities, privileges, and assistance that are beyond the reach of others - even those with wealth.

Now, this network often extends into a wide array of sectors. Old money families may have personal connections with eminent judges, influential bankers, or deans of prestigious universities.

However, navigating the intricate dynamics of decision-making and lifestyle within the sphere of old money - particularly if you're marrying into it - can be a complex endeavor.

As the substantial wealth in these circles is often intergenerational, fortified by legal safety nets such as prenuptial agreements, major financial decisions—like procuring a new house or designing lavish vacations—tend to remain within the jurisdiction of the primary wealth holder.

With that said, delving into the world of old money reveals a certain ethos towards possessions - one that prizes preservation over replacement, and values the charm of family heirlooms over the allure of brand new items.

One insightful lesson from the wealthiest might be that “everything is repairable”.

Discarding broken items is often seen as a sign of new or middling wealth.

One distinctive trait of old money circles is the ease with which they interact with domestic help.

Servants, maids, or any domestic staff are often treated as a part of the household tapestry, with conversations of deeply personal matters conducted around them as if they're unseen.

This level of comfort stems from a long history of familiarity and acceptance of household staff as an integral part of their everyday life.

[oldmoneyluxury]

SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS and personal experiences if you’ve ever married into “old money” or extreme wealth… Or, alternatively - if you know someone who has.

[thesimplediaryvlog]

My fiancé comes from a wealthy family who have run their business for several generations. The first thing I noticed is that in these circles where people give each other houses and apartments like other people give flowers from the supermarket, no one says they are wealthy, let alone old-money. Even when they know it is, they say they are hard-working middle class people. Money is never talked about, but expensive things are paid for: our apartment was paid for and next year our wedding with the whole family. In general, money or prizes are never talked about - they are given away and thanked. It was difficult for me at first to fit into these circles where it is normal to send your child to private school, chess and tennis. After more than 6 years of relationship, I have adapted so that I am now sometimes a stranger to my own family, as they often do not understand the conventions of the other family.

[jaimicottrill]

If you "marry up" you should be aware that it's not all "paying off your debts" or "buying the best appliances". there will be frustrating times when you feel like everyone got a secret memo that you didn't- you wear slightly the wrong outfit or use the wrong terminology that makes it clear you are an outsider. And while people might always be polite to you (after all rudeness is so declasse) they might not ever be friendly or make you feel included. Plus they will generally make you sign a prenup.

[tfh]

as an american who is working class irish/appalachian of british descent one side, and african american/scottish on the other side, i have zero connection to “old money” and don’t think i have ever even met an old money person, but i’m just so surprised by how similar my natural approach to life is to theirs, from my fashion sense, my hobbies and interests, and knowledge and respect of family history and traditions. i’m an anomaly in my milieu.

[charlynegezze]

Of course they repair old furniture because it was originally good stuff. I can´t imagine repairing something from Ikea.

[tygressblade]

I went to school with old money as a child. I will say today while I am a “working stiff”…I was amused to find out thru mu Ancestry DNA that some of those people are 3rd and 4th cousins. And I knew more about the family history in the British Isles than they did…and where some the money came from…and why my side was disinherited.

[feonasmith]

I haven't had the opportunity of interacting with old money, but I admire their ability to make connections. Middle class socialization sometimes gets in the way for the rest of us. Social value/status comes from consumption: car, house, vacations etc. Type of job: white collar vs blue collar vs service jobs. We tend to be slaves to people's opinion of us: do we look poor, do we give the right impression, do people like us, do we have enough stuff that secures our middle class status. After all of that, there really is not much room left for other pursuits like high culture, certain types of sports, making connections with the right people. We're just caught in a trap. We're also used to doing everything ourselves, some of us feel embarrassed if we have to hire help. No wonder it's hard for people to ascend from the class they were born in. Many times it's not money, it's the mental changes we need to make that's in our way.

[ConstantCompanion]

I married into a degree of wealth sometime ago. What I would have given to have his tutelage back then. I made every mistake imaginable. In fact, I had pretty much given up, until I found your videos. I will work to change my ways and fit in better. I may not 16, but I can at least try.

[Tweegrrl]

Both my grand parents on my mother's side came from old money. There are streets named after my ancestors in Montreal near the Olympic Stadium. All that wealth was gone within a generation. My grandfather squandered and gambled it all away. His money, my grandmother's money, everything of value (furniture, jewelry, silverware, gilded gold plates, art, houses), all sold and pawned. He even took my mother's trust fund (and my aunt's). Perhaps his siblings are still old money, I don't know, because he was cut off from the family. It's really quite amazing how fleeting it is if you're not careful (even those born into it). Thankfully, my mother learned from HIS mistakes, and we ended up OK.

[healthyamerican]

most of us will never need these tips, but a few of us will make it there, and so its good we learned some things in advance. on the other hand, some of us may observe others who are part of the old money world, and we will recognize from afar, though we may not be part of it. thanks for working so hard on these videos!

[nikkil]

When money is viewed as multigenerational capital rather than one’s own, a whole new set of rules for spending emerge. Buying an expensive antique or piece of art is encouraged, but buying an expensive consumable like Starbucks each day is wasteful and discouraged. Even though that $8 coffee may seem irrelevant, it shows a lack of commitment and understanding of how money should be invested not spent.

[blbrightlights]

Old money in England might be different from the US.English old money are often struggling with the cost of running and maintaining their estates, their furniture and appliances have often seen better days. They most likely don't have the number of staff that they had back in the day.

[jennie]

Can you please make a video about the daily life of old money people

[le]

I know its fiction but my favourite line is from Downtown Abbey when Maggie Smith's character (Lady Grantham?) says "whats a weekend". 😄

[evelyn]

Not only "old money" in-laws, try marrying into a very religious family who feel superior to everyone not inside their religion or even just their individual church. The same rules apply...keep the outsider on the outside and don't grow friendlier as time goes on.

[lauramason]

I have seen middle-class people trying to look like their old money. The funny thing is that there are rich people trying to pretend they’re poor. It’s a humorous irony filled with aspiration.

[gaelle]

This is actually pretty spot on, however be aware of whether you are a member of the family to start off with or married into the family risking the family reputation is not done. You are above all a representative of the family, not an individual. And where connections can be used to help you they can also be used to break you.

[goat]

An excellent YouTube channel. Keep up the good work.

[michellekilmer]

Am totally laughing at the kitchen appliance analogy because that is just what happened. A few months ago. The 30 year old freezer went out and a new top of the line one because it was the best was put in its place. Plus a year ago. The same with the refrigerator.

[SKingJoy]

My best friend married into Dutch aristocracy. She had no idea he was from a wealthy family because they met in NYC. She was shocked when her husband told her he would need to break the news of their engagement on a solo visit to his family to ensure they would accept her.

They accepted her, but were emotionally distant. Shortly after she was married and thei their first child was born, her husband was given a trust that would go to their son upon adulthood. To this day, she has no idea how much the family is worth. They never speak of their money.

In NYC, she and he worked normal jobs, but when the moved to the Netherlands they both stopped working and focused on family life. They live in one of the family homes in Amsterdam.

They go to family homes in Italy, Greece, Belgium, France...and send the children to private school.

She had to learn how to behave in certain circles in order to not be seen as a disruption.

Her husband Aub is so nice that it makes up for the awkwardness of being a part of his family, so she smiles and deals with it. She says everyone is very polite.