My Twin’s Anorexia Makes Me Furious!

My Twin’s Anorexia Makes Me Furious!

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[ms.peregrine]

John’s right about the lying that comes with anorexia. I had it and it was very bad. Thankfully, I’ve recovered and it honestly just took a moment of clarity to realize what was happening and that I didn’t want to live like that. Many people don’t ever experience that though.

[nadia_s]

We went through the exact same situation 10 years ago... When I saw the title of this video, I couldn't believe it! My identical twin sister had a severe case of anorexia which almost killed her: she got to a point when her body wouldn't take any food, despite her already knowing that she was unwell and she had to eat. At that point, she cried and felt helpless, alone in the reality that she chased, knowing that it was a fatal mistake. She hit the rock bottom (and the therapist later told her that this was the only way for her to turn away from that mentality - reaching a point where she was one step away from death).

Dear Margaret, everything you said was exactly what I experienced; and everything that Dr. John said was exactly how we managed to get out of this nightmare. The key aspects that I believe helped us were: 1) Hugging her and telling her "I love you". 2) Not saying "we will fix you" because we could not. WE couldn't win against her anorexia, we could only love her. 3) Telling her that no matter how many times she failed, we would keep doing everything to get her out of that. That meant looking for a psychotherapist - she probably visited a dozen before she found the one whom she believed.

There are no guarantees.
Even when she decides that it is a problem, there will be no guarantees. It's a hard idea to accept.

What helped me when I was in your shoes, Margaret, was that I would constantly remind myself that I got to keep living. What's happened was not my fault; and my sis was NOT me. I continued living my life and shared with my sister what was happening in my world - as contradictory as it sounds, it helped HER.

The worst can happen, and I am so sorry you are in this situation, but once you come to terms with the idea that this is part of your fate, you will discover another resource to keep walking that path.

Dr. John, thank you for your wise advice (I know you do not read comments - someone please pass it along!). I have no idea how you are able to know everything about everything. Your advice is precious. Hope it helps Margaret and her family.

P.S. - Eventually my sister met a great therapist (whom everybody in our family thought was a j*rk by the way - go figure!), went through treatment, then she met her husband, and they started a family. She has not become "completely healthy" but she won that battle. There are and there will be other mental health struggles, but I feel like we all learned a lot from that crisis, started to love each other more, and learned to trust each other's love.

[arlenefisher]

Someone close to me did get to the end. Paramedics were called. Had CPR and hospitalized. After that had a realization and began to eat. After many years is still skinny, but eats healthy now. Thank God someone was around when paramedics were needed.

[JustinCase]

Damn, this is so sad. A former neighbor of mine that pretended to not have anorexia had a daughter that was cutting. Bless the caller because this is brutal and being a twin. Take care of yourself.

[Kassie]

Thank you for this I dealt with a a pretty serious eating disorder and you are so right. We want / need to know we are loved unconditionally

[Alex.Rivers]

I’m recovered(ing) from severe nearly life ending ED/ been stable for the most part for many years now. I had to find a reason and will to live. At first I lived through the love of/from others and distractions daily until I started finding joy in life again outside of food and lived for myself because I am now grateful to be alive. Doing the motions is half the battle, the rest will follow.
You cant do it alone though…
I had to fight every day for a long time against my mind, much therapy and self help. But it’s so worth it. I hope she invests this time in herself.
Much love to you both.

[meghangantt]

So, so sad. I have been in full anorexia recovery for most of a decade now, and John is absolutely right about what true recovery requires. I do think he was contradicting himself on his advice to the caller though–he suggested telling the sister both that she's not trying to fix her and that she should try to have her involuntarily committed, all in the same breath. Personally I think it'd be ideal if the caller could show up with unconditional love and let another family member be the "bad guy" who calls in all the reinforcements.

[FronteirWolf]

One of my cousins is recovering from anorexia, and when I developed it too, my mum reached out to her for advice. She told my mum to "Just be her mum" not my therapist, not my dietician. Basically do the mum things with me like she would have done if I wasn't ill, listen to me if I want to talk etc. She took that advice onboard.
I'd add on do some fun stuff and make good memories, within the person's limits, which will get more restrictive with time unless she starts to recover. Life doesn't have to be all about the illness, I Know that I made some good memories when I was ill, did some fun stuff, stayed involved with activities etc which helped me in recovery. And even if worse comes to worse and she passes away, you have good memories to look back on.
It has to be worse watching someone go through the illness, than having it yourself. I take my hat off to the people who were with me when I was ill, and who are with other's when they are ill. That's a level of horrible more than I went through.

[catherinenelson]

Very good interview, John:. As twins, there can be a good chance that both could have them the problem for the same reason.

[ashbrook]

I've been in and out of the hospital for anorexia since graduating high school about six years ago. I'm at a healthy weight now but every meal is different and I still have bad days, for sure. Relapsing hard like this is one of my biggest fears. I'm in my last year of nursing school now and I desperately want to be married and be a mom soon, but I'm really worried about how I'll react to the baby weight that you have to gain while pregnant and how I'll tolerate losing it afterwards. I know this was aired over a year ago but I'm praying for your sister and I hope that she's doing okay and she's been able to find the motivation she needs to choose recovery. 🙏

[dianecelento]

John you're Dad is a saint. You must be proud of him.

[weekendnomad]

I see how this is frustrating.. It’s like.. “JUST EAT!!!” But a lot of times there’s an underlying cause like body dysmorphia disorder. They need to treat that first obviously. Maybe give her a medication that makes her hungry

[MabelRD]

I've been struggling with anorexia since 2010 and I'm a fraternal twin too. My sister has always been the overweight twin and that kinda made me feel pressured not to reach her weight and that's how it all started for me. I'm still working things out and a lot better than back then but it's a tough time.

[freedomfan]

Sad sad situation!!! The first girl I ever went out with I found out she was cutting herself and struggled with Bulimia, needless to say when I found out about that it was time to move on. She apparently is doing fine now and even has a few kids.

[JN.S.M]

I've been struggling with anorexia for almost a decade now. It was very interesting to see the other side of this, how others perceive the eating disorder. To me, it's always going to be bizarre why people can't just accept the fact that one would simply want to die and not live anymore. Involuntary treatment, really? I've been in that situation and let me tell you, it's a complete cross of boundaries. Go live the life you deem is so worth living, what's that got to do with me?

[Viemsi]

ADHD is scary too. Don't underestimate it.

[jamesbassett]

Some therapists have described anorexia as a silent reproach. If she is engagaing in unconscious reproach, who would she be reproaching and why? I have seen few cases of anorexia that did not involve an over-controling authority figure, usually a parent or parent figure.

[ericmoore]

My mom has an eating disorder but I don’t know if I should talk to her about it.

[lalacasa_]

What is the saying ? Behavior is what ?

[countrygentleman]

She needs to pick left or right railroad track