Real Lawyer Reacts to LAWYER JOKES // LegalEagle

What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean...funny!

You might be surprised, but I actually love lawyer jokes. Sadly, I think the public estimation of lawyers has actually gone up, which means the prevalence of lawyer joke has gone down. Feels like people really hated lawyers in the 80’s and 90’s but now people just kind of accept them [very Mr. Burns voice: Excellent…]

Anyway, I know you make fun of us because you love us! Here’s my reaction to a collection of lawyer jokes from around the internet and whether they hold a kernel of truth.

BTW, I’ll be at VidCon and EduCon July 8-13! Come say hi...I’ll be the old man wearing a tie.

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★More series on LegalEagle★

I get asked a lot about whether being a practicing attorney is like being a lawyer on TV. I love watching legal movies and courtroom dramas. It's one of the reasons I decided to become a lawyer. But sometimes they make me want to pull my hair out because they are ridiculous.

Today I'm taking a break from representing clients and teaching law students how to kick ass in law school to take on lawyers in the movies and on TV. While all legal movies and shows take dramatic license to make things more interesting (nobody wants to see hundreds of hours of brief writing), many of them have a grain of truth.

This is part of a continuing series of "Lawyer Reaction" videos. Got a legal movie or TV show you'd like me to critique? Let me know in the comments!

All clips used for fair use commentary, criticism, and educational purposes. See Hosseinzadeh v. Klein, 276 F.Supp.3d 34 (S.D.N.Y. 2017); Equals Three, LLC v. Jukin Media, Inc., 139 F. Supp. 3d 1094 (C.D. Cal. 2015).

Typical legal disclaimer from a lawyer (occupational hazard): This is not legal advice, nor can I give you legal advice. Sorry! Everything here is for informational purposes only and not for the purpose of providing legal advice. You should contact your attorney to obtain advice with respect to any particular issue or problem. Nothing here should be construed to form an attorney client relationship. Also, some of the links in this post may be affiliate links, meaning, at no cost to you, I will earn a small commission if you click through and make a purchase. But if you click, it really helps me make more of these videos!

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[gurmukhmongia]

Law Professor: “You’re currently failing your Ethics course”

Me: *slides a $20 across the table* “How about now?”

[Merrsharr]

The one my professor told during the first lecture of the year
The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant: "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?" The patient answers "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

[ephvvonlyway]

My favourite lawyer joke was in “The Bee Movie.” When Barry Bee mentions that his mosquito friend has become a lawyer and the mosquito replies, “ I was already a blood sucking parasite. All I needed was the brief case.” Lol

[discoverybg]

Here in Iowa, State Law requires a lawyer's grave be 10 feet deep instead of the traditional 6. This is because, deep down, lawyers aren't too bad.

[zDesertRatz]

Genie: I shall grant you three wishes
Me: I want a world without lawyers
Genie: done, you have no more wishes
Me: i thought you said I had 3
Genie: sue me

[theoneandonlymichaelmccormick]

My dad’s a lawyer, and he’s got a Far Side comic taped to his wall. It’s of a lawyer explaining his life to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter going: “You know, this would go by a lot quicker if you stopped saying ‘allegedly’ so much”.

[lstsnwfll]

Hahaha, here's one that I liked:

A lawyer went to a pet shop and saw three parrots priced 5k, 10k and 20k respectively. The laywer asked the owner, why is that parrot worth 5k? That parrot can deliver an opening statement that can win the jury without fail. Really? That's a smart parrot! The lawyer exclaimed. What about the other parrot? Why is it worth 10k? He asked further. That one can do everything the first parrot can do, plus it can write a brief that will win any case. Wow! The lawyer said, clearly impressed. What about the last parrot, why is it worth 20k? The owner said: well actually, I've never seen that parrot do anything usefull... But the other two parrots call him senior partner!

[ezrariner]

My favorite lawyer joke is a guy walks into a bar and loudly proclaims "All lawyers are assholes!" A man at the bar stands up and say "Hey! I resent that." The man sneered and asked "What are you a lawyer?" and the man says "No, I'm an asshole!"

[dannyholbert]

As a lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”

[WKRPwpig]

Legal Eagle and Dr. Mike are at a party. Dr. Mike is relieved to see him, because people always want to ask him for medical advice, so he asks Legal Eagle if he should start charging. Legal Eagle says definitely yes.


After the party, Dr. Mike gets a bill from Legal Eagle.

[christiandevey]

"It's the 99% who give us 1% a bad name"
- my uncle (who is a lawyer)

[brendanlannig]

An engineer/lawyer joke I heard back in college: An engineer died and was mistakenly sent to hell. Fairly quickly, he had redesigned the place. Hell cooled down considerably thanks to the air conditioning he built and installed. The escalators and elevators worked just fine. Manual labor was quickly becoming a thing of the past.
God looked down one day and noticed all the changes. He called down to the devil to ask how these improvements came about.
The devil replied, “That engineer you sent me.”
“What engineer? You’re not supposed to have an engineer. Send him back up here!”
The devil’s answer was simple… “No.”
“If you don’t send that engineer back right now, I’m going to be very angry. In fact, I’ll sue you!”
The devil replied, “And . . . where are you going to get a lawyer?”

[PavarottiAardvark]

Did you hear about the Jurisprudence Fetishist?

He got off on a technicality.

[yassenpetrov]

Two law students sit in a café, reach in their bags and pull out sandwiches. A waiter approaches them and says:
"Excuse me, you can't eat your own food here."
"Oh", say the students and switch sandwiches with each other.

[billmankin]

One I would have loved to see your reaction to:
A Surgeon a Physicist and a Lawyer are out on a fishing trip on a deep sea fishing boat. Suddenly, the boat's motor dies, along with, for some unexplained reason, the radio, the radar, and the captain. Sharks start to circle the vessel, and all three are understandably concerned for their survival. The three commence to arguing their predicament, which comes down to:

Lawyer: My client needs me, and if I don't get to court tomorrow morning, he may go to prison for years, or at least need a continuance.
Surgeon: I have a heart transplant tomorrow morning. If i die the patient will probably not survive the surgery, and his wife and four kids will be devastated.
Physicist: I am working on a new development in nuclear fission, which could save the world from global warming, and it will all be lost if I die. And it's cool. Beat that.



The lawyer grudgingly says, "Ok, I get it." and takes off his shirt, dives into the water and swims off to get help. The sharks inexplicably veer away and avoid attacking him. He returns an hour later, on a Coast Guard vessel to save his surprised companions. On the way back, they ask, "Why did the sharks not attack you?" to which the Lawyer responds:

"Professional courtesy."

[minetruly]

A lawyer well known for his ruthlessness had recently lost his right eye. He spent a lot of money to have a new eye crafted for him that was so realistic, it couldn't be distinguished from a real eye.

He was very proud of his eye and challenged a colleague to guess which eye was the fake eye.

The colleague studied them only briefly and announced with great certainty, "The right eye is the fake one."

Astonished, the lawyer asked, "How could you tell?"

The colleague replied, "Because I could see that glimmer of warmth and humanity in the right eye."

[metleon]

A man walks into a bar.
"So where do I take the exam?"

[arcticbanana]

A joke I heard from a friend of mine who is a lawyer:

What do you call somebody who graduated from med school at the bottom of their class? "Doctor."
What do you call somebody who graduated from law school at the bottom of their class? "Your Honor."

[txaggievet]

A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman. “What a joke!” he said. “I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman.” Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

[whitleydobbs]

Me: “I’m not saying a word with out my lawyer present”
Cop: “you are the lawyer.”
Me: “then we’re is my present?”