Why do I want to be hugged & cared for? | Kati Morton

I'm Kati Morton, a licensed therapist making Mental Health videos!
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[Liliana-dhmk]

I can relate... I like to imagine someone hugging me whenever I am sad

[mineola_]

Until I watched this video I never realised I think about this a lot as well. But I do, but it is so confusing, one side of me wants to be loved and cared for so badly, to have someone tell you hey you're great and I like you let me take care of you. But then there is the other side that cannot accept anyone taking care of me, because no one would ever want to do that sincerely so if they are being nice it's because I manipulated the situation and forced them to or they want something from me. Which is incredibly frustrating.

[cameron]

my therapist and I hug after every session. sometimes I don't want a hug bc I'm in a bad mood or bc it was a rough session. but no matter what she always gives me a hug. and even if I don't want it I feel better after.

[keishasmith]

Whenever I cry at night the most I can do I hug my pillow and cry into it 🥺

[cg]

"/fictional character from a tv show"
*after all these years finally someone understands-*

[demianhaki]

From my personal experience, I often feel an indirect impulse towards cuddling when I see a caring relationship dynamic on TV for example, but as soon as I focus on myself again, instead of the screen, I realize that my adult self would feel awkward to be cared for in such a...childlike way. So I guess, as Kati said, there is an old, underlying childlike impulse of wanting to be cared for, but also a mature impulse that wants to be independent and emotionally separated.
In my experience, it can be comforting to not focus on the "real, current" me in the context of care & cuddling, but to sit or lay down, close my eyes, focus on that feeling of wanting-to-be-cared-for, imagine it like a representation of my inner child and then imagine that child to be hugged. Either by a representation of my adult self, in a fatherly way, or by any kind of motherly figure. Sometimes that can be quite comforting, especially since it's a kind of self-provision of care and since it allows me to actually feel that feeling and not store it up.

[TheCutie]

I have definitely seen myself having a problem with this as well. Especially teachers, my therapist, and youth group leaders. I remember one day when my therapist called me "Kiddo" and it just seemed to make my entire week. I am constantly just looking for their warmth and support though out my daily life... especially because I can't get it from my mom.

[bekacynthia]

I feel good to know I’m not the only person to have these feelings. Seeing you guys opening up make me warm up and think we need to be more open and accepting of people’s needs.

[MusicalMeadows]

Hi, Kati... I clicked on this and almost started crying while I watched it. I do this all the time. I mean, my mentor had to sit down with me and tell me that I was getting too attached to her. I have so many professors and teachers that I just want to hug and take care of me. Even thinking back to when I was younger (like 14ish), I can remember fantasizing getting hurt and having someone that I wanted attention from taking care of me. I was that child who wouldn't stop crying in the nursery. When I got into middle school/high school, I stopped going to anyone for help, even my parents. Now, in college, I feel like I'll go to just about anyone who shows me a hint of caring. I crave personal attention so much.

Now I'm 21 and I'm dealing with anxiety and depression and probably an eating disorder (no diagnosis yet but...). I'm so scared that it's not real and I just want "attention", but it's made me realize how often I fantasize being cared for and hugged and stuff. I don't starve myself just so people will notice, but at the same time, I literally fantasize stuff like this all the time. I never thought that it was abnormal.

I've never been abused or neglected or anything. I've never had a traumatic situation happen. I was adopted at birth, so there is that, but... I've been with my parents since I was 5 minutes old so...

Thanks in advance :)

[tomzzx]

I’ve been on my own since I was 18 and I am 22 as I’m writing this comment. Yes I have a nice group of good friends but I so desperately need someone to hug and hold hands with. I met this girl a couple months ago and long story short, it were the nicest and most beautiful two months I have had in years. Unexplainable… I say two months because I broke up with her 10 days ago due to issues that are not necessarily important for the topic at hand but were significant at least from my POV… but here I am yet again, crying my eyes out at 1 am because I got nobody to hug, nobody to tell “Good night” or “I love you” to, nobody to text “I miss you”… And f*** yes, I do miss her, a whole lot. All I want to say I just feel very alone and sad, dark all around and no light to be seen. But YouTube comment section has suffered through much worse so I hope nobody will mind this comment. I realise how pathetic it might seem but there is nobody else I could talk to or say that I miss being loved by someone. I don’t know whether everybody would laugh their ass off or not, probably so because in the short time span I really do have everything a person could want financially, but man would I give up on it all just for one person to truly care for me. To be happy when she sees me. That’s all, I guess.. :( </3

[astrobat]

My mum died when I was 13, my alcoholic father neglected me so I moved out of home when I was 15. Met my boyfriend at 19 and he died when I was 25 from illness. Now at 35, my current partner says he doesn’t want to cuddle me because he “doesn’t feel like it”. I have never actually felt loved, despite giving my all to people who didn’t appreciate or recripocate it. I am so depressed as a result.

[sydney]

My family never hugs each other or anything, we rarely even make eye contact. Until high school, I hated any touch from other people, but upon my freshman year I met a group of older students who would always hug everyone, myself included. They’re a very physically affectionate group, and since meeting that group I love hugs and want hugs all the time. It’s weird, like if I’m scared, all I want is to hold someone’s hand or to be held, but not even 5 years ago if someone even brushed past me I would have a break down! I still am working on eye contact though, but it’s getting better!!

[kaylesandbean]

my inpatient therapist asked permission to hug me when I was freaking out and I said yes and I felt cared for and I was able to release my emotions. I believe and so does !y inpatient and outpatient therapist that I was nurtured as a child as my mother was always working and my father wasn't a part of my life. xxxx

[kresivarivkah]

This is normal and healthy. 🤗I am a massage therapist and understand the significance of touch. Why this is labeled here as unhealthy makes zero sense. Not every human desire experience by someone that experienced trauma is wrong. My goodness!

[alicialambert]

I didn't know that other people felt like this. I thought it was just me. im so scared and idk what to do now. I just feel so lost and ashamed.😔

[kenzieandpip]

This may sound weird but my horse has helped me a lot with my attachment issues and constant need for comfort. Before I got her, I would go to extreme measures to achieve affection and attention, I even caused a long term injury by bailing off a bolting horse when I knew I could have clung on longer and ended up snapping my humerus and clavicle. Then I got my pony, Pippa, and she provided me with something I could safely attach myself to and focus on rather than trying to attach to people who come and go throughout life. After Pippa came along, I stopped getting so attached to people and found that she soothed a lot of my anxiety. My therapist suggested the reason I feel so relaxed on a horse is because of the rocking motion which instinctually feels comforting. She said it's interesting how I have chronic anxiety in the safest situations yet I have absolutely NO fear or anxiety when I'm flying around a jumps course or spinning around barrels. That's why I'm looking in to equine psychotherapy to treat my disorders as the only place I feel at home is with horses. 💙

[elevenbyfive]

omg literally my LIFE. thank you SO much for making this and to whoever had the courage to ask this. I always feel so ashamed of this feeling but it's been like this huge thing in my life and i HATE it. It's the most painful thing and it sounds ridiculous out loud but god, it hurts so SOOO bad to always be longing for this. And what you said about it keeping on getting ripped back open again. Wow. YES!!! EXAXCTLy. omfg I'm so excited for the video on attachment now.

[Zara_Beth]

This is literally me summed up and I didn't realise it until now. I miss my form teacher so much now it's summer she's the one person who has literally saved my life and I can't live without her. I can't wait until September so I can see her everyday at school again :( I am like this towards her

[pinkie]

Totally not crying...
This video explains SO MUCH about me and my behaviours thank you so much for this 😭 I rly thought I was just weird, clingy and crazy. I never realized how much what my mom did and did not do to me could affect me now. I thought, well why would something that happened so long ago still affect me so much, especially if technically my grief is a closed case? Thanks to this video, I will try more to not shame myself or criticize myself around this, and talk about it straightforwardly to my therapist.

[liammurphy]

I don't want a diagnosis, respectfully, I just want a sincere hug sometimes. Just one