What to do if your inner voice is cruel | Ethan Kross

Half our day is spent not living in the moment. Here’s how to change that.

Your inner voice isn't always very nice or helpful. When we turn our attention inward, we tend to focus on problems rather than solutions.

This causes us to worry, ruminate, and catastrophize, which traps us in a negative thought cycle.

The good news is that there is a science-based toolkit that can help you regain control of your inner voice.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

About Ethan Kross:
Ethan Kross is one of the world’s leading experts on controlling the conscious mind. An award-winning professor and bestselling author in the University of Michigan’s top ranked Psychology Department and its Ross School of Business, he studies how the conversations people have with themselves impact their health, performance, decisions and relationships.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Read more of our stories from Big Think+:
Upskilling: The key to success in the new world of work
How to create a learning culture in the workplace
How to build a successful leadership development program

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

About Big Think | Smarter Faster™
► Big Think
The leading source of expert-driven, educational content. With thousands of videos, featuring experts ranging from Bill Clinton to Bill Nye, Big Think helps you get smarter, faster by exploring the big ideas and core skills that define knowledge in the 21st century.
► Big Think+

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Want more Big Think?

[bigthink]

Do you have any advice for managing chatter?

[lineh]

If I ever hear someone speaking to anybody like my inner voice speaks to me, I'll probably call the cops

[realleftover]

"Treat yourself as you treat your best friends" really did the trick for me

[hana-oked]

What finally worked for me was "No one in this world will understand you but you, just as no one can care for you but you. The world is already eager to put you down, which is why it it important to have your back, because at the end of the day all you have is yourself." I spent my whole life in the service of others, always putting people who don't even think of me above myself. Why was I so kind and compassionate towards everyone but myself? I am the only constant thing in my life, and I must value myself because I am all that I have. Since then I've been more at peace with myself, needing less from others and paying more attention to myself.

[JulesVante]

Remember, somehow, that inner voice is still under your control. When the voice says something harmful or rude, then actively tell yourself something good instead, and debunk that previous thought. If you catch yourself thinking about other things, actively introduce a positive thought, and carry on. Engage in activities that naturally creates a positive narrative. Don’t let yourself drag into the dark. You got this, I have full confidence in you!

[emmacavalier]

I used to be mean to myself but i got sick of it. I had a revolt in my mind and i won! I started to stand up for myself against myself. I committed to being kind and loving to myself the best way i could and that started the foundation of truly living an extraordinary life. After a while, the voice disappeared. Anyone can do it and it takes no talent.

[jimalbi]

My inner voice is a real bully, the worst and most relentless I've ever encountered.
Imagine being brutalized your whole life by a bully that has access to each and everyone of your deepest shameful secrets and memories and not being able to shut it off. Imagine how broken you might become with the decades. And I cannot hate anyone for that but myself...

[larryp]

This one really hits hard. It's gotten to the point where I vocalize both negative self-talk and the dialogue with myself struggling to control it. I generally keep it under wraps but my wife and kids sometimes catch it and I try to play it off like it's nothing. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one struggling with this.

[BG_BLF]

Using rituals to manage chatter is a pretty accurate description of how OCD works. Doing things to avoid distress (such as feelings of loss of control) can often have reverse results in the long term because it prevents us from dealing with and managing that distress. The advice of routine and rituals may work for some, but I would say that it's not risk free and can lead to even greater problems. I suggest self-compassion, defusion or exposure (possibly through acceptance) rather than avoidance strategies for dealing with distress caused by chatter.

[victoriahervas]

Here is an exercise I have been practicing lately and I find it extremely helpful: when my inner chatter gets so loud and harsh and it feels as thought this voice is abusing me and harassing me and it won't quiet down, I sit down and I write every single thing it's telling me, bluntly and explicitly. I end up with a list of horrible horrible things about myself like "you are a waste of oxygen". I then try to read it through new eyes, I try to imagine that I didn't just write it, but someone else handed it to me, I try to view it as objectively as possible and I begin writing a new, more optimistic list in response to it. Next to "you are disgusting and unlovable" I write "many people love me and appreciate me, and people have found me attractive, and I myself have felt attractive before." Think back to a time where you felt good about yourself, try to recall compliments you have received by someone you care about. And so on. Do it for every single negative sentence or thought you wrote on the first list. And when you are done with your second list, read it a couple times, let it sink in.

[amelialecapitaine]

From my experience in therapy, I learned that my inner critic was not actually my own voice. It was an accumulation of all the hurtful, negative comments that I was told growing up, especially from my parents and other family members. I internalised comments they made about my appearance, telling me I was weird or dumb when I had an undiagnosed anxiety disorder and depression, telling me I'm selfish when I tried to assert my boundaries or disagreed with their views or lashing out at me if I made a small mistake. Once I became aware of this, I was able to recognise that I was being too hard on myself sometimes. It is alright to make mistakes. It is alright to be different and have a mental health condition (if you've experienced trauma - this includes emotional abuse). It's ok to assert your boundaries and prioritise your wellbeing. I suggest thinking about the things your caregivers, teachers, etc., told you growing up. Maybe that voice your hearing isn't yours. And when you hear this voice, stop and think if you would talk to other people like that. If your friend failed an exam, would you insult them, criticise them or berate them?

[Jennifer-bwku]

Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

[HBDuran]

A few years ago, I gave up negative self-talk for Lent. It was seriously difficult. I still catch my thoughts being downright cruel. I wouldn't call someone fat or stupid, but I call myself that on a regular basis. My rule is to catch myself. If I wouldn't say that to someone else, I can't say it to me. Still working on this. Mindfulness is tough because I feel all the pain in my body and life in general. But it takes practice. Stick with it and be kind to yourself!

[Leo-mrqz]

I tell my daughters, "whatever you tell yourself, yourself believes." This quote will come up when they get frustrated with themselves, or something didn't go their way, and they call themselves "stupid, " or "fat, " or "ugly, " etc.etc I've tried to train them since they were very young to try to say POSITIVE remarks to themselves.
It is a struggle for us all! 🦋

[StridersBored]

I’m glad to know I’m not alone. I have an evil self talk that’s been brutal to change. Over 10 years of intense, indescribable self loathing being dismantled and reshaped into a new, more positive, stable, and loving self image within almost a year now. To everyone going through a similar struggle, a relapse is just a part of the cycle of healing. Keep paddling your arms to stay afloat even when you feel like you’re at the end of your rope. It’s worth it when you can eventually live instead of survive

[dameanvil]

🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation:

00:31 🗣️ Chatter is the negative aspect of our inner voice, leading to rumination and negativity instead of problem-solving.
02:39 🧠 The inner voice can help with focus, planning, self-control, and constructing narratives about our experiences.
03:49 ⚠️ Chatter can have severe physical health effects when it perpetuates stress responses, potentially leading to cardiovascular issues, chronic inflammation, and cancer.
04:18 🛠️ There's a science-based toolkit to regain control of your inner voice, including rituals to create a sense of order and control.
05:53 🎾 Tennis player Rafael Nadal uses rituals to manage the voices in his head during matches. It's an example of how unique combinations of tools can help manage chatter.

[gomey]

Mindfulness has worked well for me. Being aware that you're thinking is the key, because most of the time we aren't aware and the thoughts can feel very real. But they are just thoughts, your mind throwing mud at the wall of your mind to see what sticks. When the thought comes, you can then choose what to do with it. If it's not a productive thought, I just let it go by focusing on something present or performing an action. It's important to train your awareness through a daily awareness meditation practice.

[XXallycatXX]

No one has ever been as mean to me as I have been towards myself.

[af]

I read that one of the ways to manage chatter is to think of yourself as a plant. Like your typical house plant. You give it water and sunlight and hope it grows and stays healthy. When you see dead leaves you don't blame the plant, you just trim it and move on. At the end of the day, all you really care about is if it's healthy or not. Treat your mind like it's a plant. Give it water and sunlight. Don't overthink and ascribe some greater meaning to it, just let it do its thing.

[davidwilton]

Got out of rehab four days ago.
Was shocked that majority of people there had negative self talk. Am blessed that my self talk had always been kind and supportive, realised I hear my mother's kind words in my head.
Best legacy she left me is her kind and supportive nature.
She died two years ago from COVID.