having a feeling instead of making a purchase

the internet made me feel weird about my face but instead of buying makeup to fix it i'm going to stare into the void until the void stares back

if you like anticonsumerism, no buy years, deinfluencing, or beauty culture content, you're in the right place.
blush is a must

[barbarajenner]

I recently had an "appearance euphoria" moment in regards to exactly the aging phenomen you described. It started with buying round glasses, which look good when my hair is down and wavy, but make me look pale and bloated when I'm wearing a beanie that hides my hair. The next step was the zipper of my jacket breaking, which resulted in me getting my mom's grey, formless winter coat.

And suddenly, I looked at myself in the reflection of the tram windows, and saw the woman I loved and admired in my image. My mother and my mother-in-law, my new neighbour that I haven't talked to that much but she FEELS like a mom, like someone that values relationships more than their outwards appearance.

And it felt so warm. Because they are people I would go to if I had a problem, and trust them to help. And suddenly I looked like a younger version of them, and while I don't want to be a mother, I want to be someone that gives others warm feelings, someone they trust and go to when they need help.

I've spent most of my life thinking I want to look pretty to get attention, to be admired, to be seen, and sometimes that's true. But once I saw this warm, capable, trustworthy version of myself, once I recognised all the beauty I see in my mother in myself, I just... got so incredibly happy that that is an option for me, too.

I want to age and look soft and round and less defined. I want to go outside and not worry if other people find me hot, because I am a totally different type of feminine.

Having those fuzzy, warm feelings that are usually reserved for other people be directed at myself was an amazing experience, and I'm incredibly grateful that my role models don't feel the need to hide their signs of aging. Because aging can be such a beautiful thing, even if our culture condemns it. It's a visual marker of me changing, of growing into myself, and I like that my face, my body, my presentation to the outside, reflects that growth.

[pumpkinsmiles]

I bought a lot of clothes for outdoors and camping stuff because I spend most of my time working at home at a job I strongly dislike. My purchase was driven by my fantasy of me getting out of the house and traveling/finding a new job/getting passionate about life. But it's much easier to buy the cute, beach-y hoodie.

[wandguardnoodle]

I find the emotional spending content so interesting because I have the opposite problem. I tend to get so anxious and overthink about spending money that it can take me months to commit to a purchase. I'm also not a big online shopper, especially for things like clothes, etc, because I don't want to risk buying something that may not fit or may look different IRL and I need to try/see it first. I also live in a country where shipping stuff is often either prohibitively expensive or companies just don't ship here at all.

[BrookWentz]

I'm actually in the middle of a low buy/no buy year BECAUSE I found myself emotional spending. I have a bunch of other reasons for this little experiment, but it's been interesting and I feel like it's causing me to have deep conversations with myself.

[jackiemartin]

Your delivery here feels like spoken word poetry!
One of my most recent purchases was a new bra. I bought it online in a late-night fit of despair even though I hate shopping online. At my size sports bras wear out incredibly quickly and are almost never available in any kind of physical store and I'm so uncomfortable in my old ones but I don't know if the new one will be any more comfortable or just a different kind of uncomfortable. So I bought the bra and I swirled around in my feelings of body-hate and the feelings of hating my body-hate.

[isabelnoyer]

Yesterday I bought a ridiculously expensive leatherbound edition of the Atlas of Middle-Earth by Karen Wynn Fonstad, which I can't really afford.

I've been sick over the last 6 days with the flu and I've been just resting, watching the LOTR trilogy on repeat and slow-cooking hearty soups. I've felt so tired and unwell, but also so weirdly relaxed and peaceful. It reminded me of the simpler joys of childhood, when fantasy worlds become our playfield.

I feel like I've somehow had a strange forced little holiday from my own self these few days, and I've bought that book as a way to hold on to that little bubble. I feel like holding and browsing through that particular edition of the Atlas will make my imagination fly, feeling as if I was in Middle-Earth living cosy adventures with some of my favourite characters.

Sure, I do love the book, but I think I made this very irresponsible purchase just to escape reality, and to try capture the feeling of being a child again.

[frankthegoblin]

One thing I've done to attempt to crack down on my impulse spending is to have a list of things I want and list them by how long I've been thinking about them. They have to be specific items so that still requires some amount of digging, and research, and obsession. However, once I put the item on the list, I force myself to wait at least a month before it's ordered. The tactic has let me keep track of my interests and hobbies while also holding myself accountable to avoid impulse spending. There's a calligraphy pen that's been on the list for four months. I still intend on buying it, but it doesn't feel like an impulse anymore. I'm saving it for my graduation. There is a few video games that I am looking forward to buying, and there are some games that I apply this rule to and some I don't. It's not a perfect system, but it's been working great for me.

[caterpilllllar]

I’m nonbinary (afab) and only realised recently that for years I’ve been buying feminine clothes and beauty products not because I’m “reclaiming the femininity I wasn’t allowed to participate in as a kid because I was deemed too ugly and gnc”, but because I’d internalised this shame that I wasn’t good enough or living up to my potential with the body I was ‘given’.

I felt I had to avoid embarrassment and prove that I knew about fashion, wasn’t stupid and ignorant of my ‘fixable’ flaws or my ‘natural’ assets (thanks to social media), and was capable of the effort and skill it takes to achieve conventional beauty and therefore wasn’t lazy or a mess. When I first got independence as a young person I retreated into women’s beauty standards, because regardless of my identity I knew others would judge me through them, and generally it doesn’t feel as safe to disclose and express myself queerly as it does to be closeted. It was also just scary to consider exploring masculinity when I already knew feminine expectations well and they seemed more within my reach. I had this apologetic attitude where I felt like I needed to look like I was at least knowledgeable and trying to others even if I was unsuccessful, to protect myself from harsher judgement and prejudice.

I snapped out of it when I started considering dating again and quickly realised I didn’t feel confident or like myself in the style I had been going for. I wouldn’t even wear or use many things I thought I had bought ‘with intention’, when I was actually just having these feelings.

It also coincided with when I started to rewatch a load of rpdr with my friend and found sudden relief in seeing a lot of queer men’s fashion (out of drag) represented, not to mention people playing in femininity in the way that my inner child actually wanted to! I was reminded that my personality does have a place and I actually have more confidence now to unapologetically show that through my style, not try to hide it, and that's luckily safe enough for me a lot of the time.

Thanks so much for your video and I’m so glad I found your channel through it! You’re also very beautiful, I wanna add, though that's not the important thing of course !

[emmafoley]

For those that appreciate discussion of this specific topic, I recommend Hannah Louise Poston's 'no buy', 'low buy', and changing shopping behavior projects.

My last purchase was actually blush and highlight. An indie brand I like had some limited edition colors that are unique and in formulas I know I love. I have chronic health issues and get out less. I really got into makeup as my health took a turn because it is a creative outlet that doesn't take up space with the finished task. I have knitted too many scarves to keep or give to friends, but I just wash off eye shadow at the end of the day.

But I also like putting on a mask of makeup. It keeps my face private. My deepened dark circles, the anemic pallor, the eczema around my nose: that's my business. When I catch a bus or take a video call, I don't want to be asked if I'm okay. That's a conversation for friends, family, and my pit crew of care providers.

[Penfriendrocks]

I’m new here and I care what you have to say! I’m 42 and a musician and I own a lot of makeup and wear very little of it. This has given me a lot to think about, thank you xx

[annaissodone]

the editing on this video is diabolical (in a good way) those intrusive thoughts are so real!

[ThereIsNoHorseInTheAtlas]

After years of wanting to meditate, but still not feeling interested enough to do that I realized that I can do that always, not only sitting down in a quiet space. Because meditation is observing your feelings and discomfort without engaging with it or disrupting or numbing or distracting myself, without judgment. When I have an itch I observe how I feel when I don’t scratch it. When I feel embarrassed I observe that feeling without pushing it down or opening social media. Now I do it always, it’s a way of existing for me. When something triggers me I let myself feel it and let myself cry and eventually that pain heals and I’m free. Distracting myself from it would make me live with it for so much longer than I would have to.

All my feelings are normal. We all want to feel safe and loved, it’s our core need and every little pain leads to that need being unmet. So love yourself. Create a safe place inside yourself, a home, where you would never judge yourself or someone else for their actions because you know. We just want love. And we all deserve it.

[wanderingoff]

Wow, I really love what you did with that videography/feeling. The thing that came to mind when you said a recent purchase was a book - it was a penguin classic of a bestseller from the 20s written by a woman about a magical holiday to the Italian Riviera (apparently "sparking a craze"). I felt weird about spending money on a book whose author wasn't living and made lots of weird comments about it to my friend about it being by a "lady novelist" and really really enjoyed it. It was also an impulse buy and I'm a grad student and have really limited cashflow and I'm in student debt for the first time and I'm somehow more afraid and less in control of my money now at 29 than I was at 22 when I graduated undergrad and starting working in theatre for minimum wage. I probably wouldn't have bought that book then - I could have gotten it from the library! - and if I had it would have been not only meticulously tracked but would have undoubtedly be a purchase within the $150 or so dollars I had as "spending money" in that time of my life. I haven't quite been able to understand what changed between then and now, in terms of my control over my finances. And really for my control over myself. It feels like as I've gotten more free, I can't do the things I used to do that kept me firmly, confidently in the black (whether that's money, or health, or...). I think this is the point where I sit in silence for several seconds and then cut to reflection on the reflection, but I'll spare you.
Anyway, thanks for making this.

[avitalzehava]

This is a cinematic masterpiece. Thank you.

[akcashmer]

I recently spend double the amount of money on alcohol during a night out because I was afraid of being the party pooper or the one that “killed the vibe” so I kept drinking with everyone else even though I was content after my first drink. The feelings of fear and the looming threat of loneliness were enough to drive this purchase/action. Ugh, freaking sucks

[mollyn]

I recently bought a whole heap of household cleaning products, polishes, and personal hygiene stuff (e.g. soap) because they were the brands my grandparents used to use and I miss them. I also massively stressed out because a brand of shoe polish I used as a kid is no longer sold in my country (even though I still have plenty of the polish left and don't use it that often).
This is all because I've been feeling really out of control and inadequate lately. Because of this I'm being nostalgic about my early childhood where decisions were made for me by people I loved (and I was young and naive enough to trust them completely to make the right choices).

[sheepinaspaceship]

Last year, i caught myself buying so many new skincare products, so i could look younger, even though i do look younger than I am ( I turned 30 a week ago). And I started buying a looot more clothes. But then, my farher died, and all of a sudden... none of that mattered? I mean, i still want to look cute. But I've started prioritising my health, the quality time i spend with others, and finally chipping away at that travel bucket list. So suddenly, looking the youngest i can didnt seem so important. What was the most important was how i was living my life, and not how cute i looked while i was doing it (although granted, that is a big plus 😅). Your video resonated with me on some level, and I really admire how you present your thoughts, almost like a long poem.

[ohladysamantha]

this is too real... i think i try to naturally combat this by being overly deliberative when it comes to purchasing. which is a good thing but also a bad thing when you know you need to get a new mattress but between the deliberation on which one to get and the price of a mattress you've been stalling on getting it for a year!

[tutreeGO]

You are the single most interesting and authentic creator I have had the luck of coming across. Thanks so much for being real

[francescagreetham]

This is the first time I’ve ever seen your content on my feed. Everything you just said absolutely resonated. I am sitting just absorbing how all the points just came together so well.
I’m such a good “consumer” because I’m so easily swayed into this this object will add something to my life. And I get joy out of buying… but when it’s chasing something that’s projecting outwards instead of a hobby I enjoy, who am I buying it for?
Especially makeup - I like what I like but every now and then will research and look at products I know I’ll never use but I imagine they will create some experience I won’t have without it.
And that’s just crazy. But it’s about the feeling rather than the product itself.

Most recent purchase though was a desk chair - one you can sit on cross legged and I do adore it. No Regrets there