Mental Load: Invisible Work And How To Balance The Burden

“Mental load” refers to the mental toll that it takes to constantly keep track of all the moving parts of home life. This concept has been making waves around the internet, because it sheds light on the invisible work that women do to keep their households functioning.

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Hi! We’re Vanessa and Xander! We specialize in helping people stop feel so embarrassed about sex, and start having way more fun in the bedroom. We’ve been affectionately nicknamed “that sex couple” by our followers for our frank discussions of the modern challenges faced by modern couples.

Vanessa is a licensed psychotherapist. She studied human sexuality at Brown University, has written for The New York Times, Allure, and Lifehacker, and has been featured thousands of times by publications like O, The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, Refinery29, New York Magazine, Rolling Stone, Buzzfeed, and many more. And Xander is a regular dude who left a cushy career in Tech once he realized it was more fun to talk about sex with his wife all day.

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[justingriffiths]

I very much appreciate this. I will say honestly, I think there is an added stress when one person (me in both of my marriages that ended in divorce) was living with undiagnosed ADHD, which makes keeping track of things so much more difficult, and it makes it so difficult to keep motivated to do the work when it is not interesting or fulfilling. Even with some treatment it is still very difficult to keep up with everything as I learn to live alone.

[wilsondv]

Justin, I completely agree. I have been living with ADHD for years. I am being treated for it, but things still feel really chaotic. The stress of working on that, working on the marriage, keeping track of things at home (yes, stay-at-home dad, cooking and cleaning are not fun), covid-19, to vaccine or not vaccine, etc. etc. Things gets really out of hand, but hang in there, it will get better. This is a great piece that sheds light on the invisible work that MEN and WOMEN do to keep their households functioning.

[Mrs_BB]

I just want to say thank you both for sharing your insight on this over normalized Additional thank you to the commenters who have mentioned the adult attention deficit disorders as it certainly adds to challenges and makes for more unique compromise.

[samanthaward]

This is exactly the situation I'm facing at present. It's exhausting.

[JunoStClair]

recently learned about the mental load so many (espc women) take on in a household and/or relationship. you guys said concisely exactly what I’ve been thinking for years!
the fact that it’s not a visible thing and mostly internal makes it even more nuanced of a topic
sending this to my mom and dad asap lol

[amywiggins]

Just this week I had a moment where I just snapped internally when I thought of all the 'things' that this time of year brings. And it occurred to me how much I do so now I want to figure out a way to address it in a healthy way with my husband. I was so happy to find this video here as I follow you guys on IG and already feel like I know you! :) Thanks for the help!

[kyeleejohnson]

Ok I love this, BUT what about when your partner agrees to do something, does it, but doesn’t do it “good enough?” My husband takes over dishes… but the baby bottles always have a film left on them and he doesn’t even notice! And if he sweeps or mops he doesn’t get underneath the table or chairs, because he doesn’t notice… but I do! It’s not that he “failed” in his eyes, so there’s not a learning opportunity here. What do you do in this situation?

[DXZVD]

Thank you so much! I have had multiple arguments w my partner about this and this video really helped explain why I was so frustrated. I am so thankful.

[haleyslater]

Please make this into a series!! My husband and I are looking to learn more about this.

[Killthesefears]

I love the question about them doing it wrong…. That’s what happens when people aren’t trained. It’s just like at work. If you don’t show someone who doesn’t know how to do something, then OF COURSE they’re going to fail…

[JuliannaParadis]

Every time I've brought this up with a male partner or roommate I've been screamed at. Not sure how common that is but it's definitely not ok.

[sinny]

My favorite is when I ask for his help with the dishes and he said "I'm not the one who made all these dirty dishes" and when I point out that didn’t stop him from eating the dinner I made, he says he would have cooked something a lot simpler that only dirties up one dish if it were up to him 🙄 he also loves to brag about what a good and creative cook I am tho

[lemongrabloids]

Y

What’s worse is when your partner only seems to notice the work you do when you “slack” or forget something…. It feels like they’re only pointing out your failings.

[RaquelLeao]

Hei. I am going trough this. But is the first time I find a definition for it. Thank you for the great video.

[manaljohnston.r.n.]

That’s why women shroud get paid by THIER partners to do the chores of the man doesn’t want to do the chores or they both do it

[alburton]

Oh man I feel like the woman in my house. Exhaaaausted

[jeupshaw]

I enjoy the mental load. I find it keeps my mind sharp and I like knowing everything that is happening in my home.

[Killthesefears]

I get frustrated because just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean that you need relief from mental load and just because I’m a man doesn’t mean that I don’t know anything about it. I don’t like the feeling I get that says, you need to bow down to your wife because you clearly don’t know anything or you’re clearly not doing enough. I think there’s too much time spent on the focus of women and their inequality and not enough focus on equality. If it was equal, it would be like hey let’s talk about how we are going to take care of everything. I’ve tried this with my significant other only to get anger from her for “not knowing enough about mental load”. What a slap in the face. You try to help and then you get blasted. Any advice?

[Killthesefears]

Why do peoples’ mental problems become their partners’? Probably because they have to deal with them but I don’t believe in encouraging mental illness. If you obsess and over mentalize, then that’s a problem and should not continue. We shouldn’t just be like oh well that’s just the way I am and it’s actually a problem you are responsible for fixing too.