Everything I Got Wrong About Relationships *AS AN AVOIDANT*

0:00 - 1:14 Introduction
1:14 - 4:16 Honesty is not the same thing as transparency
4:16 - 18:19 You have not lost your independence
18:19 - 29:16 Avoiding Your Emotions Is Dumb

WHASSUP?!!
I'm Jade Fox, and welcome to my LGBT Lifestyle and Entertainment channel where I make LOADS of comedic content surrounding pop culture, entertainment, and gay culture. This is a safe space, but you CAN get roasted. Stay awhile!

[magenta]

my avoidant ass was about to avoid this video haha

[WhySoShayD]

Avoidants love honesty until it results in vulnerability. We don’t like to give people anything they can use to hurt ridicule or reject us.

[EmberCrow]

“I was so bold to be secure in my insecurities.” That’s actually very beautiful and very scary to people.

[EmberCrow]

I haven’t dated an avoidant that leaned toward honesty. It seemed like they avoided conflict at all costs.

[vickell]

Abusers will often gaslight a child to believe that the anger/sadness they feel is not valid. This makes them vulnerable to abuse later in life because 1) manipulation has been normalized and 2) children think their emotional system is broken/inaccurate and repress it. When they later try to form adult relationships they are “flying blind”. They can’t tell the difference between healthy/unhealthy communication and ignore the signals their emotions send them if they are being mistreated. Without the tools to tell the difference between a safe/unsafe person, some feel vulnerable and err on the side of caution by maintaining emotional distance as a default, just in case someone turns out to be unsafe. Without processing emotions and understanding your rights to boundaries, it’s impossible to figure out whether someone can be trusted. You stay trapped in a state of mistrust, even if someone is trustworthy. The best thing you can do is repair your trust in your emotions by understanding that the signals were never broken and study what manipulation looks like enough to feel confident that you will know it when you see it

[CheRhys]

Interdependence is the goal. Two whole beings gladly choosing to be in relationship with the other while being able to just BE on our own.

[a.morujo]

i think capitalism and individualism has made us all have this idea that hyper-indepence is good and we've forgotten that humans are social beings so we *inherently* need each other, we need support systems, we need community, we need -found or not- family, and i mean nets of support, not just one person, and that working as teams, doing things for each other, helping, delegating, asking for and doing favors, etc. is beneficial and it doesn't take away our freedom, it gives us more bc we're not tied down by 100% of our responsibilities and decisions and tasks

[RayvenMichelle]

JESUS!! I was NOT ready for this line! "None of asked to be yet we're here. So why are we signing up for things WE DON'T WANT!!!???!!!" 😭

[alf]

im so avoidant that i dont even date. it will be a long journey for me but im hopeful. thanks for your sharing your wisdom, it helps more than you know.

[jivetalk]

my boyfriend recently expressed to me that he feels unloved and like our relationship is one-sided. it's honestly bc im stuck in a cycle of avoidance/fierce independence and i need to accept that, as well as his love and care. you called me tf out and i needed it. thank you so much 😭
& remember yall WHAT KEPT YOU SAFE IN THE FIRE WILL NOT HELP YOU THRIVE IN THE GARDEN

[maijennasis]

“you do not have to be higher than anyone to have a good life” I really love that

[sharshar]

“Put something on that babies head!!” 😂😂😂😂😂

[MJ-oqsm]

“’I’m not a people person, but I’m a “People.” person” -Jade

*introverted sigh* finally someone gets it😌

[amystubby]

Honesty has an agenda. Something to defend, something to prove. Transparency just is.

[slloyd]

.... I'm not necessarily controlling my emotions, but I'm controlling my reactions and people don't know how I feel until I tell them.🤷🏾‍♀️

[tanishathomas]

“I will not be your guinea pig on your road to self reflection” that part is so real so many of use allow our partners and friends to take their stress and baggage and place it on our shoulders.

[nyahsaidso]

jade you freaking pierced something in me when you said “i actually would like to not be independent for a day or two…let someone else think about if i’ve eaten that day” ALRIGHT the way i barked at my phone….i just…trusting that ppl care about me in that way just feels so ickyyyy ughhhh

[bxrosie]

Fellow avoidant here. Often, the hyper-independence gives us a (false) feeling of safety and security since actually being vulnerable feels entirely too risky, much like in childhood when we were the most vulnerable and our parents and/or guardians utterly failed us (thanks, CPTSD!). As kids, we learned to disconnect and dissociate so that the pain of not being seen/heard/loved as we should’ve been wouldn’t hurt as much. It was a great survival strategy then, but a terrible strategy now as adults! 😅 We still involve ourselves with folks b/c we’re still humans aka inherently social animals; that need for social connection then clashes with the deep wounds and conditioning of our pasts and makes for one hell of a balancing act. In my late 30s and I still struggle to be confidently vulnerable w/ people who have proven they love me and it does worry me that one day they’ll be fed up and bounce. I’m working on it though, one day at a time. Thanks so much for your beautiful self-reflection! ❤

[The_pillow_fort]

Love-bombing as an avoidant helped me avoid the terrible reality that i can be a difficult and undesirable partner. It also helped me believe that if i carried the romance all on my own itll prevent the inevitable fate of feeling forced to be there. Im working on it, and ive stopped doing this, but the avoidant tendencies persist.

[danajones]

Basically I realized that my hyper independence was due to the realization early on in life, that I’m really out here by myself. My father and older sister as narcs and I never had any real emotional support or stability in family.. I was the invisible scapegoat. I either didn’t exist or I was the one who was blamed for everything . Now I just keep my world very small and I bounce at the first sign of someone trying to play me. Sadly, I know that even my closest relationships are pretty shallow cause you can’t hurt what you don’t know.