Beware of These Common Manipulation Tactics - Terri Cole

Is there someone in your life who uses guilt to try to get you to do what they want you to do? Or have you ever been on the receiving end of flattery where someone says all these amazing things about you, but then expects something from you?

These are both examples of emotional manipulation tactics. 

In this episode, I'm talking about the most commonly used manipulation tactics to help you recognize them + understand why you might be falling victim to this kind of dysfunctional behavior.

Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.

For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.

[carmenl]

For 6 weeks now, my eyes have been opened about me being the daughter of a narcissistic mother. But I'm noticing something else too: almost all of my female friends are treating me like sheit. I've been collecting mom-think-a-likes. (Anyone else having this problem?)

They are full of faux concern: "Do you feel rejected?", literally 2 minutes after rejecting me (not responding to a birthday invitation, while knowing I'll be all alone that day). No, I don't FEEL rejected; I AM being rejected! No wonder I felt so hopelessly lonely.
But you know what: heck them!

And then, my only true friend invited me to a spaday for my birthday. We are emotionally not on the same level, but she is there for me.
My lesson learned: let go of the garbage and the good stuff will come in.

[drmtokes]

"unearned closeness".... THAT's what explains my "relationship" with my stepmom!

[rubberbiscuit]

Emotional manipulation was and is the main way my family members "communicate." Whoever is the most cruel and depraved dominates the dynamics. For decades, I struggled to understand why I was so unhappy, when I had "no reason". Years of depression, anxiety, loneliness and confusion from the endless manipulation, gaslighting, and straight abuse. Moving away and years of therapy helped me develop boundaries, and I found that first my spouse, then my family and friends, "don't like" me anymore and want me to get in my time machine and go back to being "sweet." I divorced, only to find myself bathing in stigma from being divorced. Smear campaigns are underway. I am one of three people left who stand by me and prefer the version of me who has boundaries. Healing this stuff has been a very rough process, although I prefer healing to continuing in boundaryless victimization. It is important to understand that developing boundaries may render you inoperable within a dysfunctional group. I am looking for my tribe. ☮️

[FeralRanchWife]

Thank you for making these! I’m just starting on my “daughter of a narcissist” journey/healing. You’ve already helped me exponentially 💛 My mom spent 5 days at my house (which can NEVER happen again) and ruined my birthday. 2 days after she left, I feel like I’m recovering from an illness it was so draining & stressful. I call it “narcissist flu”…. what it physically feels like 🤒

[ThePossumone]

We ALL are guilty of trying to manipulate others - so definitely need to watch our own behaviour and keep it direct

[SeaofMadness-lzig]

Terri you have helped me with a few concerns that were on my mind about my ex boyfriend. I was miserable with him and what was wrong with our relationship was difficult to pinpoint. In many areas he was manipulative and played the guilt game with me. He said many things about buying me stuff and buying us stuff and rubbed that in my face when I left him. And..this was the 6th time I left him and I'm so happy I'm never going back. I'm in my middle age and I can't deal with emotional or physical abusers anymore. My choice is to be happy as happiness is a choice 😊

[GenTikki]

I just found you 10 minutes ago and paused this video to go buy your book online. I found you in a short talking about how to respond to totally inappropriate questions. I can’t believe the questions some people ask me. Now I know how to turn the question on the questioner. I’ve never known what to do before. Thank you!

[julieb]

Something happened today. I met this few days ago and there is nothing but red flags. He's telling me how amazing he is and how I should see it, he said if I give him 💯 he will too and that how I should feel etc. Omfg. Are you kidding me? He doesn't even know me. What a psycho. I told him I'm not interested ok? I said I don't believe his stories and that he is NOT gonna tell me HOW I should feel. He called me a retard etc. This is right there a perfect example of someone abusive!! I'm so proud of myself for kicking these type of guys to the curb. I do this because I'm looking for a great guy and I understand that I'll meet a lot of trashy ones but as long as I keep my alertness and focus I'll be able to sort them out.

[Katyayanibetha]

That "positive projection" is what has gotten me in trouble more times than I can count, lol. I've become aware of it and work on not doing that now though. Great video! Very helpful.

[howtosober]

Nothing has helped me become immune to emotional blackmail and manipulation more than healing my attachment style. Thais Gibson and Personal Development School have amaaaazing courses in integrated attachment theory, and her work for healing disorganized and other insecure attachment is unmatched. Boundaries were all-or-nothing with me until I dealt with the underlying attachment trauma. Now I finally feel safe in relationships with people.

[doodlebugscritters]

I am a wife of 22 years and am just starting to discover the codependent that I have been. I suspect from your descriptions that my husband has narcissistic personality disorder. It has been a tumultuous 2 weeks of boundary setting, and I'm praying I have the strength to not give in. Soo so blessed to have found you and your community, I was told to watch your vids by my therapist 💗💕💓 thank you so much for all you do for us Terry!!

[Chris-tgqy]

A common one that I run into at work is “this needs to . . .” The “needs to” is something that I will have to do. The question is why does this “need to” be done by me? Total manipulation.

[Overtonl]

I truly feel like manipulation/gaslighting has followed me into every aspect of my life for at least over a decade. I don’t think people could even begin to understand what this does to a person. I say at least a decade because I wasn’t aware of it until a certain point in my life but thinking back it seems to have always been this way…a pattern. I realize how odd this is but it is what it is unfortunately. Sooner or later every single person I’m around has a change in behavior. It’s become something I just have to work harder to get past even though I don’t have the energy to do it. These things absolutely drain the life out of me. How would I ever explain this without sounding absolutely ridiculous…it truly leaves me having no credibility.

[sociallyundead]

As someone part of Gen Z who had access to the internet and so many stories, I grew up trying to help my mom identify the abuse she grew up with. Thank you so much for making videos like this! It has helped my mom so much to put words to what she's experiencing and what I've been trying to say. You're brilliant.

[kimothy]

Boundary pushing is what makes me angry more than most manipulative tactics.

[bunniewood]

It's really sad when people think compliments are manipulation. I think that's a self esteem thing or someone hurt you that way in the past. There is no way to tell if a complement is genuine or not so I accept all compliments.

[vp]

Unearned closeness!! 😮 that's it! 💯

[spice]

Terri thank you for your warm and informative channel. You’re so smart and classy.

[TheIloveme]

Annette Baird ❤️ I’ve listened to boundary boss about 5 or more times! Thank you for all you do! It’s changing my life for the better in soooo many ways!

[kazt]

Thank you Terri, 😊 I seem to attract men that try and place me into guilt and limit my friendship..