HELP! I'm gay but I don't feel like I fit in...

Welcome to our new series which will run alongside the podcast (Season 2 due date to be announced soon!) where we answer your queries and questions relating to your life, relationships and sexual identity!

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[bhen]

As a gay man turning 50, if I could offer my 20-year old self one piece of advice, it would be this: Stay true to your self, trust your instincts and navigate this life ONLY doing what is comfortable and what you’re ready to do. Ignore peer pressure. NEVER compare yourself to another. Integrity and grace will become increasingly important as you age. Never compromise your word or your worth. And again, your instinct will never betray you.

[rofan]

Sadly I am a gay man who was never into sex really at all unless I had complete trust with the other person. I lead a very lonely life through my teens, 20's and 30's I have no regrets about not wanting sex, not doing drugs and not doing things I never wanted to do just to "fit in" with the cool crowd. I may have been alone, single most of my life but i was true to myself.

[ashp]

I feel the same as Morgan. On one hand, I feel I’m missing out because I don’t sleep around, but on the other hand, I know that I only want to have sex when I’m in a relationship or have a good connection with someone.

[BanffshireProf]

As a gay university prof, I see the pressures students can be under, or feel under, as Morgan has expressed in his letter. Keegan and Joel's advice is good; know your own boundaries and parameters, understand your own values, and how you derive your own sense of self-respect. Sure there are lots of people who 'splurge' at university, but there's also a lot of vocal bravado too; be true to your sense of self as well as to your values and beliefs and you can't go too far wrong.

[chrisfonda-performancenutr]

Loved this episode. Recently have been feeling really uncomfortable within the gay community. I actually feel like I can be more myself around my groups of straight friends. I value authenticity, kindness, compassion, emotional awareness and communication, my experience has been telling me this is everything the "scene" or gay community isn't. I lost myself for a number of years but have more recently come to realise my value and worth and I'm no longer lowering my standards to "fit in". I say be true to who you are and don't lower your standards for anyone.

[joemalick]

I so agree with you guys. FOMO is real, but it often can be false and misleading. Even though it may take a little longer to find someone who shares your values, there ARE people out there like that. Patience is better than compromising who you are. 🙌🙌🙌 Oh, and Joel, I love your shirt! 🥰

[scott]

I came out many years ago, during the seventies, and the line always was "but we're free to do whatever we want now, so go for it", and if you felt differently it meant that you were suffering from internalized homophobia . I tried to date people, but there were people who just wanted to take you to the restroom to do It, etc. I always just walked away from that. I knew that I couldn't enjoy sex with someone unless I knew that they really cared about me. Now I am with a man who took a very different road in his life, but cared for me enough to leave that behind. We waited quite a while before we did anything more than kissing, and now, 44 years later, we are still together, and married. If someone cares about you enough, they will wait until you are both ready, and if they won't wait, then say goodbye. 

Just say no if the time is not right and the right time will come to you.

BTW, you guys are incredible, To be so compassionate, caring and wise is a wonderful thing to see. Thanks guys, for all that you do,

[chrisstapleton]

As a young good looking guy I told the guys I dated I was looking for a relationship. We would go on mulitple dates and when I finally felt comfortable with having sex we would and many times it was really great, but then after, nothing always ghosted. The next time I ran into them they pretended not to know me. It was heartbreaking 💔

[TheTurquoiseAlien]

hey keegan and joel. i’m morgan from the email. thank you so much for this. it’s genuinely lovely that you took the time to respond via a video. after reading the comments, it seems i’m not alone in feeling the way that i do. this has been reassuring, and your advice is really helpful.❤

[sarahtaylor]

Thanks Keegan and Joel for taking out the time to answer that letter. Morgan is young and vulnerable but he knows what he doesn’t like and his letter speaks to so many. This is a great podcast and you’re doing a wonderful job with it.
Thank you for being you guys❤❤❤❤

[candidolopez]

Morgan - This is your decision to make - DO NOT be pressured by your peers or the gay community at large...you will know when it's the right time for you. The right person will respect you for it - I know I would. Good luck my friend.

[TheCosmicTravelsofSkylar]

I feel like I agree with this. I consider myself as more on the asexual spectrum. In the past, when I was younger, I was more sexual but never considered myself overly as I have only had 3 relationships. My husband and I have now been married for 23 years. I love him, but sex is no longer a issue. We show our love in other ways. I think it would be interesting to see what people think of sex in the “Golden” years. Wonderful video! If you ever wanted a pod cast guest I would be interested as well.

[pollyduron]

I compromised when I was I was younger, and it's that compromise that I regret. I am now 51 and refuse to do it any longer. Thank you, guys, for all the videos. I have shared them with my friends who are gay because I feel your content could be helpful to them. I am straight and feel like you have helped me ❤

[bobo-ho]

Take it from a 52-year-old. I was picked on growing up with some people telling me how I was ugly, so I compromised by having unprotected sex when they didn't want to use a condom and as of last May will have had HIV for 27 years. I'm pretty healthy other than needing to lose some weight, but that's more a not wanting to give up unhealthy foods I like. I didn't listen to my inner voice and hear people all the time talk about if I could go back what I would change and yes, I made mistakes, but wouldn't change a thing because everything I went through was a learning experience that makes me who I am and I am comfortable with who I am now. I heard now people are saying if you take HIV meds and have an undetectable viral load you can have unprotected sex and not get HIV, but for me, even on the meds had it drilled in me to always use protection no matter what because safe sex isn't safe, it's safer which means there is a chance of giving something to someone else and I never want to mess up someone else's life for my convenience. No matter the choices you make, you will always be changing your views throughout your life, because things I excepted back in my 20s are now stupid and 20 years from now my views will have changed again. Do what's right for you because you have to live with the consequences of your actions for the rest of your life.

[thomascarneal]

Great advice to Morgan. Loving your Florida family videos....Keegan, it is nice to see how comfortable your kids are around Joel.

[vitrock]

Great advise guys! FOMO can lead many into compromising their values and desires. My advice is to make your deal breakers very clear up front and don't ever allow peer pressure to convince you to act against your better judgment. Happy Pride! ❤🏳️‍🌈❤

[johnceniceros]

You guys hit the nail on the head. Set boundaries and use them as you see fit. Be upfront in a non confrontational way and let the cards fall as they may. Ultimately Morgan, you have to decide where you land in the vast spectrum that is the gay community - because we are quite diverse. Even at my age, I'm still navigating my way around... best of luck man!

[willfb]

Point of View, for Morgan. I'm in my mid sixties and still experience the hot years. Don't rush into what you don't feel comfortable with, experiences stop when you die.

[-STROM-]

Wow i totally see myself in the way that Morgan sees himself. this was very relatable to me & i'm now 33. It's nice to know that i (& others like me) are not so much of an outsider to the gay community than what the majority would have us believe. There's not a damn thing wrong with having decent standards.
You guys got yourself a new subscriber!

[orielwiggins]

Morgan's question is so well worded and relatable. And from my research, it's way more common than most people think. Even those who seem to be pressuring to be more sexually active, it's very often cuz they are following the same cultural expectations, rather than their own authentic intuition. And as you guys said, that self abandonment doesn't serve you in the long run at all, on many levels. (I can confirm from personal experience, the struggle in future relationship issues, the lack of self trust and confidence, the mental and physical health issues, just not worth giving in in the hope of not missing out on something good with someone but moving too fast) And I love the answer too, very well stated and thorough. The reframe at the end was a perfect sum up take away. I'm gonna borrow it.