Why we feel behind in life: from Rory Gilmore to the 'career woman' trope

I've fallen down the "feeling behind in life"/ "lost in life" / "starting over in your 20s or 30s" rabbit hole and I don't like what I see: an increasing number of millennials and gen z feeling like they work as hard as they can and have nothing to show for it.
In this video, I look at some narrative tropes we grew up with (and when I say we I mean mainly women and afab people), in particular at the "smart girl" Rory Gilmore type and the "plucky career woman". If you're anything like me, these stereotypes might have led you to believe that life is one ongoing academic/career ladder that you can endlessly climb until you magically reach a point of happiness and purpose. You might have learned from girls like Rory Gilmore or Andy Sachs in the Devil Wears Prada or Alex Dunphy in Modern Family, that there's a pre-established order of events that your life should unfold around... only to find out that reality is a little more complicated than that.

timestamps:
00:00 - introduction: my life is not exactly what I thought it would be
00:53 - milestone anxiety explained
02:48 - the bit where I overshare
05:39 - why I'm blaming Rory Gilmore for all my problems
06:39 - career girls and their girlboss ways
08:12 - the hero's journey and life as a series of achievements
10:07 - milestone anxiety is present across demographics, I'm just talking about women cause they're my favourite
12:36 - the pressure to have it all figures out before "settling down"
13:24 - how we romanticise our 20s
15:11 - girlbossing? in this economy?

please like and subscribe love youuuuuu

resources

articles and research about feeling behind in life and milestone anxiety

articles about the smart girl trope (and that one The Take video)

article about neuroplasticity

Not Even Emily video about expectations vs. reality of our 20s

series and movies mentioned:
Gilmore Girls
Modern Family
The Devil Wears Prada
Morning Glory
The Ugly Truth
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Lmk in the comments if I forgot anything!

[cate]

Kinda like ‘I’ve been an adult for 5 minutes and I’m already ten years behind.’

[РоманаСінкевич]

As a Ukrainian in my mid 20s I feel like content of the self-help creators doesn't align with my reality at all. "Go to parties" - I can't, I have curfew. "Travel more" - I cannot travel safe in my own country. "Don't compare yourself to others" - i would watch them trying not to make comparisons with people in peaceful countries, while your friend is packing their things because of offencive therefore more chances to be killed. "Your life depends on you" - i cannot even control my sleep schedule because of air raids. And the absolute banger is the idea that 20s is the best years of your life. You wanna tell me that THIS is the best period in my lifetime? I'm afraid to continue to live then
Thank you for your video❤

[pgrzesina]

The milestones come with an implied message that reaching them is entirely within the control of the individual. As with so many things, the importance of luck and circumstances is ignored and instead replaced with a claim that you aren't working hard enough or don't want it enough. It isn't buying lattes that's keeping young people from buying houses and no one can work 20 hours a day. And I'm not single by choice or because I haven't tried, but it just hasn't worked out yet.

[joelleblanc]

I think it is important to remind ourselves that most of these films only portray the experiences of privileged, educated, wealthy, middle-class, straight, white, American women. No wonder people feel they are falling behind in life if thats the comparison.

[kallistoindrani]

I'm 35 now and I've only just barely begun living. This whole idea of 'your 20's are the best' is just toxic. I did feel behind in life but I can't blame myself for that because it was told to me over and over that I was behind in life! People in real life, tv shows and movies, social media, etc.... If I had listened to them I would have a house I can't afford, a husband I don't like and children I don't want.

[catcreme]

The only aspect of my life where I feel behind is my ''career''. Only once I graduated and entered the job market, I realised that I deeply dislike the entire system. Media makes you believe that if you work hard you'll get to work a job you like, but reality is far far from it. I worked a job I liked for a year, got fired and then was convinced that I could get another one in a similar field but the hiring process was soul-crushing. I felt miserable for not being able to have a fulfilling career like all my peers, and had to live with my parents.
It really decimates your self-esteem and you have to be happy to get any job that'll hire you, even if it's ''below'' your education and skills. You feel like you're not living up to the potential you were told you possess, and you need to make peace with it.

[wibo]

I’m feeling so lost because some of those adult milestones don’t apply to me: I don’t want children, I don’t want to get married (the idea of marriage doesn’t convince me), I don’t want to buy a house, I’m not a “girl boss/career woman” and I’m fine with being single.. I have to set my own milestones and that is incredibly hard!

[citlalialvarado]

There is an interview of Guillermo del Toro where he says "The time I've felt worst in my life was at my 20's. I've never felt as lost, fall behind, tired, being such a failure as in my 20's. Felt time had passed me, but at your 20's you have nothing but time"
It's so real, whenever I feel sad or disappointed because I feel stuck I think of that interview and all the things ahead of me I have no idea are coming.






Another example is Taylor Swift's documentary, she says that as she approaches 30 the release of this album is one of her last chances to become successful while society still tolerates her being successful.
The album wasn't big, good not a huge hit. Then came the pandemic and she released Folklore breaking many records, Re recorded her old catalogue and broke records, won Grammy's and now people are in awe at her new tour.
It makes me really emotional, similarly, we have no idea what's ahead of us as long as we don't give up

[SpiritVines]

I’m black, and I never really saw myself in any of these films, my hair floats, it doesn’t fall. It’s not easy to just walk into a room without judgmental eyes immediately picking you apart. Being in spaces like this as a girl like me would just feel uncomfortable I would constantly be reminded by people who don’t like me that they don’t want me there because they believe I don’t belong there. That’s why I never became class president, or prom queen, or went to an Ivy League or did anything of the sort, I would feel isolated and picked apart down to the atom. I’m glad to know I’m not alone in feeling behind though. The whole point in living is that there are so many different ways to do it. I wish we would just abolish the capitalist greed structure and have a better environment where there was no overconsumption exploitation hierarchy to claw our ways to the top of.
Love your video!

[rebeccag]

I initially started out hitting the life milestones (minus kids)- I graduated college, got married at 26, advanced in my career, and we bought a house when I was 28. BUT- this marriage ended up being dysfunctional and abusive, and this career path was unhealthy and absolutely not the right fit. I'm now 37, divorced, on a totally different career path, renting, and definitely behind in all those milestones. But because I'm in a place that feels like a good fit for me and I feel healthy, I feel so much better than I did when I was checking off all the boxes (many people of course hit those milestones in a healthy way, and I'm certainly not trying to invalidate that!)

[justingerald]

I made all of 9, 000 dollars the year I turned 25, which not enough to survive in NYC. And all my college classmates seemed to be on rocket ships.

Eventually, I figured it out. But I didn't come close to self-actualizing until I was seriously more like 35. And it took a ton of work. And a lot of degrees, and therapy, etc. It's going very well now, but I'm almost 40.

20s were a really really stressful and painful time.

-One of your five men

[rissahaven]

I needed to see this. Thank you. I'm nearly 30, and I moved back in with my parents over a year ago, after graduating from a prestigious college then living on my own, like a "real adult", for four years. The pandemic began less than a year after I graduated (by the way, I come from a very low-income family, and never thought I would be able to attend college at all, let alone my college; I was so full of promise and hope during my college years, for the first time in my life), and everything went sharply downhill from there, ending with me needing to move back in with my parents because I was being priced out the area where I had grown up, attended college, and begun to make a life for myself. I don't even have my license, and rely on the local bus system (which is NOT reliable) to get to work every day, because I can't afford a car, car insurance, etc. I have no mobility, and I feel like all of the progress I had made socially (especially sexually) during those precious, fleeting years of independence has been reversed over the course of the last year. I feel like I am simultaneously very old (because, as a woman, my sexual "market value" is decreasing as I age (🙄), and I have never been in a relationship), and very, very young, to the point of being dependent on my parents.

Anyways... this video made me cry, because it's been a while since I have felt so seen. Thank you. ❤

[Maison_Marion]

Rory Gilmore comes from "old money" and nepotism runs through the entire series. That's not relatable for 90% of the people nowadays. We need new and modern milestones for what it means to be an adult instead of graduating, a career, house, marriage etc. Because they're all very hard to obtain. Figuring out your core values could be an "adulting" milestone, and is easier to achieve. It's very helpful to do some questionnaires on the internet, read some books and figure out what you really like and dislike in life. Not many people pay attention to that, even if they hit all the traditional milestones. There's a reason the divorce rate is also high. Marrying in your 20s is not always wise if you don't know yourself at all.

[deardsco]

Thank you for making this video. As an almost 30 year old woman, I'm tired of hearing other people's comments about my life, why I haven't gotten married, have kids, have a car, own a house bla bla bla, as if my life would stop at the age of 30 and there wouldn't be any chance for me to get what I want after 30.

[justwonder]

As a 30 yo daughter of refugees who lives with parents because culture, I've felt behind many times because - well, I am behind in many ways. My only response is the question that kind of came to me before my 30th birthday: so what? If I'm not doing my best to change something, I'm probably not too bothered by it. I still have a job and a family to take care of, so clearly I'm not an absolute failure. Finding comfort in what you've achieved, being grateful for what you have and trying to change what you dislike might be a tired recipe, but it works for me.

[shadowmoon]

I personally think it’s insane to expect people to make all their highest stake life decisions regarding careers, life partners, and families in the very first decade of adulthood. Like, your prefrontal cortex isn’t even finished baking until 25! This kind of expectation is designed to make anyone with any sort of disadvantage feel like shit, because those disadvantages will naturally get in the way of most of these achievements at an early age.

[taliajournee]

This is a great breakdown of the current situation for many in the Gen Z and Millennial groups. I think the economic shifts from the 00s ended up impacting our lives (I'm a millennial) in greater ways than ever to be expected. This is compounded by the older generations not understanding these nuances and projecting that we are 'lazy' and 'need to work harder'. I'm in my late 30s, I'm currently unemployed and live with my parents, this is most definitely not what I thought my life would look like when I was in university in my early 20s. I feel the answer to feeling less behind isn't to compare yourself to others but to LOOK at what other people are doing to live better lives. I've found that consists of doing the unexpected for your age: changing careers, moving country or taking time off to figure things out and most important prioritize your health.

[Anotherusernameistaken]

as a Romanian who just turned 30, I would like to thank you for this video

[taryndancer]

My 20's were ok but things started to get better for me after 30. Maybe because I stopped giving a f*ck and started living my life for me and making decisions that make me happy.

But yes my older Gen X parents had a completely different 20s/30s compared to me. In 1997 my parents were 28 and 30, 3 kids, each had a car and owned a house, all on my dad's income. That simply is impossible these days.

[adreamerontherun]

I always find it baffling that people believe you're the wisest or smartest while you're in your 20s. I started watching old classic movies in 2020 when I just hit 29 and I instantly realized I'd not have the same deep connection with some of these movies had I watched them in my 20s. You can still learn until you're nearing 80!! these trends are very counterproductive in my opinion, seeing people on social media calling 25 year olds as "hags" is so dystopian and scary to be honest!