Extroverted Feeling (Fe) is Selfish

My thoughts on why Extroverted Feeling users are inherently selfish.

Interview with ENFJ: Denzel Mensah

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[mikeylucifer]

Wow! This is exactly my conclusion! I have been in a relationship with an ENFJ and I have to say yes, he was very caring and would avoid conflicts and I felt like he was putting my needs first and he was always showering me with words and expressions that I could not naively believe. By time, I realized that those with Fe Dom are usually just using words to charm people and to avoid conflict and to feel good abotu themselves. In fact, they will always love the way they deem is right but never in the manner that you want. For example; he knows perfectly that I am all for actions rather words and yet when tough times hit I felt so alone because the person would comfort you but won't move from their comfort zone to stand by your side and really help you! yes we as intjs look selfish but when shit hits the fan we picture exactly how that person would feel and we will encourage them to think about themselves first and jump to reality in order to help them solve their problems by that was one of the main reasons that made me walk away from such relationship because I knew that I can never explain this for him! it will hurt him deeply and he will think that I am wrong and misjudging him! Yes Fe is crucial because in relationships harmony should be the goal but not at the expense of Fi!

[artixi]

This is a topic that deserves a larger discussion from the MBTI community as a whole. I enjoy your insight on how we all use a mix of the 8 function stack and how Fe and Fi are two sides of the same coin. From my own observations, chronic people pleasers tend to be high Fi users who often fixate on a few specific projections (often targeted to specific people) they convince are selfless but are just to make the Fi user feel good about themselves. On the flip side, Fe users who have a similar issue lean more broad and less targeted with their pleasing behaviors. But what's odd is the intenal vs external reasoning is reversed. The Fe user may bake a whole class cupcakes for everyone, but they did so because they wanted cupcakes. A Fi user like to draw, but they gift a friend art because they just want to give their friend something. Fi is externally selfish but internally selfless as opposed to Fe which is externally selfless but internally self serving. That's not to say it's always this was (the other six functions can play a major part in how people pleasing manifests) but Fe, generally speaking, is performative.

The example you used of the girlftiend dropping off her collegues sounds rather typical of an ExFJ/ExTP. It's interesting hearing she was an INFJ though since the IxFJs I've seen often have indecision around that type of service since it may interrupt their plans. Anecdotally, the IxFJs I know would only do such a thing if they were the only one being burdened. Unless, if course, they are unhealthy which could be a possible explanation.

As a Fe user, what you mention about Fe knowing someone feels individualistically but not fully processing it is on point. Personally, I dont believe I can understand the raw emotion of betrayal; that word is something I hear a lot from Fi users. I dont have the same sort of feelings map and thus, don't entirely comprehend what that feels like. I view emotions zoomed out and on the scale of the human condition. So while the Fi user is highly subjective in their own emotional understanding, it's difficult for me to process the emotional weight the Fi user has. Logically I can see it, but we don't pull from the same emotional field Fi users do. I would also go against the grain and say Fi users are far more empathic in the emotional sense because they can pull from their own personal feelings to relate. While Fe can do this, it doesnt come as naturally. Fe will always prioritize the group and what balance works best for everyone involved--even if it goes against the Fe users personal beliefs. At least, these are the conclusions I've drawn. That Ti use knows how to convince us we're doing things for "the greater good" and we can get caught up in said logic.

But all and all I would love to see a borader discussion on this as this nuance on Fe is so overlooked many forget how "fake" Fe can be.

[BiblicallyHandle]

As an INFJ, I certainly see your concerns about Extroverted Feeling. We don’t always love our own function stack. I usually use my Fe to blend in and conceal my sensitive little Fi.

[prschuster]

It's natural to feel good about others feeling good. It is it's own reward. We always choose to do what we want, or we wouldn't choose it in the first place. Every decision has a selfish component.

[DeezyRYG]

I appreciate your balance in making sure that you gave a critically important perspective while also being tender and careful not to make it come off as "bashing." Thanks for sharing your experience and your perspective because it does add nuance to the ways in which I, an Fe Dom also operate and understanding how others could receive actions or thoughts of mine.

[mercyamparo]

It's been awhile since I watched you Jon! This is such a good discussion...


It's true if you're an INTJ it feels uncomfortable when people give us gifts (from INFJs other FE users), and when INFJs gift, they are very thoughtful.

When INTJs receive gifts, it feels like were are now obliged to give it back, like we have to pay something back, with the same level of effort and thought. And this obligation arises from the thought that we didn't earn this gift in the first place.

It feels burdening when people think they're doing it for our sake, because they don't. And that's what Fe users need to consider, when you assume you're doing it for other people, you have to know if that's what they really want and need, it's not for you to judge.

[hanskeejose]

So happy you posted! I always look forward to your videos. Wish you'd post more! Thanks Jon!

[ChromaticTempest]

I've boiled down the selves to this: selfish=expectation, selfless=open to an experience. The reason I define it as such is b/c any time I have had expectations, I've had desire, hope, criticism at the ready and in that headspace, there is a lack of honest concern for other parties. There is only the concern for what I wanted, which is selfish. In selfless mode, I'm open to my kind gestures being rejected. I'm open to an experience no matter how it is interpreted or how any party faired out of a situation. In selfless mode, we stop holding to an idealistic state and instead allow for an organic blooming of circumstance. If we are able to strip desire out of it and only allow for life's organic flow can we find altruism. Too many people believe themselves smart. We aren't as smart as we hope. Life throws curveballs left and right to test us and determine if we are ready for the next stage of our development. The next stage is always less ego and more service to the common good.

[auramora]

Thanks for addressing the other side of Fe. This goes for all the functions: there are no inherently better/worse ones.

Your content frequently helps me confront my blind spots. Knowing my defaults allows me to work on balancing them and understanding people who function differently, so thank you!

[BibleBoyX]

Yes, dude! Ive been waiting for another video from you! You've become one of my favorite YouTubers; you explain things so perfectly😂

[sandotter]

I totally understand the need of Jon to justify himself for 5 minutes (about 30% of the video) 🤣 My mom is an ESFJ so I understand this to my core. Fe values collectivism so it tends to overlook the significance of individuals. In my opinion, each function serves to maintain the survival of the individual (their role in the tribe, how they take care of themselves, gathering resources, connecting with people, etc.). Therefore, no one is absolutely selfless or self-righteous, and yes, context matters the most.

[amandapendley]

Agreed -- plus the Fe stare is something to note as well. I can usually tell someone has high Fe by their eye movements and their so-called "stare" in hopes that what they're saying is harmonizing group activity. It's such a double-edged sword of selfish plus selfless.

[Wooptyfregendoo]

Wow! I’m an INFJ😬, and this was really really really eye opening for me. Thank you!

[kokonutonatree-qnxz]

I personally agree, as an Fi user who grew up with Fe, it was really hard to be told to change how I feel just to match the group energy or their expectation of what I should be feeling. It felt like I couldn’t even be myself to the people I am close to. I couldn’t explain why this was so hard before, but I think I understand more from each perspective now and what I can handle. I’m so glad to come across your channel. Thank you :)

[BiblicallyHandle]

Having high Fe is a lot of pressure sometimes because we constantly have an emotional balancing act going on in our heads. I need to be alone to get into Fi and as a result, usually never communicate who I really am to others.

[amandacoelho]

Awesome video, as always!
I always thought Fe to be very selfish even though they claim to be the most selfless of the functions.. All my rant about FJs is that they criticize TJs for being selfish but I care way more about how each person feels than they do. They don’t care about each individual, they’re up to overstepping one’s needs and feelings and values in order to make the “group” to be fine.
Most times I see this approach as being cold and injust other than selfless..

Anyway, I’m definitely not a fan of Fe. 😂

[sindiswafiglan]

Interesting and well rounded look into the topic

[Lordofthefliess]

I’ve noticed in the past with more unhealthy Fe users where they are basically codependent. The pattern is they put your emotional needs first and then later resent you for it.

[daphnecordelier]

As an INFJ this is very relatable but obviously there’s always some nuance, for example, if one person in a group takes offence to a joke I will feel very bad and embarassed even if I'm not the one who made the joke, I would never flat out tell someone that they should "lightened up" or that their feeling are invalid in any way, but I will definitely try to explain why the rest of us found it funny and why the person who told the joke didn't mean anything by it and didn't want to offended anyone. All that in the hope of getting back to a group harmony but also (and actually mostly) because this "disagreement" made me feel bad, so it's still rooted in selfishness, but it also doesn't mean that I don't care about how others are experiencing it (I care and it affects me negatively so I take action if that makes sense)

[himani]

Woww!! The line "Introverted feeling justified through extroverted lens" is so truee.
You have just given me the right words of what i am constantly thinking of when i help people. I am sorry if i say anything wrong in further statements since my knowledge and awareness about these things is really low.
I was constantly monitoring my intentions these days.
I really feel guilty whenever i help people because majority of the times, i know that there is literally no benefit to me by helping some of my friends. But, I helped them .(because i got reminded of times when nobody helped me and i felt bad so i don not want others to suffer same things)
At the end, i knew my friends would think high of me and i felt disgusting that no matter what i do there is always atleast 0.1 % of want for appreciation.
And, I always somehow, find any logical or emotional benefit from helping others, whether it isn't really any benefit. That makes me want to help them more.

I really am confused whether i use Fi or Fe.
But, i know for sure, i have a very bad habit of wanting praise from others .
Maybe, i will improve with time, experience and learning to say no.