Stop Filling In The Gaps For Narcissists

In this clip, The Little Shaman discusses "filling in the gaps" in relationships with narcissistic personalities.

[beth]

They are empty shells. Absolutely NO substance at all.

[casperinsight]

Stop picking up the slack and find someone who can meet you halfway,
Over giving is under receiving, mutual reciprocity is key.

[closingthedivide]

As soon as I stopped filling in the gaps - from the sheer exhaustion of it, the discard phase began.

[steadypace]

Narcissist's are lazy in their relationship's, they expect you to do all of the emotional work for them. One reason their partner tries to fill in the gaps is to protect themselves from having to experience another hurtful or embarrassing situation that the narcissist is in the habit of doing.

[Canaday]

I “filled in the gaps” made excuses, enabled, gave millions second chances and concessions to make sense of and hope that he would finally change .. grow a conscience. Become a decent human being.
the abuse, neglect, cheating, and abandonments never ended. Thankfully
Divorced now from the malignant narcissist alcoholic with mentality of a 5 year old bully .

[ShivaSolentei]

This is what my mind did as a kid growing up with 2 narc parents. Filled in all the blanks, filled them in with empathy, etc. things that the narcissists didn't actual possess. Comes a point when you say, "Wow, you really are textbook narcs, how did I not see it? And why has it taken so long to accept it?...."

[aselyne]

I blame myself, i kept calling and giving when he clearly showed me i was nothing to him. I take full responsibility for my actions.

[orangewater]

I could never wrap head around how my narc ex-boyfriend was incapable of making plans to do ANYTHING. He would literally ask me to come over and we would just sit there at his kitchen table doing nothing, it blew my mind. I had so many conversations with him where I tried to explain that I wanted to go out and do things and I would be met with a blank face. It was like talking to an alien. I told myself he was just "weird or different" and carried on, NEVER AGAIN.

[lauriedavies]

Yep. I've taken the blame with so many doctors to bail my grandma out of recovery centers, etc. Canceled appointment? My fault. Not her refusal to go. Her poor ability to walk with zero medical reason as to why? My fault. I'm not assertive enough when it comes to getting her to exercise. So sorry, Doc.

Then, too, the medical establishment is highly toxic and narcissistic. I got into this mess with doctors saying: "You are doing this for her and that for her" when I didn't think I needed to and at the time I really didn't. She was more self-sufficient than she let on. She has a white coat syndrome that really brings out he inner child & makes her seem super vulnerable & fragile.

That plus my grandma getting the positive reinforcement of "It's her turn now... isn't it? You took care of her. Now, it's her turn."

It's all so F'd up. I'm reeling.

[princessconsuela]

Dang, girl. I always think, “how can she say something new that she hasn’t said before” or “I’ve heard all I really needed to heal, ” and then you go and just knock it out of the park again. THANK YOU!

[annemurphy]

This was awesome! My life coach said "don't assign qualities that aren't there".

[AtomicSonicHalos]

It took me 3mos to figure out HOW to observe without "filling-in the gaps, " but still have laundry & lunches to go to work, not believe or disbelieve, not argue or concede, not continue to overly give. I had to be like Jane Goodall, observing the gorilla.

I began by NOT rationalizing his to myself, then NOT to others.

[heathermixson]

My favorite is how they want "fun and good took me about 28 years of a hellacious martyrdom with this piss poor excuse for a husband **which I should've listened to God [and my dad] before marrying, only to understand their fun and good times meant having me as a scapegoat to obtain victimhood among his type as well to gain mire supply and justification to be the demonic jackass he always has when ALL the puzzles pieces of the multiple "poor me" stories from the beginning started falling together like a domino effect. In one word, they are PATHETIC.

[nryane]

When I discovered that I was “filling in the gaps” for the abusers in my life, and ACCEPTED my role in each failed/failing relationship, it was definitely a SHOCK! My inner critic already had a field day for most of my life, blaming me for everything that was wrong in the relationships. The acceptance of my enabling was the beginning of my changes. That critic tends to be in the background now and less active than in the past. EMDR therapy, recently renewed, is helping me with re-parenting myself, with a much gentler, kinder approach than in my childhood.

Recognizing my role in the relationships, also meant recognizing WHY I played that role. I was a good learner. I learned to protect myself and serve the “OTHER” in my life. As a child, I didn’t know that parents behaved how they behaved, and that I wasn’t to blame for their behaviors. But NOW, as an adult, I know that I can forgive that child, my parents, AND all the abusers.

I am blessed with a long life and many life experiences that have allowed me to “renew” my brain and the thoughts therein.

You, Little Shaman, have brought me many “aha’s”, insights into what is right and good, as well as the opposite, in relationships. Thank you for your wisdom. Blessings! ❤️

[andersdottir]

I’ve learnt by now that if people are an effort to be around, then I don’t want to be around them. I have plenty of people in my life who are easy to be around, so I seek them out and life is as it should be- peaceful.

[miras.]

It would've been a funhouse if it weren't so truly tragic for me. Now, like so many others, I see them crawling from every crevice, like a nightmare I can't shake.

[agent_exodus]

Jesus that’s a good one…
Filling in the gaps.
It’s remarkable how we tend to do that sort of thing, almost on autopilot, before becoming more mindful and aware of it.

So, Touché. And thank you 🕯

[jamnoise]

So so true! As soon as we stop so does the relationship! These people are so spiritually draining. I’m so happy to be free and the peace I have made for my life is amazing!
May The Most High Bless You SISTAR ❤️🙏🏽🥰

[jennywager]

No plans or outings…This went on for years… wow

[marissac]

I never thought of it in these terms, but this is the perfect way of describing it! Filling in the gaps is exactly right.
He's always expected me to make conversation and just be talking all the time while he never said a word. I got sick of doing it so one night out at dinner I decided I was only gonna put in the amount of effort I thought was fair.
I spoke but just not as much as usual.
It was obvious he put in zero effort and I sat in the discomfort and tension and didn't do anything to pick up the slack for him. He stayed quiet, but I could tell he was getting angry. Then at home he unleashed his wrath on me telling me that I don't speak! I said I was trying to show him that I make all the effort alone every time while he sits there like a bump on a log and I was trying to give him a chance to rise to the occasion and put in a teeny bit of effort. It just went right over his head.