The narcissist vs. the shadow self

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[ashwalker]

No one deserves to go through this kind of abuse it’s truly heartbreaking what these people are capable of doing to your mental state / wellbeing
Stay strong beautiful people 🦋

[peterknyk]

Narcissistic abuse is not simply "shadowy", it is

[deanmoulton]

I would encourage everyone to take the challenge to learn about themselves. Grey rock often gives us the opportunity to self evaluate without ruminating. Most negative thoughts were planted when we were young. When we believed that all people were helping us become healthy, humane, humans. Shadow work is very personal and may not be for everyone, but it is nothing to be afraid of.

[brettf]

Good video for deconstructing and disarming enablers.

They are using "the shadow" to rationalize the narcissist's behavior. "We all have faults so we must accept other's faults". Obviously this does not hold true when you take "the shadow" and faults to the extreme. Marital infidelity or physically abusive behavior should not be justified simply because nobody is perfect.

[liudmilaaleagaaguilera]

It is true as you mentioned, they say "well, we both behave badly" when that is clearly not true, and it is another way of manipulation and gaslighting. They use whatever they can against you and blame you for their behavior. We are left feeling guilty, very confused, and helpless. Not until I started watching your videos and having a clear idea of narcissism and its traits, I was hesitant to label people, and could not understand what happened. I would still believe in the good in them and that they could change, when they clearly cannot change after countless chances. So, thank you again for the awareness and educational work you do, it is crucial, valuable and healing. Your videos are my number one therapy, and source of education about toxic people and relationships❤.

[nalinaramasamy]

Extensive rage, passively aggressive and belittling is what narcs do...
As takers of the abuse we go silent, confused and even accept the blame. Swallowed by their shadows...
It takes time to understand the narcs behavior. By the time we understand, our identity is lost.
Dr. Ramani, You have been helping so many of us to gain confidence in managing the narcs.
All our blessings will stay with you..

[mgreen]

Everyone has a shadow; narcissists have an unintegrated shadow as they cannot even consider they would have a dark side.

[LyndieLouWho]

Bottom line: expecting these people to change is like squeezing an orange and expecting apple juice.

[kaymackay]

I first heard the term "shadow self" from my narcissistic husband. He was being very inclusive in his description....that we all have shadow sides to us! I never understood what he was talking about until now. Using psychological terminology to normalize his behavior. Master manipulator strikes again! Thank you Dr. Ramani for sharing!

[claraciardullo]

Getting sucked into accepting "The Shadow" will have you "Shadow Boxing" through your entire life resulting in precious time lost you will never get back.. Time lost, is time lost!!!!

[Syrian.Coffee]

Have you guys ever noticed that narcs are jealous of children and even pets !!

[retrobarbie]

" The longer you stay in that relationship, the more the shadow moves all of its boxes into that relationship."
This resonated with me deeply. I've been married to a narc for 7 years and it seems as more time goes on, he becomes more and more paranoid and angry. I grew up with narcissists. My church was full of narcissists. All the men I've dated have been narcissists. My parents were narcissists. It's so hard to get away from them!

[smyler]

I would assume also that most people willing to talk about their shadow are not narcissists. My guess is that narcissistic people are the ones who would be much more in denial that their shadow exists.
Thank you so much for this and all your work.

[stephanie]

Omg! I literally heard the phrase "We both said things we shouldn't have" from someone that I suspected was a narc. It sounds innocent, but it kind of shifts the blame and sounds like the person is not totally apologizing. Thank you Dr Ramani for your videos and how the underlying theme seems to be "No excuses". I'm tired of hearing excuses for narc abuse from narcs and enablers. Thanks for getting the message out that narc abuse does not get a pass. Thanks.

[samn]

The shadow is the inferior, weak part of the personality (for the most part). If a narcissist is that way all of the time it isn't their weak, underdeveloped aspect (the shadow) it is the go-to aspect of the personality.
Dr. Ramani explained it well as far as I understand the concept. Nice change of pace for the channel.
Narcissists, from their own view, don't have a shadow since it is all projected outwards onto others. They are angels.

[jacobb]

that final point about the shadow moving the boxes into the house was really powerful

[charleneagostinho]

I usually try and explain to my narc that “actions cause reactions “ he still doesn’t get it and probably never will. Thank you Dr. Ramani for helping me see that I AM NOT the crazy one. God bless us all! Please stay safe! ✌️❤️🙏🏻

[tanoki]

Narcissisms is when the ego is out of control/overstimulation with desire, negative energy, trauma or manipulation, and lack of love and nurture. Which is why they need validation and approval from others, when enlighteners do not...they are filled with self love and forgiveness to wrong doers and themselves.

Long exposure to a narcissists, the individual eventually become corrupted/damaged thus cause them to become a narcist. It's like the polarized opposite attributes of spiritual enlightenment.

In a way, it's like Light battling Darkness in this reality. Narcissists Versus Enlighteners.

[dianajane]

You are a blessing, Dr. R. Thank you for providing ballast in navigating among the tempestuous and overpowering, the grown daughter who habitually steamrolls her way across your life and then says, “No, I don’t respect you. Because you let people walk all over you.”

[anon]

Although I used to use
"Prehaps we're both ..." approach instead of telling the narc that they were acting poorly because it made it easier to get them to listen.

If I went in with even "I feel statements" he would twist it into an attack on me. So I learned to use that
"We've both been behaving poorly" type of line so they wouldn't feel blamed.

The other time I ended up using it was when they projected something they were doing onto me. Usually accusing me of shouting whilst they were shouting.