The truth about commitment: the illusion of security

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The ugly truth about commitment is that if you are committed up until the point that you aren't, you were never committed to begin with. And it's this "uncommitted commitment" that is one of the factors primarily responsible for the sorry state of dating today. Even our highest form of commitment -- the institution of marriage -- has become an at-will relationship that can be unilaterally terminated by one party at any time, at no fault of the other, and often to the benefit of the party breaching the agreement. And this is the outcome that occurs more than half of the time. Such a commitment is a liability, as it gives people the illusion of security that is not supported by the reality of the agreement.

Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California.
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#commitment #marriage #relationships

[shankar]

I've gone through most of your videos and it is amazing how soberminded your approach is to these usually abrasive and sensitive topics. Where others would fly off the handle in their analysis into tangents or anecdotes that would undermine the credibility of their advice, you know when to stop short because nothing more needs to be said. It does not need anything else because its truthfulness proves it's own logical indestructibility. Keep up the good work doctor, the silent majority is watching. When these ideas take root, it will happen so quickly and effortlessly we won't even notice how much our life has improved because of it.

[goa]

Commitment in relationships today just means not sleeping with others while together

[brady]

Well said. I cannot tell you how relieved I am that you didn’t turn this into a “you should be more committed” talk. You simply look directly at the truth. What we are calling commitment is not commitment. Let’s not masquerade our feigned virtuousness.

[nilighosh]

Thank you. Commitment is necessary for each partner to have a sense of security. Feeling secure in a relationship fosters love, faith and loyalty. It gives courage to both partners to dream and plan things together for the foreseeable future. Every relationship is unique, so focussing on the things that matter to both the individuals is important.

[seancooper]

You have accurately described the current reality of commitment.

Too many of us learned this the hard way by having partners who under contributed, violated the marriage, unilaterally initiated divorce, and were rewarded by the state.

It's unfortunate, because it undermines the future, not just for those directly involved, but for the next generation who learns that, rather than support healthy boundaries and/or reparations for harm, the state rewards harmful behavior and defacto punishes commitment and sacrifice for others.

[modickens]

In regards to marriage, mutual commitment is almost impossible when a scenario exists that incentivizes one partner to break it and another to stay due to potential financial loss/gain. It starts off immediately as an imbalance of power in the eyes of the court. Thus the reason its avoided by most sane people with more to lose than the other. If divorce wasn't an option or punishable by prison time, youd see even less of " commitment "

[frau_ic]

I wasn't really looking for a marital contractor, but I longed for a real, partnered friend.

[dattrax]

Agreed. I was in a 24yrs relationship with 19 of them married. I didn't get a choice when separating. That's not a commitment.

[mobilemcsmarty]

it's a top life lecture here. I think death has the final word as to whether there was commitment or not between people. until then, consider everything ..and everyone, negotiable. like B. Arnold, 99% loyal is still 100% traitor. I agree that the only real commitment you can make is to yourself. optionally, pick your favorite deity to help you. Crom is my favorite ⚔😎

[fxtrdr]

As Louis CK once said about marriage: now I'm married and I can't leave. I didn't want to leave but now I realize I really can't go. Then you have a child and think "wow, I could've left" 😂
Having kids is a commitment

[andrewflorkowski]

The way you think
The way you express your thoughts.
Love it.
Why have you not got 36 million views 🤔
Stay strong never stop..
Truth ! priceless !
X

[JUPITER]

I just posted a comment on "How to Love Without Attachment" that was a paraphrasal of this video. As soon as I heard "a promise with yourself", I burst into tears. It was a wonderful affirmation that I'm not crazy. I am on the right path. The light of wisdom projecting through this video brought me to tears. Thank you so much for this. 🙏

[Leah-hexs]

Well stated! This is something I have wrestled with. My parents have been together since high school. Therefore, I have developed an unrealistic view of this.

[thanawatchonviriya]

Thanks, Doc. You remind me of something that’s very important.

[DragonNo]

Instead of commitment written or expressed verbally, I prefer the concept of "emotional investment" in the relationship. I think it is easier to detect in oneself and the other on a daily basis. I expect this investment to vary with time, but also you can establish a baseline by which you know whether to keep it or drop it, or to detect the level of engagement of your spouse, girlfriend or partner. Then, as part of this process, see if it's possible to save it, make it better or terminate it. That way, no one owes nothing to anyone. That is, being honest to oneself pays dividends whether the relationship moves on or not.

[idlehourlinda]

Omgoodness Dr O, this is the best description of commitment EVER! Couldn't come at a better time for me, as I just began 75 Hard last Saturday. It was a deep commitment I made with myself, and nothing will deter me from completing it. I feel like this message was just for me to spur me on ; thank you!

[SonicboominOnEm]

Man your content is underrated! I’m glad I found your channel. Well said and put together.

[phatphil]

Even in the "committed" relationships where the couples don't divorce, there's a very high degree of infidelity. When I was in my 20s, I was young and handsome and slept with a lot of married women. Now that I'm in my late 40s and bald, I know I'd be on the other end of that if I were in a marriage myself, with my wife sleeping with the young, handsome men, basically using me for her financial security and them for sexual gratification.

[brady]

I’m with my wife because I enjoy her company and I would not want her to stay because of a commitment. It’s like a really good product that has no contract. You stay because you like it, not because you have to. I prefer my relationships this way.

[uanip]

You’re 💯 correct on this one as with every other video. You’re the best 🤗 🤗