Gay Interracial Dating: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Gay Dating as a black man is already heard enough; but let's chat about the dynamics of dating outside of your race. At the end of day love is love; but there are certain nuances they you should consider when opening up your dating pool. This video will discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly of dating interracially in the minority gay community.

[Remy]

I'm a filipino and dating a Haitian black man. He's tall and burly and most importantly a beautiful soul. ❤❤❤❤❤

[charlesmathenge]

Loved watching this vídeo. I am a black African man, with a preference to black men but I can date outside my race. I dated a white russian guy for three years and we are still good friends till now..we both learnt lots from each other and learnt to understand and reapect each other's cultural and racial differences.I think its okay to date outside our race. It would be nice to see more black-asian gay relationships.😊

[williebracey]

I love this conversation. Like you said there are good, bad, and ugly things when it comes to interracial dating. I thinks it’s key for anyone who wants to date interracially would be to learn how to take off the blinders and listen. Really listen to one another. I’m in an interracial relationship myself and I’ve had to educate my partner so much. If he wasn’t willing to listen and understand we would not still be together. Anyone who wants to date interracially needs to have an open mind and be able to check their biases. They also need to work on their empathy and emotional intelligence. The world is more than one perspective or world view. So many young people jump into interracial relationships because they have been brainwashed by the media or just want to “try”it out. Not knowing the potential minefield they are exposing themselves to. Some families get hostile when their sons and daughters date out. It’s not all butterflies and rainbows. And that can really take a toll on your mental and physical health. Have those conversations early and often. If your partner won’t do that, then you know they are not there for you. That’s Respect 101. Keep the content coming!

[dekeireacts]

Thank-you for touching on all sides of gay interracial dating…it needs to be had 👏🏾🙌🏾!

[gdeec]

We cannot truly define WHO we should date. It is a choice, just like marriage, choosing a hair colour, or a dog or a job. We either like someone or something or we do not.

[IAmPhoenixXxXx]

This was very informative!!! I needed this! I took some notes and I feel ready if I end up dating outside of my race. Thank you for this 🤌🏽🫡 but the most important take-away for me is to STAY TRUE TO YOUR ROOTS ✨🙏🏽

[gustavoritter]

As someone who is currently in an interracial relationship with a black guy I can say that indeed there is some tough spots, but not because of the differences themselves, but because of the insecurities that come from those differences. For example, my boyfriend was really reluctant at first to come meet my family at a big family gathering and that led to our first argument because I was a bit angry at first that he was afraid of some "racist backlash" or something like that, implying in anyway that my family is racist. The different socioconomic conditions also seem to bother him at times and even some innocent comments by my dad can often cause him to think it was somehow directed at him. But anyway, I think that at the end of the day, love is the most important, that's what really bridges the differences.

[yozminemodeste]

I love the buckets! Very well rounded perspectives!! Keep it up JayTheo 💪🏽❤️

[aceautonewportky]

Love is chemistry and two people who work well together. Your points are a great topic.

[davidwoodford]

Very important points. Thanks for sharing.

[melancholyofmanny]

I was just binging your videos thanks for another, this topic was just on my mind

[Mr.Know-It-All-Day]

Your positive reasons for interacial dating is exactly why i decided to give it a try .White men definitely are more open minded when it comes to sex and are very comfortable in their own skin in general which is what drew me towards them

[francoisbessing]

Love this video. Thank you for beng open.

[JoseReyes-ovtu]

You did a great job! One of the few honest and non-racist discussions about race and dating. I appreciate your perspective. I am a latino married to an Asian person, but I dated latinos and white guys before and I can agree with pretty much everything. :)

I think one thing to note is that the financial power imbalance in relationships is not unique to inter-racial dating. I faced it when dating other latinos. I think it is just that race brings in itself another angle.

As someone who dated white guys, one thing you left out is what comedian Roy Wood jr has termed the racial blind-spot. I think this is the death of many inter-racial relationships. Have you had such issues? I definitely did, which is why I think I ended up dating a person who was also a minority. He and I belong to different cultures but we both know what it is like to be a minority and I think it allows us to have some shared experiences and understanding. I am very sure there is white men out there who don't have a racial blindspot, but like Roy Wood jr. I was not able to find them. I can't put it into words as well as he did, but basically it is this idea that when you belong to the privilege class (white and male), it is hard to understand the living experience of someone who is not white and male. It is not so much the othering of the minority (what racist people do) as it is ignoring the fact that race is always there. Does that make sense? :)

You gain a subscriber. Thanks! :)

[chriswhiteauditions]

Awesome - I love how you covered multiple elements of this topic in a succinct way. Thank you for touching on the financial /power dynamic, as well as The Uglies. It is vital to discuss The Uglies!! I feel like those topics are often overlooked. I worked in Hong Kong for a while and had three significant experiences with interracial dating. For fuller context, at the time I was still in the closet, so that limited the possibility of having a fully healthy relationship (I ended up coming out a year after returning to the US). But those Hong Kong experiences still taught some helpful lessons about discerning people's intentions in interracial relationships. Brace yourself, cuz this is about to be the length of a Ted Talk.

First Guy was a party circuit gay who was Asian and about 7 years younger than me. Fetishism and the desire for having a perceived higher status were his motivations for dating me. Because I felt lonely in Hong Kong, and he showed me consistent attention as I settled in, I was initially willing to ignore his motivations and give him a chance. During conversation I could tell that at outside of his sexuality, First Guy didn't really know or accept his core self. While he was never overtly racist or practiced micro-aggressions around/toward me, it became more clear that he just wanted to be seen with a black man and have an all-access pass to the BBC Buffet (which was never opened to him anyway). Once I realized that I deserved more, I ended that relationship quickly. 

Second Guy was also Asian, 5 years younger than me, and had more money than me (not "Crazy Rich Asians" level, but he was definitely more affluent than I was). Before me, he had never been friends with a black man, let alone dated one. He was grounded, kind, focused, and sophisticated. And CUTE. 😍We always had lovely dates, and our dynamic had equal doses of mental, emotional, and romantic stimulation. Still, after my experience with First Guy, a tiny part of me wondered if fetishism was part of why Second Guy dated me. While it may have fueled part of his initial interest (we first met in a gay bar), I realized it definitely wasn't his fuel for the relationship. Both of us were creative professionals, so aside from us sharing common interests and perspectives, I think the fact that I understood his drive and encouraged him in his work made him feel valued in a way that the local Asian gays couldn't value him. Because Hong Kong is a major financial and corporate hub, creative careers are generally overlooked and unappreciated by most of the locals. Second Guy's actions always left me feeling appreciated and seen; he operated with a genuine respect of my entire identity. I'm not sure if he fully grasped my perspective as a black man, but he was always willing to at least listen to it. On one of our dates, a local woman was being racist towards me and disrespectful towards both of us; she did all that in Chinese, and Second Guy clapped back at her with a quickness in Chinese. Second Guy invited me to spend time with his gay and straight friends (who were also his age and Asian), and they always made me feel welcome and included in their circle. Now this is where Speculation enters the picture. Although we never discussed it, I sensed that Second Guy was either closeted with his family (like I was), or they just ignored his sexuality. I wondered if he would ever tell them that he was dating a black American man, and how that might impact our relationship and his relationship with his family. If it turned out Second Guy was hiding me from his family, I still would have dated him. From what I gathered, even before I entered the picture it seemed he was living the most "out and proud" version of his life that his circumstances allowed. So in that very specific case, the family issue wouldn't have been a dealbreaker for me (but for all I know, it could have been a dealbreaker for him). In the end, Second Guy and I broke up because his career was his first priority, and I was unable to clearly communicate what I needed in a relationship. It feels delightfully odd to say this, but for most of our dating experience it didn't feel like we were a black man and an Asian man. It just felt like we were Chris and Second Guy (I remember his real name, but don't want to use it online).

Third Guy was a corporate white guy who was 14 years older than me. He was Australian, adventurous, witty, fun, owned his sexuality, and free-spirited (and he could kiss🥰). He had lived and worked across the Global South. As a white man abroad, that gave him plenty of experience being "an other", and it showed him how systemic racism impacted the daily lives of black and brown people in multiple countries. Similar to Second Guy, I always felt safe with Third Guy - I could just be me, and we could chill as equals getting to know each other. Without crossing over into white savior territory or trying to exert inappropriate power dynamics, Third Guy encouraged me to accept myself more. Unfortunately, I didn't meet him until right before I returned to the States, so our time together was relatively short and we eventually lost touch.

Now that I'm older, out, more trusting of my instincts, and more aware of my needs, I prefer to be with another black man. In the final analysis, I know that interracial love can thrive, but I feel like no one understands me better than my own race. Another black man (who is in a similar place in his life and awareness as I am) feels more safe and comfortable to me. Since my time in Hong Kong, I've dated and hooked up with black, Latinx, Pacific Islander, white and biracial men (one was white-presenting and two presented as black). My race was never an issue with any of the POC or biracial men that I dated. Third Guy in Hong Kong remains the only white man to fully treat me as an equal human being without ulterior motives or an undercurrent of weird vibes. At this point I feel like the only way I'd seriously date another white man would be if he was not an American. However, if I were to somehow become interested in dating a white American man, my radar for unbalanced power dynamics would always stay on. And early in the relationship it would be necessary to have candid conversations about race, family, needs and expectations in order to assess his awareness and use of white privilege, and to gauge how safe and wise it would be for me to foster a romantic relationship with him.

Thank you for this great video, Jay. You really got me thinking today!

[isaacfitzpatrick]

Good video I'm glad to see you sometimes you disappear I'm glad to see you back

[crecasens]

I date in and outside of my race regularly… Black, Asian, Latin, Arab, etc., but never with a white person… so this is very interesting 🧐 as I hear the bad and ugly buckets 🪣 when the interracial conversation is focused on a white partner. I think I’ve had mostly positive experiences as compared to what it might have been like dating white men. I’ll specifically say White American because I’ve lived in Europe as well and still managed to date non-white men though lol.

[yeahthatguy]

I think dating outside your race is a personal decision. I don’t see anything wrong with it one way or the other. However, I do have an issue when you only date outside your race because that shows a lot of self hatred. I think if you date white men because of the associate economical status, that’s disgusting because that shows that you don’t understand the history of the black race and why we are behind in that category. Again if it’s for love go for it, if it’s for money that’s disgusting. If you want a greater socioeconomic status, get it your damn self don’t use somebody else for theirs.

I’m currently in a biracial relationship and it is wonderful. We both put in the effort to learn more about each others culture. We both learned to see things from totally different perspectives. And it’s been very positive in a worldly experience, especially when traveling. The biggest challenge is when the family speaks a different language and you feel left out of the conversation.

I think you did a fantastic job with this subject. Thank you very much for enlightening all of us.

[deeonOchunIbuYChola]

I had a relationship with a white guy once and he got drunk and held me captive when I was trying to leave the situation. I had to fight my way out, he called the police and they called my phone to tell me to come back and they arrested me. A couple years later he was on the news because he did again to this poor guy that had a record.... it traumatized me

[moitaliaferro]

Please Note" there's only one Race, the Human Race! ✌🏽