Do you feel 'Queer Enough'? Queer Imposter Syndrome

We've had a lot of discussions at our queer retreats about "queer imposter syndrome" - not feeling queer enough, not feeling like you belong to queer spaces.
What causes these feelings, when you know you ARE queer and DO belong to these spaces? And how can you overcome it?
We discuss these aspects here and would love to hear YOUR experiences as well.

Love,

A + L

[AlexisLilian]

Hi friends - would love to get your thoughts on this one! Is queer imposter syndrome something you've struggled with? How do you deal with it and where do you think those feelings come from?

[wiebke]

Maybe feeling "not queer enough" is rooted in heterosexual overculture in us. We still feel to be queer is to be not-normal, so if i feel normal i cannot be queer. Maybe?

[Calbizzle]

I came from a lgbt club night where people said I was straight or their “gaydar” didn't go off. I even came out to someone & heard snickers saying “She's not gay 😂”. All because I had long hair, wore makeup, wore a dress & wore heels.
It's nobody’s business but I have always been attracted to women, way more than men. I love femininity, hence why I am the way I am. It's so frustrating when people invalidate fems as if how you look determines who you are inside. Then my date, who is also fem came. We kissed & people said it was “too much.” you literally can't win!

[ellouisebadger]

Nobody has said to me "yeah you grew up straight so you can't be a lesbian" but being a late bloomer who thought I was straight definitely I relate to this 😢

[MsAaannaaa]

I can relate and my main issues with not feeling queer enough are related to other people's biphobia. :(

[arwynanne]

I relate so much to this and honestly it's such a relief to hear other queer people also have these doubts.

[Birodalom]

My younger sister was a man-eater until she fell in love with her best friend, who also liked boys, but eventually she fell in love with my sister. They have lived together for years, happy in a monogamous relationship. But, although they have lived in several accepting European countries since then, they have not been able to integrate into the local lesbian community because of the "not queer enough" view. In practice, they are seen as LGBTQ tourists after it is revealed that they "come from the straight side". In my own queer community, there are several asexual people, as well as people who have never had sex with a person of the same sex. Are they "queer enough" but two women in love with each other and having an active sex life are not?

[HermelJaworski]

Hi ! Pansexual nonbinary here, for a long time I thought I was a cis hetero man, before realizing my queerness in my late 20s. I felt like I had so much of cisgender and hetero privileges, that I could not belong to the queer community. As a late bloomer, I did not suffer too much from LGBTphobia at school or in my family, and now I am an independent adult person, white, and with a masculine passing, therefore I suffer less from discrimination than other queer folks. Coming to terms with the queer imposter syndrome was kinda difficult, but now I have found wonderful people around me who really make me feel part of the community and I am proudly queer !

[steevoridgeline]

You guys are so beautiful today ! my imposter syndrome resides in the 60-40 ratio Woman-Man i'm attracted to. Though, romantically now at 49, i accept myself enough to honour the 40%. Time for change, time to be me. The nice thing about being bi is how fluent we can be romantically, like speaking two languages without difficulties.

[silverlining]

❤ thanks for talking about being bisexual. I've felt so confused as attracted to men but emotionally attracted to women. I've rejoined a dating app and don't find many women attractive anymore, perhaps as I'm older now.
I work with someone who I'm attracted to her personality but not physically. Hopefully there is someone out there for me. Love you both x

[Christophertracy]

I think the reason people would question your being bi is because it’s so much easier for us queer women to be with men. That’s why I’ve been with men more than women in my life, because that’s whose chased me my entire life, even though I didn’t really care for them back. I think they’re subjectively handsome, but don’t feel sexual attraction towards them and have never enjoyed the sex. But I’ve been with them because it’s easier as they are the pursuers and I don’t like doing the pursuing. Dating women is more difficult because we have to go out of our way to find queer women who are attracted to us and us attracted to them. So saying you are attracted to men yet never being with a man is rare, I would say. Especially if men have always found you attractive, which has always been my case. Not saying judging your feelings is okay, just saying it is unique as it is much easier to be with men.

[vivienramani]

Such an important topic! ❤️ I used to feel that often because i have mostly been with men throughout my life, but always had an amazing circle of queer friends and identify myself as queer. Realizing that its a big spectrum and all experiences are valuable and precious can bring us only closer together. ❤️

[katepollock]

I really appreciate the way you both talk about these ideas. The language that you use isn’t decisive or certain, but curious, open and focusing on individual experiences. Divisive and certain language about gender, sexuality and identity makes me retreat.

I look forward to hearing your take on Compulsory heterosexuality!

[jennifers]

I don’t think there is a line you have to cross to be “queer enough”. There is no ranking system. People have different experiences and life paths. If you feel queer, then you are queer. Others don’t get to judge you on your life and your feelings. 🌈

[jenvieira]

I definitely experience queer imposter syndrome. I am a late bloomer & married to a man. We have an open relationship, so I am able to pursue relationships with women (and men). I have found that romantic & sexual experiences with women have really helped me work through these feelings. It's not fully resolved, but I am feeling more confident in my sexuality.

[picklepuff]

my entire 20s i have had a severe case of comphet "syndrome" before i realized im just a lesbian, the whole time i thought i was bi / pan but i never sought relationships with men! instead i told everyone "oh yeah im attracted to them" but now i understand types of attraction, and aesthetic attraction is what i feel towards them and sometimes gender envy, cause i just im obsessed with beautiful and bulky guys.

[GSlice]

I feel not queer cause i am seemingly masc tall black man, currently in a seemingly hetrosexual relationship. I believe people's stereotypes, whether straight or queer, are the only reality they can see. i agree that things will hopefully change with more diverse represntation.

[sourabh]

I can see Lord Ganesha on the background wall. Happy to see you guys follow some of Indian cultural traditions. 🇮🇳🏳️‍🌈

[shootfordstars]

Fantastic video! However you identify within the LGBTQ community, I believe heteronormative views are very much engrained in our societal structures, sadly. Even in queer spaces. Fighting for the right to just be yourself is a constant. There is so much to unpack being gay. We have come a long way, but it is exhausting always having to prove your queerness, even within the LGBTQ+ community - and especially for bi folks. For a community that is meant to be inclusive there is so much bi and trans phobia out there. The LGBTQ community is wonderful, but as a whole I believe we all have so much growing to do! I think we all need to be a little kinder to each other, the world is hard enough as it is. Such a great video - love you guys. :)🤎🖤💚

[jodanna]

wow you opened up a real pandora's box for me (excuse the pun). I'm a "late - blooming queer" and QIS is really a big one for me. I came out in the early 90's when I was 40 years old, had 2 years with exclusively women, ID'd as lesbian at that point, then dabbled around with men again for awhile because the women I was with were very abusive and dysfunctional and I couldn't handle it. But when I went back with men, I did not feel "unqueer" I still knew I was a lez, but then I re-identified as bisexual. After another 14 years of seeing men very occasionally (mostly solo), I went celibate and I have been ever since. So then I started wondering if I was gray sexual or pan sexual. I'm definitely queer-sexual but maybe it's Queer Imposter Syndrome that has put the kabash on me even trying to go back to women (or anyone) because I don't know where I belong and I do feel like an imposter if i seek out women. I like your saphhic circles as a place where you can explore that question. Wish it wasn't all the way over in Europe, although I love traveling there (I'm a Californian). Wish I could talk about this somewhere safe. I do think other people know I'm queer more than I do, however. I guess I radiate it