The problem with self-respect: most hills are not worth dying on

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People often consider self-respect to be a unilateral positive that has no downside. However, this isn't true. The problem with self-respect is that it is costly. Using Linehan's model of interpersonal effectiveness, I explain why standing up for yourself can often lead to sub-optimal outcomes. This goal should only be prioritized sparingly to ensure objective effectiveness and harmonious relationships.

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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.

#psychology #relationship #success

[psychacks]

Buy my book, "The Value of Others"

People often consider self-respect to be a unilateral positive that has no downside. However, this isn't true. The problem with self-respect is that it is costly. Using Linehan's model of interpersonal effectiveness, I explain why standing up for yourself can often lead to sub-optimal outcomes. This goal should only be prioritized sparingly to ensure objective effectiveness and harmonious relationships.


Book a paid consultation:


Social Media




Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community:

Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com

Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.

#psychology #relationship #success

[PaulClipMaster]

Anyone who has worked in sales has a huge advantage in life. You learn very fast that getting results/effectiveness always trumps self-respect. When you're in a "succeed or starve" situation, you quickly learn what really matters in life. Having a small ego is actually a huge advantage because it keeps you stoic, provides mental clarity, gives your better situational awareness, and increases your adaptability to change. You also learn to rarely take things personally because everyone is the hero of their own story.

[TravelingFoodBunny]

“True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.”-C.S.Lewis.

[WisePsychology]

"Boundaries are the way I can love you and love myself at the same time."

[rayrwyr]

Self-respect should not be confused with Ego.

[santafilipina]

Thomas Sowell said there are no solutions, only tradeoffs.

[matthewdancz]

An over abundance of "self respect" tends to breed narcissism.

[GJones]

I think this is a message to all the masculine women.

Furthermore, having a big ego never plays well for anyone. We all must give to receive. The is a universal law.

[raymondsilveira]

Self respect is not about the other person respecting or disrespecting you...its about you living with yourself...your action, your conscience

The piece of advice comment (asking yourself why you keep ending up in bad relationships) is gold. I know so many people that have 10+ bad relationships in a row, and they never do any self-reflection, let alone realize that they are the common denominator.

[kalfares]

I guess my definition of self-respect is different because it for it is not about getting what i want. Its about making choices i can live with instead of ruminating on them for year to come.

[carlosr]

This hits home for me. I used to be very idealistic and would often debate ppl, thinking I need to help them see the truth. In the end, I lost friends, barely anyone like me, my wife cheated on me. It took me hitting rock bottom to learn the lesson Orion is teaching here. I still try to help ppl gain a new perspective but any sign of them being closed minded, I stop.

[trachbeba]

Your integrity is absolutely a hill to die on.
Self-respect ultimately is, integrity.

[sugarwaters]

This was really what I needed to hear today. I’ve always considered excessive self respect and standing in business you be a virtue but it can sometimes lean into egotism and get in the way of your ultimate goals. Thank you for this video.

[hurrikane]

Stop bending the knee and have a backbone fellas. If she can’t cooperate and be respectful keep it moving.

[jonrazo]

I am a teacher and during covid, I was teaching a zoom class. We had to get evidence of student work each period so I would ask students questions, have them answer them in the chat, and print the chat log afterward to use. One day I getting answers and I am waiting on a single student to answer. I ask what the holdup was and he says, nothing, I answered it already. I scroll back through the chat and sure enough, he answered. I apologize to him and all of a sudden, I hear a voice in the background. It was his mom listening in. She said "Thank you for admitting your mistake. A lot of teachers wouldn't."

I have plenty of self respect. I also don't have much of an ego so I have very little need to defend it most of the time. I've read a lot of Taoism and zen. Very little bothers me anymore.

[._life]

People with self respect attract people and sercumstanced that reflects their self respect... And have more healthy and loving relationships. Simple as that.... ❤

[suefleming]

People need to learn to be decent and fair with everyone... including themselves.

[kalki]

"Prioritizing self respect over other things should not occur on a frequent basis."

I am grateful for this message, and in awe.

Thank you.

[GrnXnham]

In the business world the saying "The customer is always right." requires you to put aside some of your self respect in order to be successful in business.