15 Signs You are Hitting Bottom in Codependency

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Video by Dr. Dawn Elise Snipes on integrative behavioral health approaches including counseling techniques and skills for improving mental health and reducing mental illness.

TIMELINES
00:00 Hitting Bottom in Codependency
00:25 What Does Hitting Bottom Mean
03:35 Codependency and cPTSD
05:55 Hitting Bottom in Codependency (Physical & Affective)
09:00 Hitting Bottom in Codependency (Cognitive & Environmental)
13:25 Hitting Bottom in Codependency (Relational)
15:10 Letting Go
17:55 Support Doc Snipes
18:20 Grief and Hitting Bottom
20:30 Grief and Hitting Bottom (Acceptance)
21:15 Raising the Bottom
23:35 Final Thoughts

[DocSnipes]

👌More videos can be found on this topic at
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[FaithFashionFinances]

Hitting Bottom in Codependency taught me to not be such a doormatt. I had to look at my own behaviours and the toxic people I allowed around me.

[Michael_Kelsey]

I’m in the process of hitting bottom in co-dependency right now. I got to a point where I realized that “look, healing can’t be any worse, what do I really have to lose”. The truth is, I only have everything to gain.

[nadineprice]

Thank you dr. This is 100 percent what im going through.... Ive now hit my rock bottom. The various ab, eork suffering, family alienated, lack of sleep, anger outbursts, anxiety, abandonment issues, ended it last night... 3 years of hell, with an antisocial narcissist... Lies, cheating, ab, verbal, physical, mental, emotional, the disrespect, hyper vigilant... Exhausted. Thanks for not judging.

[jaylaw.]

You’re like the self aware mom I’ve always wanted, just knowing there are parents/people out here who are this self aware makes my heart hurt (considering my family dynamic) but I’m forever grateful for your presence and positivity!! It brings me joy. I feel understood. You make me happy. I’m 22. 😊

[moussaka]

Thank you for this discussion; it describes my life. I am in the process of grief currently. It isn't going to happen. I have abandonment/addiction issues all my life. Change is hard, but there is no other way. I have made mistakes, apologized and recognized what I have done to hurt others when I was mentally unwell, but didn't realize that all my life I was trying to please others and feel accepted in my own dysfunctional family that I didn't even know who I was. When I began to change my life, others still saw or expected me to be the unhealthy way I was. It just isn't going to happen. I had to move on to save myself and keep the people who 'expects' the next shoe to drop at a distance. I have worked through and recognized my own resentments; but I cannot expect others to do the same. Sometimes I think that people like the feeling of resentment. There is nothing I can do to change someone's perspective of me (even when they were incorrect in their assessment). That's when the grief comes in and I am allowing myself to go through my grief but every day it becomes less and less. It is not always my fault and I am learning to not apologize for my recovery. Thank you, again. It was very timely for me to see this video. My higher power is in charge because my life became unmanageable. Blessings 🙏

[lb]

I think I am transitioning from depression to acceptance. I realized last week that if I didn't have kids depending on me I would have left this relationship a long time ago.

[jennylynn]

I cannot describe how much I understand this discussion… there truly aren’t words to express the impact of all that you discuss here on my life so far. Thank you, Doc Snipes! Working toward healing one day at a time… 🙏🏻

[popcultureperspectives]

I'm at rock bottom. Helping my grandma to recover from a surgery turned into 8 years of 24/7 caregiving. No help. This situation has become co-dependent as I spent my life savings to float the needs of survival unable to be met by my grandma's fixed income. We're dealing with some vulnerable narcissism, depression, and anxiety. She can't stand minutes alone without coming to find me, than I'm the bad person for needing space.

I'm tired in my bones and coming to face the reality that I can't help someone that refuses to help herself. This while facing that to leave is to start my life over from scratch in addition to the guilt associated with abandoning her (which I'm regularly reminded to feel).

I am getting to that angry, bitter, and resentful stage. I'm like a wolf caught in a trap and ready to chew off my own paw if it will free me.

Every day is terror that if something happens to her...I'm left with nothing... no savings...no job...no friends...no family. And I want to build that. So, I beg her to at least try to become more self sufficient only to be told she's "old" and I'm picking on an old woman.

Meanwhile, there's barely a shred of me left in a life that she consumes wholly...a life I've allowed her to consume as I'm forced to face that I'm choosing this and it gets harder and harder to keep making this choice... even if it means living in my car.

24/7. 8 years. No help (only child of only child). And she's only become more needy and clingy while I feel like I'm losing my sanity in a life of non-stop tasks performed in 10 minute allotments as I'm only allowed 10 minutes out of her sight.

[Trying_very]

Well, I tried to avoid watching this one because the title made me feel a bit anxious. It kept popping up 3 days in a row, so I took the hint. Wow, you hit the nail square on the head with this one and it wasn’t too difficult to watch after all. Thank you Dr S for another good one. 💖

[Kim-kwfo]

Excellent. This has been my life with my daughter. Since I started therapy in 2015, things have got so much worse. The lowest point was her keeping my granddaughter away from me. However, if it happens again, so be it. I don't think, feel and act the same way anymore. I love being alone and I know I'm enough.

[ranc]

Author of Human Magnet Syndrome, Ross Rosenberg said that codependency does not exist - it is misleading label. He proposed to be called Lack of Self Love. Codependency itself it part of interdependence - diplomacy and empathy are not wrong per se. What is wrong is addiction to other person due to toxic shame (deep core belief we are inept - due to trauma programming conditioned hypnosis), what is also wrong is fawning as survival mechanisms - yet fawning enabled us to survive punishments, so it is not something that is evil, it was necessary evil to counter evil people. Also there is trauma bonding - which is natural effect of toxic shame internalized inside us.
The one and only problem is internalized toxic shame - deep core belief we are not able to manage life due to inferiority complex. And another critical component are toxic people and toxic ambient which needs to be cut off with secure and safe plan.
---
“Because feeling needed is mistaken for being loved, they experience a wealth of distorted “love” in relationships with narcissists.”
― Ross Rosenberg, The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap

“Codependents confuse caretaking and sacrifice with loyalty and love. Although they are proud of their unwavering dedication to the person they love, they end up feeling unappreciated and used. Codependents yearn to be loved, but because of their choice of dance partner, find their dreams unrealized. With the heartbreak of unfulfilled dreams, codependents silently and bitterly swallow their unhappiness. Codependents are essentially stuck in a pattern of giving and sacrificing, without the possibility of ever receiving the same from their partner. They pretend to enjoy the dance, but secretly harbor feelings of anger, bitterness, and sadness for not taking a more active role in their dance experience. They are convinced they will never find a dance partner who will love them for who they are, as opposed to what they can do for them. Their low self-esteem and pessimism manifests as a form of learned helplessness that ultimately keeps them on the dance floor with their narcissistic partner.”
― Ross Rosenberg, The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap

“Due to unconscious, trauma-based psychological forces, codependents and pathological narcissists are almost always attracted to each other. The resulting relationship is mostly breakup resistant. Narcissists benefit the most from this situation.”
― Ross Rosenberg, The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap

“Most codependents are selfless and deferential to the needs and desires of others over themselves. They are pathologically caring, responsible, and sacrificing people whose altruism and good deeds are rarely reciprocated.”
― Ross Rosenberg, The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap

“Codependents are drawn to pathological narcissists because they feel comfortable and familiar with a person who knows how to direct, control, and lead. The narcissistic dancer is simply the yin to their yang. Their giving, sacrificial, and passive codependence matches up perfectly with their partners entitled, demanding, and self-centered nature.”
― Ross Rosenberg, The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap

“They cannot leave their narcissistic partner because their lack of self-esteem and self-respect makes them feel like they can do no better. Being alone is the equivalent of feeling lonely, and loneliness is too painful to bear.”
― Ross Rosenberg, The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap

“To varying degrees, all pathological narcissists are selfish, self-consumed, demanding, entitled, and controlling. They are exploitative people who rarely or selectively reciprocate any form of generosity. Pathological narcissists are only empathetic or sensitive to others when doing so results in a tangible reward for themselves and/or when it makes them feel valued, important, and appreciated. Because narcissists are deeply impacted by their personal shame and loneliness, but consciously unaware of it, they do not end their relationships. Positive treatment results are rare for narcissists.”
― Ross Rosenberg, The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap

“This is because pathological narcissists lack the psychological resources, ability, and insight to stay focused on what is wrong with themselves.”
― Ross Rosenberg, The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap

“A self-orientation is defined as the manner in which we love, care for and respect ourselves and others while in a relationship.”
― Ross Rosenberg, The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us

[michellearriaga]

This describes my life so perfectly right now. It’s like logically I know the bad habits and all but my mind will not allow me to do anything but obsess right now.

[northshorelight]

This is me and it all started with an overly critical mother who pushed me into marriage at 18 years old. I grew up feeling loved, appreciated, and had a lot of confidence. However, being Southeast Asian, at the time you were considered a spinster for staying single after 16 years old. God forbid you actually graduated high school before getting married. Anyways, this pushed me into a marriage with an immature guy who wasn't ready for marriage, himself. I only knew him for a week over the phone. He was only 23 years old. Of course, nobody really expected him to be an adult but they expected me - the wife - to be everything. Not only was I expected to work for my inlaws, but to love them even more than my own family despite them disrespecting me and couldn't care less if I was a second class citizen in their home. After finally escaping that prison, things improved a bit. At least I didn't have to live under my inlaws' whim and made to feel like a bad daughter-in-law. However, when it was obvious that my ex was just not living up to marriage material, my mother gaslit me. I had to try harder to make up for his slack. I had to make things right and perfect. I chose this marriage, after all. Yeah right.

[GLeon-ovyu]

Thank you for your service to the community through YouTube ❤ I have been in Co dependents Anonymous (CODA) for 4 years. During the past 12 months I found the coda 12 step meetings “online” and attend 3-4 meetings a day. This volume of meetings daily has accelerated my healing. ❤

[ashatan]

I’m in a codependent relationship with my daughter who is now 32. She has mental health and addiction issues. My nervous system was stuck in “fight or flight” so long that I developed fibromyalgia. I am permanently fatigued and in physical pain. It’s been one crisis after another for almost 20 years. I’ve finally reached my bottom. I need to focus on myself and what is left of my marriage. I have used all my energy worrying about her safety for so long I am a shell of the person I used to be. I’m glad I came across your channel. Thank you for all you do 🙏❤️

[Bexstarartist]

I had a "prince on a white horse" he was a super co-dependent. He caught me in a moment of vulnerability. but he really didn't know what he was getting into! I have recently gone from being an active, independent "hot shot" to having a severe seizure disorder, I'm disabled and can't leave home alone. He took it upon himself to fix me and then, according to him we would have this amazing relationship. He cancelled his life and went to work on mine. it wasn't just my health that was a project it was also my flat, my terrace, and my freezer! I am not someone who can handle substantial insecurity and neediness. His charming and caring warmth quickly became annoying, fussy pandering. I noticed problems and mentioned them, at first gently and kindly. His boundary-pushing was too much and destroyed us on its own. I also have CPTSD and if someone pushes my boundaries the castle walls, moat and guards are up so the pusher will hurt themselves. There was this unattractive whingey, neediness that repelled me and so caused more of it. It was so sad because at first, I did think he was the love of my life. I wanted a relationship with him, not a carer. I wanted him to honour himself. I needed him to advocate for himself, I wanted a bf I respect as an equal not a subserviant and I lost all respect for him. He became angry, abusive and irrational and I became cold and hard. It was an intense four months. Now I am trying to hold together this messy disentanglement and it is very hard as he fluctuates from trying to work his way into my life to being abusive and angry all while taking longer to disentangle, of course, it's exhausting and I have seizures daily!. He has been latching onto my friends which really pisses me off. I've worked years for my support network and he has been putting them in the middle of us! He wants to "be friends" even though I am very clear there is no way and I am not treating him well, not bad just very firm and direct. He misreads me and thinks I am being malicious. tells me how awful I've been and how it's my fault he did the awful things he did like drive at 45 in a 20 zone out of anger as well as insult my character and override my no. He also whinges about a sexual incident where I changed my mind and went to sleep he makes out like it was a problem. I have seizures and need to sleep! I did have to threaten him to get the personal images that I need for medical reasons! Btw I found a cure independently for my seizure disorder so I am getting better all by myself.

[yehhshhs]

Please dear god i can’t hold it anymore. This “relationship” is going to make me go crazy!!’ Please GOD GIVE ME STRENGHT I BEG YOU I NEED TO SURVIVE MYSELF 😭😭😭😭😭

[howtosober]

Wow, thank you for such a thorough list. Anything related to insecure attachment and developmental trauma is really valuable for recovering addicts. I'm featuring your channel on mine immediately!

[Healingfromtheroot]

Thank you so much. I finally reached this point too ❤ good luck everyone! We’ve got this🌀