The Tyranny of Parental Dependence

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[AlbertaRanch]

When you see the adult infants destroying everyone around them it really drives this message home.

[flyingbluelion]

It took me a long time to realize that my overprotective mother had stunted my psychological development. The father was present but deliberately did nothing to prevent her smothering. She was stubborn and made his life hell if he opposed her. For me "please don't get injured" became "don't ever do anything". Now I can't seem to do anything physically and live in a completely mental world as an unemployable Phd Mathematician who cannot drive a car.

[RJEngle]

My mother was not the helicopter mother type. She did very little for us except cook dinner. We had chores to do. She taught all three of her daughters to be self sufficient and independent. I love my mother and miss her very much .. God rest her soul!

[ssjgokuhan]

My wife has a "devouring" mother that wields guilt as a weapon, and my poor wife is too kind of a soul to tell her mother a hard truth so she can break free of the guilt.

[Razear]

Helicopter parenting comes from a place of good intentions, but there's an optimal degree of deprivation that's required for someone to be able to learn the ropes on their own. Kevin O'Leary had a great quote about this: "The dead bird under the nest never learned how to fly."

[jimmcfarland]

Worked in a residential complex housing MRDD residents (the name at the time) on 3rd shift. In the morning, it was quite a cluster or furious race to dress the residents. Most had been trained, but the Charge wanted to dress them - probably to show how hard 3rd shift worked. I saw that over half could at least assist in the process, and I told the Charge that. He knew, the old curmudgeon, but wouldn't let go of his need to demonstrate his hard labor. I made a deal with him: I'll take half the unit; you take the other half. Before long, the half I worked with reclaimed some of their dormant skills. Eventually, most of the residents could help dress themselves.

He was a modern liberal; he didn't want to solve problems, but to keep the problems intact so he could appear to be something he was not.

Like over weaning parents.

[jacintamcgorian]

So many areas of education in this! Thank you

[vasilijawilson]

Thank You for this Beautiful information
Yes I agree with you completely Children’s need to Group

[gl]

Dr Peterson, totally agree! I have the tendency to do everything for my kids, in the name of “love & protect “ them…, at the same time, their father emotionally absent, later abandoned them.. . fortunately, the upside downs pushed me surrendered completely to God, I finally put everything at the feet of Jesus, it is where the healing started… . I & my kids re-learning (also from you) how to treat each other & built healthy boundaries etc. years passed, we are on the right direction now. I have learned to put my hands off, my kids are more independent, confident, disciplined & happier .
Praise the Lord, & thank you dear Dr Peterson!

[captaindanger]

my mom never let me go out with friends during my childhood (as far as I could go was as far as my mom could see from our apartment windows), and now she wonders why i'm at home all the time. now, my preferred way of hanging out with friends is just playing video games while we talk to each other on discord because it's cheaper than going out, and we can call for as long as we want without worrying about being outside too late in the night. (only reason why i still live with her is because the economy is trash right now. i had plans to get a good it tech support job and move out by 2023, but the economy had other plans...)

i remember, in 9th grade, I was in band, and the music program at my school has spring field trips every year where we go to a major city within the US for 3 days. i asked my mom if i could go, and she said "why are they taking kids away from their parents?!" there are chaperones and teacher supervision for the entire trip... i wasn't allowed to go on the spring trip until 11th grade and ONLY BECAUSE we were gonna have music competitions at that location so the music teachers were trying to get everyone in the music program to go on the trip so we can be as close as possible to having our full bands, choirs, and orchestras for the competitions. she wasn't gonna let me go on the trip if we didn't have the competitions in that trip. I WAS 17. BRUH.
(for those who want to know, my school got 1st place in every applicable category except for the all groups orchestra. all groups meaning both middle and high school band in one category rather than separating them like the other categories did.)

also, this one time (also in 9th grade), my friend invited me to go to the movies to watch a movie during winter break. i knew for a fact my mom would say no, so i told my friend right then and there that i know i won't be able to know cuz i know my mom will say no. a month or two later, i ask my mom if she would've let me go see the movie. she said no and then started lecturing me about how she heard in the news that, at some point in time, there was a shooting in some movie theater somewhere in this country. anyway, i was right that she'd say no, but, of course, i was not happy that i was right.

tbh, i'm not sure if my mom has accepted that i'm an adult now, even still. i'm old enough to drink (although I never have and don't plan on starting), but EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. she lectures me about the same exact BASIC BABY EASY THINGS she'd already taught me when i was 5. the economy needs to hurry up and improve so i can move out asap.

my father was present for all of this, but my parents are divorced and he was only able to live with us because he begged my mom since he said it's important for kids to grow up with both parents in the home (based), but he still had to pay child support for some stupid reason, so to him whatever my mom says goes because the courts technically gave her custody of me and my younger sister. it's kinda wack that my younger sister was allowed to go to the mall with her friends when she was in 10th grade, tho. that was absolutely wack. they didn't have any parental supervision or anything. BRUH WHAT THE HECK?! WE'RE ONLY 2 YEARS APART!!!!

[CarolCote-kdis]

That’s what my ex has done to our only child and he’s 43 years old adult!

[CharlesLambert]

Dated a girl, she was 40, who sounds like she was raised in this kind of environment. She's in her early 40s, lives at home with her parents, works with her mom (part-time) and has absolutely no adult responsibility. She didn't see anything wrong with a 40-year-old living at home. She was fun to date at first, but I soon found myself losing respect for her. Needless to say, that ended quickly. My mom was a shield maiden so pretty-much the opposite of a devouring mother.

[MrPpg]

Hi! Do you have the link for the complete talk?

[marner]

It’s not necessary for the father to lack compassion in order to lead his kid into doing necessary challenges. In fact it is compassion that would prevent those actions from going from loving pragmatism to, perhaps, something a little more damaging.

I’ve seen fathers push their young children too far in hockey only to scar them. This is a selfish thing—they want their kid to grow up the player they never were.

But loving compassion for your kid means I’m going to encourage them to do the hard thing that’s on their plate and learn for themselves how to accomplish it because I don’t want to see you suffer in the future from not being able to do it.

That is a whole different ball game, or hockey game, lol.

[marleighb]

Leave and cleave; like the Bible says!

[normavoyton]

Babies who walk seem to be naturally resilient, like they'll be walking fall down bump their head or whatever and just keep going. Parents just dont overreact every time your baby/toddler gets *hurt* and theyll be fine.. my son needed stiches at 6 in his foot because he jumped on a table. I took him to the hospital and i noticed he was looking at me for how to react so i held it together (i wanted to cry) and he was good. He didnt even cry for the needle. You teach your kids how to react.. cry alone in the bathroom if you have to. Thats what i did later on lol cried like a baby
He even managed to tell the doctor doing his stitches a joke. He said "i don't know why I'm getting stitches if I never snitched" the doctor laughed and said he handled it better than grown men. He felt proud of himself for that.

[JuanCarlosNunez-guyz]

Dr. Peterson; would have had (something) to say at (The Great Library of Alexandria). Thank you Sir for learning the Greats, and now transforming knowledge into (WISDOM) for those of us that... now carry the (Torch)!

[PuyaR-pljt]

Such a dense excerpt indeed & yet being cut off at the crucial point / so I’d imagine the rest of it at the “extreme” level ! // in some societies there are many who say : Nay! There is no longer such a thing as essential nature or any other «old fables, just an immense “wise” idea which no Father is hidden in it ( the unkind Father who thinks “must be cruel“ & expects my forever baby « to eat bread in the sweat of its face & even _ heaven forbid! _ leave me one day to join his wife » ) Nay ! There is only one idea left, a modern idea!»

[lesleyelalami]

Married one of those man-boy types. 25 years of hell on earth. My son, aged 24 committed suicide, amongst other issues, one of his fears was 'I don't want to grow up to be a dickhead like my Dad', so he was spared that. As we parted ex was literally on his knees crying and came out with 'I HATE MY FUCKING MOTHER!!!'. My only daughter (Head of a Comprehensive School) then began to try and annihilate me using carbon copy of ex-husband's tactics which made it so easy to spot second time around. We've not spoken for 8+ years and thankfully she lives 220 miles away. She had at one time said earnestly 'Eeeeh Mam, when I think about it YOU did EVERYTHING and I MEAN EVERYTHING.'. I'd rather have no company than bad company.... I'm not that desperate.

[dwaznuk]

I shake in horror when i think of “families”