The great debate: immediate physical attraction vs. developing over time

Dr. Karyn Gordon weighs in on whether you need to be physically attracted to your partner right off the bat, or if it can develop over time.

[nickiajay]

i think emotional attraction can grow but if you are absolutely not physically attracted to someone, it wont work. And then its not fair to the other person to "give it time" when they are looking for a real sustainable relationship. you have to give yourself a time frame. its not fair to waste someones time for years

[joshuacook]

In 2011 a new associate was brought in and I was to train her. I Was in no way attracted to this individual. Plain at best but simply unattractive. Turns out that this woman is exactly what I've always wanted. 8 years with this amazing woman that I'm still in love with and absolutely nuts over. So yes initial attraction wasn't required but time with her has made her priceless and irreplaceable!

[justathoughtmyfriend]

Rule of thumb: If you have to force (emphasis on force) physical attraction, don't waste theirs or your time. The guilt that comes with meeting a nice guy/gal that you are simply not physically attracted to, but has other inner attributes that mesh well feels like settling. It's settling because it's as if I'm never going come across such a person again, so I might as well snag on to it. No, that is risky and the last thing you want to do is lead a guy/girl on and waste their time. Remember, men and women can just be friends. Now, there are those encounters with people, soulmate connections, where you never thought you would be attracted to a particular person by first physical and even personality impression. But once they start hitting the button on certain dream qualities you've wanted in someone as well as an unexplainable energy toward them that coincides with it, that can aid in creating a gradual whirlwind of emotions and outlook toward them that will baffle you like, "How in the world did I get from, "you are just there" to "I can't stop thinking about them" or "He/She has beautiful eyes that I never noticed before."

[sigcinondlela]

"The heart catches up" I don't think so, you're wasting each other's time. I dated a good man for a whole year and the attraction didn't grow. I wish I didn't accept the second date cause I knew he wasn't for me on the first date. Anyway I broke up with him and felt relieved but sad cause I broke his heart. Don't ever settle, it's not worth it in the long run.

[jackiek]

I've been in love with someone for 8yrs and thier was no chemistry and we split up because of it.
You need to be in love with someone your attracted to.

[camila_alvarez]

Attraction does grow but if there’s no physical attraction from the beginning, then there’s sm missing. I learned this the hard way.

[lerinnenatalia]

I'm currently in this dilemma and I'm choosing to give it time. In the past all that hot spark instant attraction was not long lasting. It was more of an infatuation. and with my current man who I thought looked kinda funny, I feel myself growing to adore him more and more every day.

[theunpopulartruth]

I think it can grow as well. If you look at the reverse if you have a physical connection with someone, but they turn out not to be a good person then your heart will catch up with your head..bye

[kizuna]

Im Never immediately attracted to someone. I have to know them first, to feel some kind of physical attraction. Demi spectrum here 🙋🏼‍♀️

[cindyb]

It’s according to what you value as a person! Let’s think about how many times we have been attracted to people who were essentially not aligned with our values based on immediate attraction. It can happen either way, and it’s okay to be intentional about who you’re with while developing attraction based on what you learn about that person that influences the attraction, as well as being emotionally present with that person.

[beautylife]

There are differences between physical attraction and sexual attraction. For some people physical attraction is a must because otherwise no sexual attraction can be developed. For others, sexual attraction can be developed over time (after finding more about the person), even they might not feel the physical attraction at beginning. Without sexual attraction, it becomes platonic (or friendship).

[delilahhart]

One reason why arranged marriages last is because they usually take place in societies in which divorce is frowned upon.

[newnana]

I think it can grow if all the other qualities you are looking for are there. I think you have to be attracted to the person as a person. I started my relationship with my honey as a friend, doing lunch, talking about a lot of different things, life experiences, we were intimate friends( no kissing or sex) for 2 1/2 years before we just kinda started dating. We have been together as a couple for 34 years? The attraction grows.

[NargisC]

From personal experience, it can definitely grow over time. It doesn’t have to be immediate but it could be.

[delilahhart]

Why not enjoy your solitude instead of wasting your time with someone who doesn't give you butterflies? Why settle?

[nancyvallejo]

You either find someone you like or u stay ALONE!!!! If I could go back to the past I would of stayed ALONE the rest of my life I regret being with who I am so I think if u don’t like her leave her find something good or stay alone.

[xzktplm]

Nothing can grow if it isn't there. Period. What grows with time it's other things...

[alsfowafafwajg]

I believe it can grow too, from personal experience. My first boyfriend said he liked me, but i just liked him as a friend. Later though i really started to to like him back. So yeah, it's possible.

[lordalepore]

I'm getting really informative information from this channel.thank you so much

[sparkleafter]

"attraction to the qualities" that was the best statement to sum it all up. Big difference between lust and love. Love is a decision and choice and often physical attraction is not correctly defined. Physical attraction is usually defined as "what a person looks like" whereas the attraction initially must include the "qualities" for it to develop over time. The person that wrote in apparently had some type of "physical" attraction to have been intimate. Says a lot in itself. Think there was a confusion between definition of "physical attraction" and "quality attraction." Quality is not "brain" it is in the characteristics and mannerisms and beliefs...For example, there is an energy that is unseen when a person enters your space. How a person reacts when you first meet them has a language. Often we see a person that seems average looking and upon speaking with them for a few minutes it seems our eyes open up and we see them as more attractive or less attractive based on the interaction we have.