Narcissists, Flying Monkeys and Sibling Estrangement

What is a flying monkey? In narcissistic families, flying monkeys serve as proxies or pawns for the narcissist by guilt-tripping, shaming, and gaslighting an unsuspecting sibling or victim. This dynamic often occurs in large families where one sibling dominates and then employs others to do his/her dirty work. Flying monkeys are a kind of enabler who often love drama. He or she rubber stamps the narcissist’s behavior and, in the process, avoids narcissistic abuse. When a sibling establishes healthy boundaries, the narcissist will rage and then employ flying monkeys in another attempt to control victims. In this episode, learn how to respond to these manipulative people.

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***Ali-John Chaudhary, Psychotherapist***

I also host a twice-monthly online Sibling Estrangement Support Group on Zoom. You can benefit from guidance from myself, a psychotherapist, with regards to this issue that I have had to walk through as well. Plus, you get the added bonus of seeing others of like mind in real-time, and being able to exchange and empower yourself in a safe and welcoming atmosphere. Registration for the next support group held is only 9.99$. Space is limited. Msg me if this speaks to you to reserve your spot. A UK Group is also emerging. Msg me if you would like to join!

Fern's book (Available Now) is entitled: "Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation."

[pattyrooney]

I've kicked mine to the curb. I'm giving myself the best birthday present of my life! I'll be 71yrs old soon.

[carmenchenier]

I lost a sibling to Triangulation. So painful and so sad! Blocking the narcissistic sister and her Flying Monkeys was the only solution to my peace of mind and serenity!

[alonzomosley]

My deceased narc mother created an environment of competition between siblings. She encouraged lying, deceit and talking behind esp scapegoats back .She left behind a nasty mess of a very unloving family and constant fighting, she would be loving it from her grave, the disputes .

[tigerbunny]

Don't forgive them. Forgive yourself and don't look back.

[johns]

Better to be alone than have contact with a wicked monster. Life is too short and peace of mind too precious.

[suzyjane]

I have been separating myself from my large dysfunctional family. The main narcissist has been using monkeys for decades. A funeral was approaching, and I openly declined to go because of the circus. I had said my peace and goodbyes to the loved one and felt no need and desire to put myself in such a sick position. This raised a lot. One monkey wanted to visit me after 30 plus years of neglect. I told her she could come to visit, but there are two rules: We will only speak of the people that are present, no other members, and no funeral talk. Well, she did not want to come. She seemed greatly relieved. Thank you for broaching this dynamic.

[domt]

It breaks my heart that I had to go no contact with my siblings. I have always been the truth teller and empathetic one. Two narcissistic sisters and
Who spend so much time convincing my other to younger siblings to go against me too.
I’ve just had enough…I decided my peace was more important!❤️

[Maybe-jgef]

3:30--It's funny how they do their "guilt tripping" or ""shaming" into your mid-40s when it's NONE OF THEIR FUCKING BUSINESS out of nowhere (if you're me.) It was at that point that looked up the word scapegoat for the first time in my life because I'm a stranger overheardwhat I was going through on a phone contract with a sibling trying to talk to them on the phone, and this older man sympatheticly said, "Ah... You're a scapegoat!"

The only sentence I ever needed to hear! I thought I had a big vocabulary but I never had heard this word scapegoat before or thought of it until my mid-40s.


Yet that opened up a world of healing for me. Life is so much better being NO CONTACT with my 3 siblings now. (Once you finally see it, you cannot unsee it anymore!!)

[mariafarley]

My family is so dysfunctional that I actually can’t tell which of my two sisters is the Narc and which is the Flying Monkey!

[mm]

It's like being trapped in the grown up version of an American high school movie. You've got the table of popular girls, beautiful, rich, the right clothes, they are cheerleaders, etc.. They have everything going for them so what do they need to do at lunch? Pick on the one kid sitting by themselves just trying to survive. And, everyone else in the lunch room stands by or laughs. The audience watching the movie identifies with the lonely kid, yet in real life, was most likely the bystander laughing at the bullying going on.

[annetteselent]

One of the great disappointments in my current life, that I am working my way through, is that a couple flying monkey relatives have decided to take up the cause of my covert narcissist sister. They obviously adore her more now than ever and have no empathy for the shunning they are taking part in. I’ve started reading on Ambiguous Grief and I see myself on that healing journey.

[Mindyzzzzz]

I got exiled cause I’ve been calling out my narcissist mother since she started mistreating me. It’s bullying at its core and I do not like bullies.

[darleneterada]

I have found that ignoring them and then living my own life happily and successfully really annoys them. My sister and her flying monkeys hate it when I'm happy so when I concentrate on me I win both ways.

[macoeur]

I have one person in the family who I believe to be a covert narcissist (or something very close) who has, over a lifetime, managed to rope everyone in the family into her "web" via their own blind spots. This included me, to an extent, for a very long time until it eventually became clear to me what was happening. The others in the family are now unwittingly being used as "flying monkeys" to "neutralize me"...and I can't stress the "unwittingly" part enough. I believe they feel trapped, and can unconsciously sense that the easiest way to stay safe is to side with the narcissist. The entire picture is so sad. I can't even say that anger is my predominant emotion. It's as if fear is running the show amongst all members of the family...Not with more distant family members who are off living their own lives for the most part. I've finally come to realize that my only path to freedom is to break out of this toxic "inner family circle".

[innerwestie]

I had to go no contact with my whole extended family after cutting out a narcissist sibling. Other members were immediately recruited to Hoover me back in. When that concerted effort failed the flying monkeys were then used to keep tabs on me for the narc to the point of it feeling like stalking. It took about 3 years when I realised that there was no way to heave a healthy relationships with the extended family. So I let them go and after a grieving process, I now feel a lot freer.

[samanthasmiles]

I am struggling so much. I want to cut off the narcissist COMPLETELY, but if I do that, I will never see my niece again. The narcissist has already "punished" me by hurting my niece and keeping her away from me. My niece has been begging for help. She told me her dream would be to live with myself and my husband. When my niece turns 18, the narcissist will be dead to me. Until then, I have to play the game. It makes me mentally sick.

[alimccreery]

I’m realizing that my mother used my sister as a flying monkey, it makes sense since she was the golden child 🤪

[freeflyer]

My mother was a narcissist still is but she is old alone and poor she lost everything. She would always tell me I was trying to be mysterious and I thought I was a pre Modena when I was a kid and didn’t know what that even meant. She made my life growing up a living hell. My brother didn’t survive her after I finally got away. She is truly evil

[lizg]

My sister and adult flying monkey have caused me so much pain. I have blocked them

[pattitorres]

OMG this is completely what 2 of sisters have done, and continue to do!! They have their daughters and families doing the same to me and my family. Incredible