Complaints vs Criticisms in your Relationship

Criticism always hurts our connection and closeness together. Here's what to do if your partner is criticizing you.
#conflictresolution #marriageadvice #relationshipproblems

[confusedwhynot]

I always told my husband how things made me feel. He always dismissed me and told me my feelings were not reality. I never criticized him as an individual. I can't change him, but I can let go even if I love him. I don't need to stay in an abusive relationship.

[mmoro]

Pride often ruins relationships..there are people who are very hurt and even handling them gently like "bruised peaches" cannot save the relationship..they are too scared or stubborn to change, to listen, to communicate, and committ even to a genuine friendship.😢

[rdbare]

Some people have bad character and some relationships need to end.

[acmcbride-olson]

Yes, it IS hard to be vulnerable and express how you feel, especially when your partner either goes into silence or gives an “apology” that’s really a “get out of jail free card” with no heart or behavior change. You can say it very well and still get bad results because how they respond is theirs, not yours.

[tamarbatyah]

Good distinction! This is such an important topic. Criticism is destructive. Constructive communication discusses the issue without alienating the other person. The goal should always be to bring you closer together after the discussion.

[joycetheobald]

Everything I say that he doesn't like becomes an "accusation" of some sort. I end up backing down before it escalates. I end up going over and over in my head where I went wrong or what I should've said. It's so exhausting. We've been married so long, it feels like we're just waiting to see who dies first at this point.

[SENSEF]

But he seriously is only nice if I'm mad and mean to him.

It took me YEARS to finally yell back. And I was shocked it worked because that's so not my nature. I would tell him behaviors that hurt me, but he wouldn't budge until I finally yelled back!

But as soon as I trust him again and am nice, he mistreats me again. That's the cycle.

It's seriously weird and I don't want to be in a marriage where I have to be mean to my spouse to get him to treat me with basic respect and decency.

It definitely wasn't this way when we were dating or engaged. The switch flipped right after marriage.

[Arno_vanZyl]

Nearing 1 year in and had this conversation with her just this week. Vowed to pay attention to not get defensive but rather curious and asked her to pay attention to rather give complaints in stead of criticisms. Wish us luck 😉

[gloriadonahue]

After 35 years of not listening to a word I say, yeah, it comes out rude. That's what happens after 35 years of being ignored. You cannot keep up the kindness forever and ever. It just isn't sustainable

[jac]

I just want you to know that my daughter was able to share your last video with her husband and I think he's been watching other videos because he actually told her today when they were talking that he was listening and that he heard her. So thank you for everything that you do!

[Fireandbubbles]

You should treat your partner at least as well as you treat your coworkers. So don’t call names, keep saying please and thank you, and be kind to each other. If you do that, you’ll build up a bank of goodwill that will make resolving conflicts easier.

BUT. If you’re nice and they still aren’t, or they can’t take any of your concerns into account, you cannot change that person. The only way people change is if they decide to do it. If they’re not interested in changing and you are miserable, let it go. You don’t have to be miserable.

Neither of you has to be a bad person for you to be a bad couple.

[tammylynn]

I wish I was taught this when I was 7 years old. So many relationships destroyed due to words.

[sarahs.]

After 30+ years of 1-3 daily messages of criticism from my family/spouse/boss/whomever, that's **11, 000 - 33, 000+** messages that tell me *I'm not enough.*

This is so important for me to hear before I add another 30 years without doing something new on my part.

[CyberAngel]

You're right! Both parties can adjust their conversation. However, if they're raising their voice & cursing, it's time to leave. 🙏🏽

[DuncanAtkinson]

This short video has helped my partner recognise that the way she speaks to me is so often destructive. As someone with ADHD i find listening to criticism extremely hard. So thank you Jimmy!

[RadishTheFool]

The issue I keep encountering is that people take my statements of boundaries, needs, and preferences as criticism. As personal attacks.

I can never get them to explain what they want differently from me, and meanwhile they continue as before.

I've heard so many similar stories from other women, other neurodiverse people, other handicapped or ill people, and of course from people active in the Black Lives Matter movement.

Everyone who is different from some arbitrary "norm" and so has different needs and boundaries and preferences has to keep explaining over and over again, always differently than we are currently doing, and we keep getting dismissed for not doing it "right."

And then when we get frustrated or even angry over getting harmed and ignored, WE get blamed for not playing along nicely anymore.

I truly appreciate channels like yours trying to educate people on how there's a difference between wanting things to change, and condemning someone as a person.

It's okay if we do things in ways that accidentally hurt others. It's how we respond to learning about our unintended effects that shows our character.

[dissoviet]

thank you so much! I'm always looking forward to your new videos, they are life saving! my partner and I've been together for a couple years, and we worked through plenty of problems during the time, but the default criticism in arguments is something we're yet to resolve. I think I'm the more critical one: growing up in a family where invalidation and blaming was normal, and where any given conflict could only be resolved through shouting, name calling, etc. — oh it really messed me up. now I'm working my ass off to teach myself better ways. thankfully my partner is understanding of it, so I'm slowly and steadily making progress :)

[christinao]

Good topic. I find that criticism can be passive aggressive. Nasty comments made from another room or complaining to other people are just as damaging. When confronted the person denies saying anything when I heard clearly what they said. Leaving me to chase after them with questions to hold them accountable for their behavior.

[CTHou]

Jimmy, you’re so insightful. I really appreciate your videos. They help me grow myself to be a better person. If only my partner would work with me. We could have a positive marriage, but at least I’m able to see my part through my divorce and hopefully my next relationship will be better.

[flowerss.]

This is soo true because my tone did change overtime equaling to destructiveness