10 Steps to Become Immune to Narcissistic Hoovering

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching for Survivors

So what is hoovering, anyway?

The "hoovering" technique was named after the famous vacuum cleaner company, and it's one of many common manipulation tactics employed by abusive, toxic narcissists.

This is when a narcissist sort of "sucks" his victim back into the relationship, or some version of it. It often begins innocently enopugh, sort of subtly, but it always happens with one target - to regain control.

Hoovering usually begins after the devalue and discard phases, when the silent treatment has stopped giving the narcissist pleasure, and when he's ready for more of the supply you've been feeding him all these months or years. Or, it'll start when you've left the narcissist and he fears you won't return.

The idea is that the narcissist needs to reestablish contact with you in order to get the narcissistic supply you're so good at providing. In this video, I'll explain more about hoovering, as well as offering you a ten-step plan to resist it like a pro. You can do this, and I'm here to help you get your head (and heart) in the right place. No one deserves narcissistic abuse - isn't it time you took back your life?

#hoovering #narcissist #toxicrelationship

[zmalqp]

No contact is my final decision, I filled a pool with my tears. I'm done. Sweet freedom.

[nothingbutme]

Its funny when they hoover because they come back as nothing ever happened.

[b.sharoncollins]

I've spent 34 years believing, hoping, wanting to believe that my narcissist might possibly really change this time. I married him at 21. I'm now 55, my health is destroyed, and I"m unemployable.
Do I think it's possible that a narcissist can change ? I personally no longer give a shit.
If you're reading this, please don't let my story become yours.
Oh, also - ? Many times the only reason I stayed was for the kids. My kids resent me so much now, I feel like they hate me. They see what's going on, but they don't want to see what's going on. It's easier to blame the 'problem child' - which is me, or my youngest son. If we both disappeared from the equation (which hopefully I'm finally doing right now with no contact), my oldest son would suddenly become the problem. And if he stepped out of the loop, my daughter who is the apple of her father's eye would be shocked to find that she was suddenly the problem! The rule is, it's never him. No matter what.
So if you're staying for your children, please remember this. I hope this will never be you.

[j.t.williams]

Agreed. They DON'T change...not without an exorcism.

[jenniferbuynitzky]

For me, it has been about 7 years of no contact and he's still Hoovering - just yesterday was the most recent time. Crazy, right?? 😵I can't imagine why exactly he's contacting me, except that perhaps his most recent Supply has vanished?? Whatever, it's difficult, but I am maintaining no-contact. I have to do it for myself, so I can be healthy and continue to move on with my awesome life. Your videos are so helpful!

[LilmissJ]

Thank you, this just saved me of a really big mistake!

[asaidhi]

Thank you! Hoovered yesterday- went like this Wednesday received message - drove passed your house 5 times can we meet for lunch tomorrow. I replied well ive put on about 20 pounds since you saw me last - his reply - well cant meet today busy day at work :) LOL

[sabreenakhalick]

Do not reestablish contact cos once they abused you, they will abuse you again. Why? cos you've lowered or your boundaries are shattered from the initial abuse. It's like a green light to them to do it again n again n again! It's like once a predator has tasted human blood, they'd be set up to bite and wound (possibly kill ) you again.

[TheHydred]

It was a smack in the face accepting my narcissistic tendencies. I call it that because I wasn't formally diagnosed with npd. I naturally adopted and strengthened the ability to control, fix, compel others around me by any means possible. I slowly bolstered the depths of my covert narcissism having been in co-dependent relationships with alcoholics and addicts in my life.
A program with specific steps paved a series of 'A-ha' moments slowly bringing me back to reality. Mind you, I was at the bottom of a pit. I knew I needed help desperately. The more people I lost and pushed away the more I acted out. The more it got to the point my defense mechanisms no longer worked.
I believe it is possible for a narcissist to gain consciousness. I learned that desperation is a gift. Thank you for opening up the discussion!

[juliannetaylor]

I listened to a psychologist explain that lack of empathy, compassion or remorse stems from an under active (defective) amygdala. If this is accurate, they cannot change. Also interesting, this guy said if a person is involved with someone with a cluster B personality disorder, that person needs to leave, get out. In other words, run and don't look back. I know, easier said than done. Thanks for the great info and being a guide on this healing journey!

[trishtv]

Disability is exactly the right word, and is a good word to use, because it helps us understand the reality of the situation, and it hurts less to know someone couldn't love you because they lost the part of them where love resides in a person. It is like being mad at a legless man for not running to save you when you needed it. I think the word disablity is a healing word in many ways.

[Tattedespiritista]

oh my god!! That Charlie Brown reference is EXACTLY how I would describe to him how he was treating me.

[IO-hgoe]

If possible in your life, block all contact and never talk to them again

[storytellermich]

My ex. I would have gone full NC if we didn't have a child. Settled for LC.

We only see each other when he picks up his son.
*Sees that I am getting ready to leave as well*
"Can I give you a ride?"
*insults me during ride*

Now it's just:
"I can give you a ride."
"No."
"I am asking you if you want a ride."
"No."
*ten seconds later*
"I can give you a ride."
"No."
"I am offering a ride."
"No."
"Why are you so mean? I just want to help you." (note: I have fibro and use a cane. no car/license, either)
"No."

I almost slapped the shit out of him last time because he took me allowing him to pet my cat while I was holding her as permission for him to touch my cheek. I told him "Don't touch me." Then he called me his pet name for me when we were together. Fuck that shit.

[marciathehooligan]

Thank you for making these videos, Doll. You're confirming what me and my ex's brother were just discussing last week; why Earl wants to keep me in his life. We established that his latest victim probably is starting to see his true colors and I'm the "fall back girl". I know this but I am still, as bad as he abused me, feeling like I'll never be loved by anyone else and honestly, I miss the passion with Earl. Quite frankly, I'm lonely and I'm very jealous that he isn't right now. I know, I sound completely codependent. But I threw out the bed I shared with him and I got a new phone so he can't text me anymore. You ARE helping me a great deal. Thank you & God bless you

[NVI]

Angie! Thank you for your video. My narc is hovering me off and on during the divorce process. He has done so much financial damage, as well emotional betrayal while being married to me. He phones back and starts his story about how he learned his mistakes and changed. And, at the end of the speech, there is always an attempt to get more money out of me, or a demand to accept his friend (well, 2 years ago, my narc demanded he went on vacation w/ his friend, spending family money when he quit his job supposedly to be with me).... He needs money and he doesn't need me. He needs money and care from me while he plans on fooling around w/ his friend. He called me a shitty person when I refused to join my soon to be ex hubby and his friend on a camping trip. I am honestly scared that he might stage an accident to get rid of me and get a hold of the equity of the house we bought together. He took a $12K buyout and moved out of property. Now he is set to get more. They are horrible people. They can't change, they have a disordered cause-effect perception in the brain that doesn't allow them to learn from his mistakes.

[TheBethoc]

Charles Schultz shared that the character Lucy was ACTUALLY modeled after his disastrous 1st wife.

[kristincarlo]

I've been with my narcissist now for 11 years. No they do not change every "attempt" to me anymore is just a ploy to keep you trapped. It's hard to deal with I guess I use the disassociation technique as a coping method. It's what's been getting me through this. Thank you for giving this a name it's nice to finally be able to identify what's been going on in my life. What I've been dealing with. It's crazy and I repeat they never really change they just get better at hiding it. Until like you said they honey moon stage ends and the cycle continues

[erakkovaatainen]

He tried to hoover me on his birthday. It was yesterday and also I had 4 months full of No Contact. The game is over, I deleted message, and continued my evening.

[ashleyprice]

I am currently being hoovered by my narcissist mother after 3 weeks of me choosing to cut off contact with her. In a nutshell I ended up catching her red handed trying to turn my brother and his fiance against me and my husband in a lie that she denied when we called her out on it. I recently received a nice gift from her in the mail with a note that said "Happy Fall surprise! I love you!!! Love Momma", with zero admission of guilt, remorse, or understanding that there was anything wrong. What a complete mindf*ck. She clearly wants me to feel an obligation to reach out to her and thank her for the gift, and since she is pretending that nothing happened, that I should too. The "old" me would have caved and talked to her, but the "new" me finally knows what I am dealing with and is sticking to my "no contact" guns no matter how hard it is to do. Good luck to all of you out there dealing with this in one way or another, you are not alone...stay strong!