Jordan Peterson - The Price of Divorce and Terrible Relationships

Psychology Professor Dr. Jordan B. Peterson talks about the problems with divorce when you have children. Your life will have no resemblance of your old one and step-parents will often see the kids of their partner only as an obstacle.

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[ellenkh]

most people who divorce eventually realize that they didn't leave their troubles, they took their troubles with them.

[nathancd]

Divorced and remarried here, my wife was in the same situation that I was, divorced and had kids. The damage that Jordan is talking about is very true. The sad part about it, if you have kids with your new wife, your kids will also suffer a degree of damage as well. They have siblings (the half siblings that are either of yours children) who they consider to be their regular siblings, will go away to their other parents for visits, they’ll go on trips and have fun at their grandparents houses, that your kids don’t get to partake in. Granted, they still get to go on trips that you take them on, and have fun at your parents, but there’s this other world that their siblings get to be apart of, that they don’t get to be a part of, and I know that hurts them. It’s just how it is. So the generation that will be protected from your choice to divorce, will be your grand children, which is a sobering thought, that your choice to divorce will have such long and deep efffects on people that aren’t just you. Divorce is ugly all the way around.

[drew]

“Divorce with kids will demolish your life” hear that! I don’t know many divorced parents who have great romantic relationships after the divorce nor do their children benefit.

[papapapist]

Too many Broken people settle for other broken people. We need to lower the misery levels to improve the stats on successful marriages.

[bargh]

As a kid of parents who hated their lives together but didn't divorce "for the kids" it's just as toxic and causes a lot of problems. My mother raised me to hate my father and thus myself too. It eventually destroyed everything a family is.

[Stickytaks]

I don't think he's saying don't divorce, but laying out the fact that all divorces are messy even the ones that need to happen. Instead of relying on divorce to be the cure-all, prevention is best. Choose wisely who you marry and lower the need to divorce as much as possible.

[GamingFreeOnline]

"The rate of abuse in step families is way higher than in biological lmfao

[mihirkumar]

Pro tip: Don't marry someone who's room isn't clean!

[EquestrianAmbassador]

Yeah, people tend to think much about exit strategies of a terrible relationship/marriage, but rarely think about how not to enter into one. Our system and society makes divorce easier and more acceptable, so that people neglect the heavy price. We need to educate our children (and many adults) how to establish healthy relationships, but that alone is already hard because only very few are capable of doing so.

[ameliadeshane]

I'm surprised he didn't pull out the statistics for sex abuse rates as well. The chances of sex abuse skyrockets when non-biological parents enter the home.

[lathrop]

I had 5 step dads before I hit 10 years old everyone of them beat me or worse. My 6th step day was a good man but mom kicked me out at 14. I lived on the streets till 17 and met my wife and got married at 18. She had twins before I met her. We have been married for 35 years and we still ore in love. My family is my life but I still don’t know how I made it except that my wire is the best thing that ever happened to me. Then god gave us grandkids and life is even better.

[demonicaxeman]

Peterson hits the nail on the head here. I am an example of someone who got married at 21 (10 years ago) to a woman who already had a child. I became a stepfather instantly. Not realizing what I was getting myself into, I learned the hard way of the reality of life. If you get into a relationship with a woman who already has a child, you are instantly in second place in her mind. She will prioritize the livelihood of that child before you (That's not a bad thing), BUT, the takeaway from that is that there is a decline in market value that I had no clue. We eventually had a child of our own. As a result of all of this, both myself and my wife lived in growing resentment towards each other over the years. The marriage ended after 8 years in a horrible series of events, but now we have a very diplomatic relationship in dealing with the 2 kids now. After going through all that, I learned that it is never a good idea to get into relationships with single mothers. They are not bad people (power to the ones who take care of their kids), but if you want a partner fully invested in you, it's best if they don't already have another person they put as their top priority. You have to understand this is true about men and women who get married with no children in the first place. Once you start having children, the family dynamic will indefinitely change. You are no longer priority, the kids will be. This not an attack on anyone or anything, it's just wisdom I have learned.

[oreilly]

On that cheerful note...

Class Dismissed

[trevorfrayne]

Being that I'm an adult child of divorce, I see a lot of points on this. Both from my experience and what I have observed of my parents. I'm 47 now. I just had my Dad pass away. There are still issues in my family from my parents' divorce in 1988. And I don't think some of it will ever get resolved. My parents were never at peace with what happens and it was never peaceful.

[swizzzy]

If you are thinking of divorce, do this little exercise first. Look at your kids and try to guess which kid will commit suicide, which will become a drug addict, which one will develop a seething hatred for you. I am 45 and am just starting to discover the effect divorce has had on my life. 1978 was when my parents divorced. I am starting to have strange nightmares about the divorce, my partner at work is going through a divorce and I had a severe anxiety attack when I heard about it. So many things that I could not figure out why, why so terrified of abandonment, why trying to fix everything, why deep resentment towards my dad... so many damned things! I especially see what was lost in my parents divorce. All the time of just having your parents just there, nothing special, just together. I never learned how to work things out in a relationship, never got to see mom and dad struggle through all the stuff my kids have seen my wife and I struggle through...so much damned loss.

Oh, and my brother committed suicide almost 10 years ago... he was so bitter at my dad. He actually calculated how much time he missed out on with my dad and then sent my dad a bill. No kidding. And my dad was a pretty nice dad... just off doing his own life after the divorce. My brother’s hatred just grew and grew towards him. I think my brother committed suicide as a fuck you to my mom and dad.

Don’t get divorced.

[kathrynmolesa]

The price of divorce is insecure children.

[debrawehrly]

People need to make better choices when it comes to choosing a life partner

[MrWolfTickets]

I listened to 10 years of 'Loveline' and that gives 1000s of vivid examples of how crucial it is, for kids, to stay together and put everything you can into them.

[TheCalvertfamily]

Funny how he's fiddling his wedding ring on and off while talking about divorce at 3:30.

[heiko]

I've divorced and it has certainly been one necessary step for me to recover from a mental crisis (burnout, depression). The relationship with my wife had never been solid, and today I see this and understand the reasons why. At the point of marriage, I had not seen the shadows in me, and until today my ex-wife isn’t able to see her own shadows.

We have indeed negotiated into a peaceful arrangement, and so I'd always do it again. Today I have a partner that I love, my children see what a relationship between man and woman can actually be like (warm and tender).

This is way better than the bad marriage that I’ve had before. And now one of my main goals is to help my children grow and understand themselves well enough, before they would want to marry another person themselves.