Why Cant I Handle Praise ?

Non-autistic folks often dislike the way I handle praise or success & they tell me so! Why do so many people like me find accepting compliments or good news so difficult?
#EngageAutism #AutismAcceptance #actuallyautistic

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00:00 Intro
01:48 Core Traits
02:52 Alexithymia
03:40 Getting to the truth
04:57 Or maybe?
06:64 Spiky
07:40 Worth it
09:49 Joint effort

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[autiejedi]

I agree with you and others here that when you're often criticized it's hard to believe you're worthy of praise, even when deserved. Imposter syndrome is something I suffer with.

Well done on your million views! Your hard work and dedication is obvious in every video you make, and we appreciate it. 💜

[theghcu]

This hit home, and hard. Every experience you described, I share as an ADHD/Autistic.

I can make a thing. I can feel happy/relieved that I have finished making the thing. I can appreciate the thing. I can get joy from using the thing. I can even find my quality of work in building it acceptable. I can show someone else the thing, and enjoy them saying how cool the thing is. When they point out that I came up with and made the thing, my brain just goes "weird right?" It is like the sense of success and the dopamine that goes with it is no different from scratching off an item on a grocery list when I put it in the basket. Failure feels like getting beat down hard, but success just feels like a matter of fact that no one cares about. Getting praised about success feels like walking into a baited trap, or being set up for some very unrealistic expectations yet to come.

There is also the other side of it. Success as part of a team. When I do something that contributes to the success of the team, the team is praised, only the team. If I fail at something as part of the team, I get scrutinized, only me, even if it was a group failure. Both feel very wrong to me, even though I can't actually "feel good" about the praise.

I always come back to something my mother told me once when I was young, still in primary/elementary school I think. "You have no sense of accomplishment." She said it with a very concerned expression on her face, like it troubled her. As far as I can tell it is the only emotion that I don't think I can experience.

[Fittiboy]

I find myself appreciating praise very little at best, and it usually makes me uncomfortable. But if someone praises the outcome of my work, instead of me as a person, it feels very nice.
I generally create things out of an appreciation for the beauty of some underlying complexity, or because some specific way of approaching a problem feels elegant. When someone comments on this quality that draws me to my work in the first place, that's the best compliment I could ever receive!
When I try to point out something cool that I learned while building a project, and I'm just told "your brain is huge, " I can't help but feel disappointed. Doubly so, once I realize that I "should" appreciate the compliment.

[smartsmartie]

If anyone mentions my name I get uncomfortable and when I get praised even more so... I just want to disappear in social situations

[nozhki-busha]

I am like this when people praise me, it just makes me feel awkward. There is also an element for me of thinking deep down I dont deserve that praise too. Probably impostor syndrome involved. Probably no surprise, but I am autistic too. Oh and congratulations Quinn on the million milestone!

[wingofafly]

I play in a band and one day at practice, the drummer said to me, "I like what you were doing in that song." My response: "I'm not sure it fits with the vocals." The thing is, it's a really cool bit of music that I wrote, which I was really happy with, but the moment I get a compliment about it, I immediately focus on a potential negative and can't accept the positive. Anything I do could be absolutely amazing, but if it's not some idealised version of perfect, I can't accept a compliment.

[davidbonar]

i can only really take praise when
- the praising person actually knows what they are talking about, a "peer review" so to speak and not a superficial or condescending thumbs up or smiley face
- the praise isn't phony or forced or performative or transactional, like unctuous love bombing flattery to inflate my ego or get away with something or as a distraction
- the praise aligns with my perception, if i get praised for doing something i do not like doing or for results i'm not satisfied with, or even something i didn't even achieve or some weird fluke... i am very ungracious with praise :) but sometimes it hits home

[markwalton]

This hits home hard. I hate receiving what I judge to be false praise. My bias towards detecting false praise by others makes me do a doubletake on any genuine praise given to me. By the time I realize the praise was genuine, the delayed response ruins the moment.

[wendyfollett]

Hi Quinn! Just wanted to say that your channel helped me to realise that I am autistic. I'm 65 years old and got my formal diagnosis 10 days ago. My biggest surprise was that I am alexythymic so not I'm busy re watching your videos on it. You have been the clearest and most relatable person and your videos brought so much clarity. My assessor said that I am too hard on myself but I believe that I set myself high standards. I don’t want ill considered praise. What I can tell you is that those 1 million views have probably helped more than just me and that your content is well reasoned and communicated clearly. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for bringing me safely to a point where I feel seen and understood. I will be part of your next million as I join you on this journey ❤

[BooBooBugalugs]

Congratulations! Those views are validation that it is worth the effort and that you are helping people. You deserve many millions more.

[naturalworldrelaxation]

I love the way you put pauses in what you are saying, it makes it so much easier to understand the information you are giving. I wish everyone did that

[PowerMechGuyTechMasterEarl]

This video was incredibly impactful. I have been searching for documentation or articles on this experience and nothing has come this close to describing it in a way that felt relatable. When you spoke of numbers, I immediately felt a sense of solidarity. I have been struggling heavily with appreciating my own accomplishments and it wasn't until I started tracking things that I was able to work out what I could actually be proud of. The records of achievement were in, as you so eloquently put it, "currency that means something to me."

Thank you for taking such great care to bring clarity and understanding to the autistic experience. And congratulations on 1, 000, 000 views.

[tmort]

The goal that is “objective” and “technically achievable” hits home.

Call it childhood trauma or whatever, but many of us learn to strife for goals that are cleaned of needing other people to “rate” us.

When you get praised for doing something trivially easy and overlooked for the thing you poured your heart, soul, and tears into you get broken. The system is broken.
Eventually I learned to mask around the fake praise being the social construct that it is. Does not make it any less meaningless, but it does remove a lot other awkwardness.
It also makes it hard when your brain is binary. One of my favorite quotes is Yoda’s “Do, or do not, there is no try”. If I set out to do a task I fully expect to succeed and will consider it a failure if I don’t. If I know I cannot do it, I will not even bother. Which also makes it pointless to praise, because I assumed success before even starting.

All that said, the other day I achieved a life goal, one that was 99% depending on “making it in the normal world”. It hits so hard when you made it to adulthood without learning to process the emotion of success. Typing this caused a 1minute break as tears started flowing. It is still extremely overwhelming. I don’t need to share this with my loved ones, but it feels awkwardly fitting in this comment.

PS: really enjoy your videos for your linguistic mastery. It it obvious that wordsmithing is something you care about. And if not, you should reflect a little and see how you feel about it. Such a skill is quite rare.

[rebeccabailey]

My mind just goes blank and I don’t know what to say. Later I ruminate about what I should have said and done.

[AncTreat]

Sincere heartfelt congratulations on your 1M view achievement for your channel, Quinn!

And thank you for taking this as an opportunity to delve into another aspect of autistic living experiences.

[CharlotteMillet-ndst]

Oh the "not safe" alarm that go on when someone praise me ... I always feels off.
But for the sake of the exercise "I do not know you very much yet but I hear how important it is to you and it makes me feel happy for you" I understand.
And for what's worth you make me feel better since I watch your video. Whether I am on the spectrum or not I am grateful you and your message exists.

[ryutak]

I relate quite a lot to this. I struggle to accept compliments and if people keep pushing I'll just agree with them to keep the peace but I don't feel it. One way I disregard compliments is by seeing the logic that doesn't quite make sense. For example, someone might say "You're so talented" talent is something you're born with I worked very hard for this so this compliment doesn't count. In reality they probably just mean that my skills or abilities are impressive and exceptional.

[ZapatosVibes]

"This looks like a celebration, an autistic one" bro, I felt that xD

[darrenpaches]

Always tried to ignore insults because they don't mean anything. Same logic used for compliments.

[jamesrempel]

When people praise me or say nice things, even "I love you" from my sister, I feel like something is demanded of me. Now I *have* to reply in a certain way, show a certain expression on my face, or reciprocate. And it's too much; I end up freezing.