STOP SAYING 'GOOD JOB': How Montessori Parents Praise their Kids | Growth Mindset vs Fixed Mindset

Stop saying GOOD JOB to your child and Praise WISELY! | The problem with praise

For over a decade Carol Dweck, professor of psychology at Stanford University and her team studied the effects of praise on students.
Dr Dweck wanted to look at how subtle difference in the way that they were praised effects the students mindset and performance.

Saying “Good job” to your child may not be the best praise phrase. It may even be harmful.

In this video, I talk about what happens within children when we say empty compliments like “good job”, as well as what happens when we praise their efforts.
I give you examples of situations where you’d typically say “good job!” or give some form of praise to your child, and I’ll share some simple phrases you can say instead.

// References //

MONTESSORI AT HOME: The problem with praise (+ What to say instead!)

Stop Saying Good Job

Carol Dweck - A Study on Praise and Mindsets

Carol Dweck on "Process praise"

Developing a Growth Mindset with Carol Dweck

Parental praise and children’s exploration: a virtual reality experiment (2022)

How to Praise Your Children (2007)

Praise vs. Acknowledgment in a Montessori Home (2019)

The effects of praise: 7 evidence-based tips for using praise wisely (2019)

Parenting: Don't Praise Your Children!

Are You Overpraising Your Child? (2020)

Good Job: Why It’s Not Used in the Montessori Classroom (2021)

Montessori alternatives to praise (2020)

Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!” (2001)

A MONTESSORI APPROACH TO PRAISE (2017)

Why Good Job is Harmful (2019)

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[cmwHisArtist]

I still remember a time when I was ten and finally cleaned my room after much nagging by my mom. She took me to my doorway, and told me to look at how well I did each part of the task, how nice it looked, and to appreciate how much more pleasant it was to be in there and be able to find things. I continue to have that satisfaction with common tasks, and I’m 75.

[heather]

As a "gifted" child (literally just a little brighter than average), I was so obsessed with being praised. It was awful when I got to high school and struggled as much as anyone else. I felt like I wasn't smart anymore. It took years to learn that my school grades aren't my self worth. Now that I have a toddler it is so hard to find things to say other than "good job." He amazes me every day, but I don't want him to feel the pressure that I did. My favorite things to say are "You worked hard on that, " "You did it by yourself!" "You should feel proud of how hard you tried." It's taken so much unlearning. This was a great video, thank you.

[xtinedike]

Moral of the story do not just merely give compliments to your child rather give feedback that causes the child to reflect on what they learnt from performing the very exercise, that way the child learns to treat every activity as a learning curve and not a performance based activity ❤

[primalk]

6:08 Don't say anything
6:59 Acknowledge process, not outcome
7:20 Praise for things they can control (effort, attitude, responsibilty, commitment, decision making, compassion, generosity or respect.
8:15 Ask questions
8:35 Describe what you see (you did it!, how do you feel about what you just did?)
9:32 Thank them
9:49 Oppertunity to grow from their setbacks

Thank you for the video! I felt like you repeated yourself and the video starts at around 5 min mark.

[diannalaubenberg]

Encouragement is far better than praise in developing a child's character.

[tchaffman]

I'm a pianist studying at Juilliard but grew up in a house where neither of my parents knew anything about classical music. For a while I thought this was a disadvantage, but coming out of this research I see where actually was the bedrock of my intrinsic motivation and growth mindset, because I wasn't looking for their approval, understanding, or interest in what I was doing, the challenges I was facing, or the obstacles I was overcoming, it was all me.

[ana-mariamelinte]

I am watching this to heal my inner child and to learn how I should treat myself as a grown up. Thank you!

[femalewarrior]

I think that empty praises arises from not having enough time to dedicate to your children! I am a grandma now and I realized I have time to listen to my grandchild and when ever she shows me something for example a drawing: I take the time to ask her… what is it? This looks like water? Is it? She says yes and I ask: is it a lake or the ocean? Are they fish on it ? And ask questions about what she did why she decided to do that drawing… are you happy about the colors ? I noticed she draw a sun … I asked about the sunny day… I don’t feel that you necessarily need to praise them all the time! Some times yes but all the time no, because they will not be praised all the time in real life ! Acknowledgement is what they need more than constant praise!

[JoshTseng]

I know this is a video about parenting, but this has made me re-think how I give feedback to everyone in my life. It's such a small thing but sometimes it's the little things that helps encourage people to gain the confidence to step out of their comfort zone, whether they're 7, 27, or 70.

P.S. I have no children of my own but clicked on the video hoping to learn something new. Very glad I did.

[melaniey]

I read through many of the comments on this video and compiled a list of things we can say to our children instead of, "Good job!" (includes suggestions from the video itself):

-You worked hard on that!
-Thank you for helping me!
-You must have worked so hard to get that score!
-Simply notice what they did, like: "I see that you cleaned up the blocks!"
-You did it!
-You did it by yourself!
-You figured it out!
-You didn't give up!
-It must've felt good to
-That took a lot of patience!
-That was a brave decision!
-How do you feel about what you just did?
-How did you think of that/come up with that idea?
-How does/did that feel?
-That looks like it was fun!
-Did you enjoy it?
-What do you like about it?
-What was your favorite part about ____?
-You should feel proud of how hard you worked!
-How did it feel to share?
-You were so considerate to share with your brother!
-He smiled when you shared with him!
-That's very creative!
-Do you like your drawing?
-What do you like about your drawing?

[amazinggrace]

I used to say (a ing other things) “hard work pays off”. I raised a daughter who went blind in one eye and had a retinal detachment in the other, so after surgery that eye was covered with bandages. Woke up the first night post-op and instead of asking for help, talked herself to the bathroom by saying (referring to a blind friend) “if Rita can do it, I can do it”.

[JOANNEGAILJOHNSON]

As a mother, aunt, teacher, I would ask, “How does that feel?” Increases self-awareness, they self-reflect and begin to notice how they feel about their own efforts and results.

[CCela]

I was praised as a child for being so intelligent. School was so easy for me that i was often bored. I of course got into college but when i encountered challenges i thought i was just bad at it and so i would drop it and just quit. Still as an adult anything challenging that doesn't come easily to me feels like it wasn't meant to be and that's such a terrible way to look at life. I feel paralyzed and unable to make steps towards anything because I'm terrified of difficulty and failure.

[Mariana-uddw]

I was never given praise of any sort from my single parent mum. She only ever criticised every little imperfection. I was so afraid to make a mistake that I would avoid trying even if I could have done it. I was a natural dancer and pursued it as a career. That was the only thing my mum ever used to praise me for in front of other people. I hated it because it took no effort on my part, it was easy. I wanted her to praise me for my excellent grades, effort and diligence in my school work. For me, any praise would have been better than none.

Edit: As a mature woman now, I have learnt that other people's opinion of you doesn't matter, it's what you feel about yourself that counts. Self esteem grows with small accomplishments that snowball into greater ones. The lesson is not to repeat the pattern with your own children or others. Give praise where praise is due and ignite the little light that dwells within that soul. 💖

[joelle]

I really like to say “you did it!” To my nephew. It’s so cute when he does something and then goes “I did it”

[samanthahu]

Makes a lot of sense. I was a child of overused empty praises and I can see how it has made me always feel like i need some sort of validation.

[Myautumnpages]

I’ve been working on this with my 1 year old. I tend to just state what she did in a non-judgmental way. “You cleaned up the blocks!” “You brushed your hair!” Not sure if that’s really the right thing to do but I feel like it also helps with her language skills since I’m giving her the language to express what she’s doing/done.

[Godspeed_]

I’m single without a child, but this is amazing information everyone should know!

[ace]

My parents did not praise or encourage my siblings or myself. They somehow let us know we had to excel. We are all totally neurotic adults.

[Krmpfpks]

This is such a simplified view that it hurts. I know many parents who takes this advice literally and stop complimenting their kids and also stop giving any negative feedback. This causes kids to have no clue at all on how to behave and they turn into horrible brats.
You should communicate your emotions clearly, and if you like their progress you should say so. But yes, always praise progress and tell them you understand the struggle they went through to get it.