My Response to the NYT

No Contact, Therapists & TikTok (New York Times Interview)

NYT Article:

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[patrickteahanofficial]

0:00 NYT (Is Cutting Off Your Family Good Therapy?)
2:44 Therapists and Estrangement
8:10 RRP and Estrangement
15:55 TikTok and Trending
18:41 Final Thoughts
22:43 Outro

[silversleeper]

Estrangement doesn’t hurt the family. The abuse hurt the family.

[BrettTheHauntedSarcastic]

I don't know why no contact is so controversial - if someone outside of our family did to us what our family did, we would cut them off and no one would say boo to us about it. Family is no different.

[paintedcrow]

Arguing that therapists who say "hey, you don't have to keep subjecting yourself to abuse" is violating "foundational ethical principles" because it might affect access to "financial and emotional resources" is like criticizing a cancer surgeon for cutting someone open to remove tissue that's "perfectly alive" because "it can take weeks of pain to heal from a surgery like that! What happened to 'Do No Harm???'"

Abusive parents. An "emotional resource." Wtf. And so many survivors desperately want to STOP receiving checks and gifts from their toxic families.

Imagine if this article were about domestic violence survivors getting away from their abusers. Imagine calling up an interviewee's violent ex to ask for "their side of the story" and then being like "but they caaaan't be an abuser! They go on Buddhist meditation retreats!!!"

What the fuck, NYT.

[wingwmn]

They also failed to note and emphasize in this article that cutting off a parent or family is oftentimes the hardest thing one has to do, and does not at all happen on a whim-- it's usually after multiple outrageously exhausting attempts and giving chances to the abuser for acknowledging the abuse so we can have some sort of relationship at least. But respect goes both ways. You don't demand it, you earn it without expectation. Same with love.

[InspiredByReason]

Im going no contact with New York Times.

[Jlyblylvr]

I think the NYT article with its dismissal of going no contact with abusive family members is another sign that folks who have a lot of power (ie, parents) don’t like seeing people assert and use their own power.

[ashannaredwolf]

Irresponsible journalism is a much worse plague on humanity than children cutting off toxic/abusive parents. That article literally disgusted me.

[junipersages]

As a therapist who went no contact with family due to physical and emotional abuse, it was the best thing I ever did. It created the space for me to heal and to be present with others through their pain.

[zoobalyzoo]

I thought it was wild when that one woman was like yeah I was a mentally ill alcoholic who abused my kids but I led the Girl Scout troop so give me a break. No one looked out for us when we were kids and now that we’re grown and won’t take it anymore they want to paper over it.

[pepperstep]

I couldnt help but roll my eyes when the parents quoted in the article said they were "blindsided." Sure, Jan. What they really mean is that they truly thought they could treat you horribly their whole life without any consequence.

[floramsb]

Hi everyone. I read the NYT article last night. I'm Brazilian, so we have our cultural differences and I'm not sure about the NYT's reputation. I found the article extremely poorly written and biased, as if it had been commissioned by a group of estranged parents. Anyone familiar with Patrick Teahan's work does not see him in the flamboyant way depicted in the article. The author finding the jokes strange is very odd; it's part of the therapist's unconditional acceptance of the patient. My therapist does this with me, and she's not even a specialist in family estrangement. I didn't know that in the US, there's such a strong and conservative idea that we have to stay with our family of origin until the end, no matter what happens. In Brazil, which is an extremely conservative and, I would say, backward country in some aspects, it's a topic that most people take in stride. It's not a tragedy or a big taboo when a child decides to separate from their parents, after all she suffered. I know a lot of people who have done this.

[Purplesomeify]

I felt triggered by the NYT article, as I’ve experienced family therapists who are similar to the journalist who wrote it, who don’t believe that abuse truly exists and retraumatized me by placing the burden for change on me alone, at a time when I was already at a breaking point.

Thank you for pushing back against misinformation and cognitive dissonance.

[gertrudewest]

If a stranger had done to me what my parents did to me, they’d be in jail. I think abuse survivors struggle with healthy boundaries and going no contact is a huge important step in the right direction.

[dc]

Saying that the child shouldn't go no contact with a parent when that parent refuses to get help and have a healthier relationship with the child... is saying that a parent's mental health is not the responsibility of the parent and is the responsibility of the child. That's not fair. That was never fair for the child, and that's not fair for an adult child either.

Every parent is responsible for their own mental health.

Parents mess their kids up and then say "it's your responsibility to radically accept me for being a monster and never wanting to change" and the child is the one at fault here? Sounds like someone wants the authority of a tyrant but the accountability of a toddler when it comes to parenting.

[charissecrenshaw]

Patrick, after watching your video I am immensely impressed by your complete lack of snark or passive aggression or sarcasm or any other shame-fueled reaction to this article. I don’t know how many times you had to record this 😂 but you did an amazing job of clarifying your message without sounding defensive. If anyone doesn’t think you’ve done your own inner work, they can just watch you respond to character assassination in the most “rise above” kind of way I think I’ve ever seen. Bravo.

[SonomaTarot]

Journalists always have to give the appearance of looking at both sides of an issue. They never succeed. This writer Ellen Barry is perpetrator-identified. "So, while you were beating your little boy, did it ever cross your mind that he could permanently escape from you someday?" She might have asked these heart-broken parents questions like that. But no, she is all on about how it's the therapist's fault for tearing apart the family, and how the parents are the victims. I don't buy it. If parents want their children to stay close, they have to quit trying to control and manipulate and abuse. If low-contact and no-contact are a trend in abusive households, I think it's overdue.

[vintagecocoanutgrove]

You can't damage something that doesn't exist. If family is a toxic force, it fails the definition.

[sarahrose]

I tried for OVER A DECADE to help/heal my abusive parent and convince them to treat me like a human being. I'm so so so glad I gave up and decided to focus on saving myself instead of saving my parent-- and for me, that had to mean estrangement. I sincerely hope she's happy and also I'm successful in life now because I've stopped making it my problem. Thank you for sharing this video!

[amberfuchs]

My abuser thinks enmeshment is "love" and boundaries are "abuse"; it's completely twisted and backwards. Her wires are entirely crossed.