Stop 'Shoulding' Yourself Into Anxiety And Depression COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS

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In the field of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) 'should' statements are know as a cognitive distortion. They negativity impact your mental health and contribute to anxiety and depression. Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy or REBT said that commands such as ‘should’, ‘ought’ ‘and must’ contribute to, and maintain, psychological distress. Psychologist Clayton Barbeau called it 'shoulding yourself'.

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🔵 CHAPTERS

0:00 'Should' statements explained
0:50 Albert Ellis and 'should' statements
1:52 Karen Horney and the tyranny of the should
2:40 Step 1: Unhook from 'shoulds'
3:13 Step 2: Unhook from 'should's

🔵 CBT BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS

🔵 The psychoanalyst Karen Honey named this experience, the “tyranny of the should’. Horney believed that ‘should’ commands cause disturbance because they generate a split between your ‘real self’,(who you really are) and your ‘Ideal self’ (who you strive to be). You ideal self is actually created out of your ‘should’ commands’. The the ideal self is not a positive goal as it is unrealistic and an impossible standard. It can make you feel that your real self is flawed. Horney explains the aim of psychological therapy is to help you let go of the ‘should commands’ and to be who you really are, your real self, not an idealised version of yourself.

The first step of letting go of your should commands is to notice them. You may want to write them down. It can also be helpful to analysis were they come from, For example, if you notice the should command ‘Men don’t cry’ you might recognise you internalised that from your dad. This process of internalising others opinions or beliefs is called introjection. It’s important to ask yourself, where does this ‘should’ come from and does it fit with my current values?

It’s also helpful to experiment converting your should statements to preferences such as: I want to, I chose to and I will. Instead of saying of saying, ‘I shouldn’t’ cry’ it would be more helpful to say ‘I will allow myself to cry’. You could change, ’I should lose weight’ to ‘I will lose weight’. Or ‘I should have a better job’ to ‘I chose to get a better job’. Do you notice the difference? The should statements sound like you’re putting pressure on yourself and the preferences feel lighter and indicate a decision or a goal.

🔵 ABOUT TERESA LEWIS

Teresa Lewis is the founder and Director of Lewis Psychology and a Senior Accredited psychotherapist with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (MBACP Snr. Accred). Qualified in 1995, Teresa has been providing counselling and psychotherapy treatment for nearly 30 years. Teresa holds a masters degree in counselling and psychotherapy and is a qualified EMDR Practitioner having completed training accredited with EMDR Europe. Teresa is also a qualified adult educator and an accredited Mindfulness teacher As a recognised expert in her field Teresa is frequently asked to conduct editorial reviews and endorse counselling and psychotherapy books for international publishing houses.

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