High Conflict Child Custody: Extracurriculars

I cover enrolling children in extracurricular activities.

I'm not an attorney. Nothing in this video is intended to constitute legal advice.

[kingsagenda]

Ex volunteers as a coach, although he knows very little about coaching. It just makes him look good. Anyways he will just volunteer, so he will be at each game and practice. The court will most likely honor that and not keep him from volunteering. I wear a bodycam now everywhere I go when he will be there.

[kelliegraff]

where do i even find any responses? I'M an abuse VICTIM trying to survive and to SAVE MY KIDS AND START A FOUNDATION FOR KIDS SUFFERING LIKE MYSELF AND MORE IMPORTANTLY MY DAUGHTER AND MY OTHER GROWN CHILDREN!! IM NOT FROM CALIFORNIA IM FROM Vermont and since 2003 it clearly shows it all the time line

[crystalcoffey]

I have had my child take two allergist test! Because the other parent says she’s allergic to horses. Lord have mercy now he’s suing me for medical decision making. It’s madness! My daughter is six she loves horse back riding. They are trying to control us. Saying l am selfish, ignorant l am not scheduling on their parenting time. I have been reasonable through this all.

[dubjohnston]

my ex wants to put a clause in child custody that we both do 'best endeavours to do extra curricular activities together', not a chance. She struggles and I'd rather her no where near me. I have agreed to doing swimming lessons as I take my 2 yr and its a seperate pool in the same large complex. And ive agreed mainly as final orders havent been handed down and I want to show Im doing everything i can for the kids. I know she will say that I ruined their swimming lessons and that if they drown it will be my fault. I'm saving totally paralell parenting for post final orders as judge has in her head (been to 4 interim hearings already) that we should be able to co-parent. Judge doesnt get it and ive filed 4 affidavits showing my ex's inability very clearly

[ctosti]

This is my favorite. My ex takes the kids to karate. In the order it states “if you do not consult with the other parent that parent is responsible 100% of the cost” my ex put it in his opposition for contempt that I don’t help with the costs. Here is the clincher. His parents pay for the classes and not one email EVER asking if I want to participate. This should be fun.

[tganglife]

Here my issue. Dad only sees his child everyother sat 1pm into sun.6pm.
Mother has kid in dance which runs til 2.30 on sats so by the time we get home its 3pm. Then has to be back at dance at 1030am til 230pm on sundays leaving literally no time to spend with the child. She also has her on gymnastics, girl scouts, basketball, she goes to the ymca, tutoring, and most recently summer school program. The mother is stacking all these activities leaving father with about 8 hours actual time spent. No summer vacations. No fri-sun. He has the LITERAL BARE MINIMUM.

[kelliegraff]

STOP ENCOURAGING YOUR ADVICE IF IT'S GOING TO POTENTIALLY BE WASTING THE ONLY STRENGTH I HAVE LEFT TO FIGHT FOR MY LIFE AND GET MY KIDS TO

[kelliegraff]

CRAZY UNBELIEVABLE ACTS TO BRING ATTENTION TO MY PLEADINGS!!! PEOPLE DO NOT GET IT!! ONLY WHEN SOMETHING DRASTICALLY HAPPENS DOES ANYONE TAKE SO TELL ME WHY???? TRAGIC LIVES ARE LOST INNOCENT . WHY??? THAT IS WHEN ABD ONLY WHEN PEOPLE CAN SEE!!!!

[ashleywoodworth-bown]

I watched this on your suggestion and it really helped me to plan my approach to this issue in our case. Thank you!

[kellys.]

Alex, this is STUPIDLY long. I’m sorry! I had a lot to say... :)

Extra curricular activities are such a slippery slope, and, as we have discovered, it gets all the more slippery as your children get older. Bear with me here - this is going to be a really long comment - but I’d like to use our oldest daughter and her activity of choice as an example.

So, back when my husband was married to our daughter’s mother, the activity both mother and daughter chose for her to pursue was cheerleading. And not just normal sideline cheer - competition cheer. For those of you who aren’t familiar with it, Comp Cheer is arguably one of the more expensive activities kids can choose to do; depending on whether the squad is a recreational or all-star squad, you can expect to pay anywhere from $250/month to $1000/month in normal fees during the season (and I’ve heard it can be even more expensive for the most elite squads.) In our case, this price, while steep, usually covers most things our daughter needs to participate in cheerleading.

However, what those monthly costs do NOT cover are the expenses associated with travel, dining, accommodations, and entry fees for the rest of our family when we attend the cheer competitions our daughter competes in, which can be as close as an hour away or far enough to require plane tickets. Usually the competition itself costs $20-30 a day per person. Add to that the typical costs of hotel rooms and restaurant meals and it gets steep.

Based on our calculations, the amount of credit card debt my husband and I have accrued specifically because of our daughter’s participation in competition cheerleading is in the thousands. Like, between $5k-10k, easy. So you may be asking why we don’t just pull her out of it. We’ve got primary custody and legal tie breaker - we could always just force her to quit.

Here’s that slippery slope I mentioned...

The reason we choose not to prevent her participation in comp cheerleading is complex, but the largest over-arching reason is because, now, after six years involved in this activity, our daughter LOVES it. And she’s good at it. Really good. After everything else that has fallen apart around our kids in the last few years, forcing her out of the sport she loves would be a punishment and a loss that could dramatically change her sense of self. However, there ARE changes that have occurred. For example, because the majority of this season’s competitions occur during our daughter’s mother’s access time, my husband notified the cheer coaches that we would not be enrolling our daughter this year at all, nor would we be paying the bill, which we have had to cover entirely in the past. Her mother would be responsible for both the enrollment and the price tag. We did agree to get our daughter to any weekly practices that fall during the school week, which is our time.

There are other potential benefits with extracurricular activities that can provide you a strong link to your child and a possible leg up on your former spouse. Over the years, our daughter’s coaches have become our good friends - one of them actually testified on our behalf at our custody modification hearing - so they have been profoundly supportive. Also, after three years of being a “cheer mom, ” I have a far stronger connection to the other cheer moms than our daughter’s mother does, and all of them adore my husband for being such a supportive cheer dad. If you also have a high conflict ex, you might be surprised to find out how disconnected they are from the community surrounding the sport/activity. Based on our experience, it’s unlikely that a HC parent would have a super-strong bond with the coaches or other parents.

I know this comment is long and rambling and obviously really subjective to our situation, but I guess I just wanted to say that extracurricular activities (especially for older children, ) can often be a lifeline during divorce and custody challenges. If you can find a way to embrace it, your kid will remember and appreciate your enthusiasm, and your ex will likely be endlessly irritated that he/she didn’t piss you off the way they had planned to by enrolling your child in the first place.

[VegasRealEstateFacts]

I am currently running to this issue..the EX is denying the kid and saying she will only take him on her time when she feels like it...she does not do anything with the kid (never has in the past 10 years)..my kid wants to be around his friends and activities and she is not doing anything for him...in fact another reason is she knows the other parents know she was cheating in the relationship and was having an affair and she is embarrassed to go around them as well but again making the kid pay for her bad decisions....we even offered to take care of transportation and she still refused...we have not seen a judge yet and I am hoping the judge forces her to do things with the kid as it is in the best interest of the kid to be active and grow and develope.

[angelbarrios]

I have an ex sister-in-law who is a narcissistic psychopathic maniac who does everything to have more control over my brothers daughters custody. She has thrown my father in jail with false accusations while my mother was in her deathbed and has caused Emotional distress to the entire family. Now she continues with even more out rages accusations to the point where she has detectives harassing my brother. is this a case extreme enough?

[kelliegraff]

I am struggling to contact The proper person because IT'S Now!! I'm the one who REALLY, REALLY, DESPERATELY NEEDS YOUR

[kicksalot]

My problem is she filed, I still love her and it's so hard to see and be around her when she doesn't feel the same anymore. And we have three kids our youngest is only 1year old and he usually needs to be in bed during our older children's extracurricular activities. I have no clue how I will manage all three kids school and after school activities once I'm a single dad with out the help of my former spouse. And I really don't want to be at activities with her on my days with the kids.

[kelliegraff]

Every second is critical and no one CARES!! WTF!!! I'M BEING I'M NOT FEELING WELL AND TELL ME HOW TO SIT BACK AND WATCH MY DAUGHTER BEING SHE'S IN SERIOUS CRITICAL DANGER AND THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME OR ANY ONE

[kelliegraff]

I'M ALL ALONE. I NEED HELP FOR MOTHER AND CHILD

[anm]

I relate to this! My ex actually rages at appointments and in public

[kelliegraff]

DON'T CLAIM TO BE OR CAN DO SOMETHING YOU CAN'T!! THIS IS MY CHILDREN'S LIVES AND MY

[amandacurtis]

Thank you! He took our daughter out of activities that she has been in for a few years during both our visitation times. Now he won't let her have activities on his time because it "disruptes his family" since we are now going to court for modification so I can't see her at activities. If she was in it in the past without issues can I fight that?

[kelliegraff]

IM GOING TO KEEP ON DOING ANYTHING I THINK WILL GET SOMEONES ATTENTION NO MATTER WHAT I HAVE TO