The Conditions of Love

When looking at the odder aspects of other people’s and our own behaviour, there is one simple-sounding question we should always keep close to the front of our minds: what did you need to do in your family of origin in order to be loved? and might you still, by extension, unconsciously be operating under these conditions.

FURTHER READING

“When looking at the odder aspects of other people’s and our own behaviour, there is one simple-sounding question we should always keep close to the front of our minds: what did you need to do in your family of origin in order to get noticed, cared for and loved? What conditions of love did you grow up with - and might you still, by extension, unconsciously therefore be operating under (for it can take our deep minds a very long time indeed to recognise that they are no longer subject to a parental aegis)? …”

MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE

Watch more films on RELATIONSHIPS in our playlist:

SOCIAL MEDIA

Feel free to follow us at the links below:

CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Mike Booth

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Graeme Probert

[moralebooster]

I discovered the other day that empowerment doesn't happen when we grow up, but when we realize we are grown up.

[Gabriele-dfon]

In my childhood, it was important to be invisible. There was nothing to do for me to feel loved. Just be invisible.

[Akumeitakai]

"Of all the Virtues, LOVE is the most conditional."

[josiee]

I've noticed the people that are most confident grew up in an environment without blame and fear. They could speak their minds and felt heard. I wish I had that so much. Unfortunately, parents can be flawed because they are ultimately human. Doesn't take away the sting of rejection though.

[mohitnagpal]

"Impress the world or I will ignore you" aka people pleasing.

Still suffering from it. Have zero self esteem. Never had money in childhood. When finally got job in adulthood, everyone tried to take it from me, even the rich one. And traumas compounding over time.

Your videos is my window to the reality.

Thank You!

[Jenesis]

My mom had 3 kids in 2.5 years. She had her hands full. I was not a clingy first born, which was a relief for her. My independence later became problematic because I didn’t listen to her or behave the way she liked. I respect her roll as a mother and i repay her by caring for her (she’s 86) but I don’t count on her to love me. I love me and that’s enough.

[rosettesionne]

"Either you conform to my idea of you or I will treat you as the most defective human being that ever existed in the planet." It was never overtly told but covertly people keep attacking my sanity or asking if I was sick. They made me belive that who I am was defective and that it is only by pleasing them that I am worthy. Till now I still hear these words and it takes me a great level of patience to not react.

[DannyHuanDao]

Some parents are just diabolical! Every child deserves to have parents but not every parents deserve a child.

[deohenge]

"Do what I tell you to and never question me or our family religion" was a favorite condition of love in our household. Decades later, all of my siblings and I struggle with planning for the future and none of us are comfortable discussing anything controversial with him.

[Evilwetness]

God, I do enjoy and appreciate this channel ❤

[nadahashim]

Dont be needy, your mom is sad and tired dont make her sadder. Your dad is stresses, you can express anything but being an A student all the time. You cant be anything but perfect

[leightonolsson]

Unconditional love is ultimately a fallacy. However, a good parent gives something very very close indeed, and can provide a core of security and a basis for self love. It doesn't mean the parent is perfect or the childhood will be always happy, or that adulthood will not be difficult (genetics don't always help) and challenging. It takes words and actions, and not shying away from complex and distressing discussions and emotions in the relationship, not just a good example to follow

[Leo-mrqz]

Growing up in an alcohol ridden family, I learned that I was on my own from the get-go. 💔

[Full-Wisdom]

The question about what we had to do in our family of origin to get noticed, cared for and loved really hits deep. It?s fascinating yet a bit sad to think that so much of our actions today could be just us trying to fulfill those childhood needs in some form. The idea that we might be unconsciously operating under the conditions of love we grew up with is such a powerful insight. Really eye-opening content that makes us reflect on our own lives and motivations.

[petewilliams]

Because it all stems from childhood trauma, I pretty much always relate to these excellent vids. That said, I try but I don't seem to change.

[ShweWuttHmoneOo-jpdp]

I grew up in the household where being incessantly bombarded with disturbing pressure to outperform and outsmart academically as a mean to elevate the family's status. Later, the more I age, the more I staggeringly realize how this narrative had been deeply ingrained and coded in my psyche like a strand of DNA to be impeccable at any coasts. No wonder as I was involuntarily subjected to this condition, I have been struggling with low self-esteem and people pleasing tendency during adulthood.

[deepaksubramony]

I am in love with this voice. I don't know if it is an actual human voice or a computer-generated one, but it is so calm, so wise, so cultured, so ageless.

[ladyzeeist]

The "What did I have to do to get noticed and attention" really hit hard😢😢😢. Its given me some food for thoughts for later tonight.
The take away from this is not every person should have beem a parent😢😢😢😢 sad reality!

[lucameleleo]

Please share this video with everyone you know. This is so so so important

[emilychidziwo]

We can seek out attention and care for what is in line with our true needs. The privilege of adulthood is to be able to find our way to our own less distorted, less cruel conditions of love.