Getting REAL About the Struggle To Make Friends When You Have ADHD

Hello, Brains! It's often difficult for a lot of us to make and maintain friends, so I wanted to open up about my experiences with friendships... and get Caroline's take on it!

Socials: @authorcarolinem

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Music credits:
"Life of Riley", "Montauk Point", "The Show Must Be Go”
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0

[itsgonnabeokai]

It keeps blowing my mind that I look at people and think "omg they're way cooler than me and so confident and would never want to talk to me" and then discover that they're just as insecure

[findingaway]

My favorite kind of friends are friends you can do life with. Run errands. Hang out at a house with friends and their kids. Stand in their messy kitchen with them while they wash dishes and chat.

[testimonyolusanya]

I don't usually comment but this video was PAINFULLY relatable. It's good to know I'm not the only one who has these thoughts

[TheSensationalMr.Science]

Negative vs. Positive Traits

awkward = cute, funny
weird = unique
boring = stable
annoying = loyal
too much = bubbly, energetic
overly-emotional = deeply caring
too sensitive = observant

just a list of traits to show that if you feel like this... there is always another side to the coin.

Hope you have a great day & Safe Travels!

[Purple___]

I always felt like the drunk guy in a room full of sober people. Missing social cues, trying to make someone laugh by putting a lamp shade on my head. Never understood the conversation people were having.

As I got older and realized this didnt work I shut down and said nothing to anyone. Painfully awkward.

[Acceleronics]

My diagnosis includes both ADHD and autism. I don't know how to make friends, but my autistic part isn't really interested in making friends, so it all works out. There's an old joke - "I live in my own little world. But it's okay, they know me here."

[thehoodedcow]

When she said she feels like she has to prove herself in every social situation, I felt that. I always feel like I have to prove myself, and I've slowly been starting to learn/realize that I'm not a problem, but it's so hard. I don't want to "take take take take take" in friendship, but I don't know what I can do for my friends out of a genuine heart so that it's "even/equal" put into the relationship.

[nehamaw]

Making friends is hard but it's also hard to recognise when it's a good friend or not. So often I've felt close to someone who didn't feel the same... Or had toxic friendships but because that's all I knew I didn't question it.

[wrdguy]

My God. I always never knew, the hurt I felt could be felt by someone as great as you. I'm a Grandpa. If my parents and teachers had resources like this channel, my life would have been different 💯

And you are changing lives. My grandchild has benefitted from _your_ advice.

[stad]

For me, it’s always really hard because I’m always masking. So I feel like my friends (few and far between) don’t actually like me, they like who I present as. And I every time I have been myself in front of a friend, I’m “too much.” So I’m really working on not masking as much.

[toni]

Personally, I tend to be drawn towards other people with ADHD and I think that it's because the conversations tend to flow a bit more easily, I like creative people and learning new information so that tends to fit, and I also like to move a bit so it's nice to spend time with people who like being active.

[deluxe]

"Bottom of the group", "boring", "annoying"...I have used similar words about this topic so often. You aren't alone in your experience. It's also why I feel extra connected with your content and voice. I hope you are able to shift your self-talk to be more kind to yourself. That has been so helpful for me. I have also found friends that understand how much I need some extra reassurance from time to time. ((hugs))

[puppypoet]

I'm 42 and have struggled with friendships my whole life. It's so funny but I would have been on Cloud 9 to have a friend like Jessica.

[ktburger]

Hearing that even smart, beautiful Jessica feels this way, and seeing so many comments saying the same, is so sad but helpful at the same time. So many of us feel this way! I don’t feel so alone. Maybe even the people I feel intimidated by feel this way, so I don’t have to worry so much!

[averillhanson]

I’m a therapist and Caroline just talked you through the steps of CBT beautifully!
1. Tracking triggers
2. Thought reframing
3. Behaviour experiments

[ellaneruda]

19:34 The affirmations she was saying (“I am empathetic, I am creative”) remind my of the affirmations I started singing to myself before I start work (in my car before I go in)

It came to me when I was listening to that TikTok sound “I can be brown I can be blue I can be violet sky I can be purple I can be hurtful I can be anything you like” (Sarah Cothran’s cover of Grace Kelley)

And I loved how it repeated over and over again, and she changed which part of the vocals she was doing. So I made my own version which is “I can be strong. I can be brave. I can be patient and kind. I can be thoughtful. I can be hopeful. I can be anything I like” and it repeats in the different way she sang it (low part, mid part, high part, etc).

I really like that song and I really like repetition so it has really helped me get in the right headspace as someone who doesn’t personally feel very comfortable just saying personal affirmations.

[kaliu]

Spoiler alert - it's you, the person.* The single most valuable thing a YouTuber can have is a great genuine fun *kind* personality - and you're killing it! I am sure other people can do all the research and be passionate about ADHD and explain it well, or, who knows, maybe even better. But what you have created here is a Community. We follow you not just for the knowledge and the fun way you convey it, we follow you because you are one of us, you share your own experience, and your struggles, and your journey, and you are open and vulnerable with us in a way not every educational YouTube channel is! You're great, heck, you're AMAZING at what you do, and that's both being a specialist in ADHD and an awesome YouTuber, but, most importantly, you're a loved and cherished member of the community that you work so, so hard to make better! Thank you for your service and PLEASE don't think you're just some random person that happened to do this! (Or else! *stern look*)

*Side note, I literally interrupted watching the video at the ~8 min mark to write this comment cuz OMG I so want you to know this!!! AAAA!!! YOU GOTTA BE TOLD AND IF NOBODY ELSE DOES IT THEN I WILL!!!

Edit: I am now at the ~17 min mark and I just wanna give you a massive hug ;..; You're AWESOME, ok?? I can't imagine you being a "bad" friend because you care so much about us, complete strangers on the internet that happen to have the same issues that you have, so how would you not apply this to your real life relationships?!

[dwidlund]

I’m 53, diagnosed at 43. I went for years without understanding what ADHD was. I knew the DSM description, but there’s not much you can use in that. I got a new therapist (with ADHD) about six years ago and one of the first things she did was to send a link to your channel. I spent hours the first day watching all of the videos. You can’t imagine how much it helped me to like and to understand myself. When I hear how you’re not giving yourself credit for what you’ve done, despite being neurodivergent, my jaw drops. You’ve made so much, helped so many, and grown and grown during it all.

You are THE expert for what you do! Nobody else could have done it.

[LaundryFaerie]

I'm going to share a social awkwardness moment. When I was in fifth grade, my mother would send me to school with money to buy lunch. I would almost always get a little bit of change back and it used to bother me to carry it around in my pockets all day. I didn't like the sound of the coins rubbing against each other in my pocket. One day at recess, I decided the best way of getting rid of this annoyance was to walk around randomly handing change to people so I could get it out of my pocket. (Hey, it made sense to my 9-year-old brain.) Because I hadn't been popular at that school, as I hadn't been popular at my previous school, one of the boys started making fun of me and accusing me of trying to buy friends. So I stopped giving my change away, went out to the far end of the playing field, kicked a hole in the dirt and buried my change rather than have it sit in my pockets.

I wasn't officially diagnosed with ADHD until I was 50 years old, but all the signs were there. Including the social awkwardness, which I still live with. And I still don't like carrying change in my pockets, but now I have a wallet! ❤

It feels like there's a good analogy here... we have things of value to offer the world, but sometimes we assume those things of value are not worthwhile because we don't personally value them. And there will always be people who make fun of us for trying to offer others what we have, but that doesn't mean what we have is not of value, nor does it mean that literally burying our talents is the only other option.

[ruaoneill]

I related so hard to this, it was painful but also healing to watch.
It's heartbreaking to hear how low Jessica's self-esteem is, and when she said something to the effect of 'anyone can do what I do' re this channel, I was stunned. Sure and anyone could paint the Mona Lisa as well, no big deal Leo... lol.
Does Jess even realise the huge positive impact she's had on so many lives? I don't know if I'd have gotten a diagnosis without this channel!