Chief, this guy has no social media - A Greentext Story

Chief, this guy has no social media
No job record
No pictures
No girlfriend
He's a ghost

[khandovarbalest]

And then they pulled his browsing record from the household router.
Nothing could prepare them for what was there.

[Grayfox]

"There! Right there, Chief, on that internet forum! A detailed plan to commit various acts of terrorism!"
"Nah, look at the last line, this is for Minecraft. My kid plays that."
"Damn, back to square one, Chief."

[atelierbohemand]

I remember in one of my classes for criminal justice I learned that couch surfers and shut-ins are basically invisible and harder to find than homeless people because homeless people have areas they frequent and buildings/stores that recognise them.

[joebidengamingofficialacco]

i thought the twist was the guy was an infant until they said "he made $26 trading on Robinhood"

[DeltaDanner]

Rookie: So what did this guy do?
Chief: He’s a very dangerous computer hacker. You’ve probably heard of him, people online call him “4Chan”

[Crowssen]

I thought he said "No bitches" for a second

[go-gogodlike]

My god, he even uses a VPN. Who is this fourchan?

[zombieranger]

Imagine not posting your entire life story, political views, place of residence, goals, and feelings towards those you wish to do bodily harm on social media for everybody to see all for 👍x7.

[jimjam]

The twist:
They want him for tax evasion on that 26$

[sarahbums]

i came here to have a good time and i'm honestly feeling so attacked right now

[graalcloud]

"I've got it. We'll lure him in with a hot girlfriend that's really a spy"
"chief, his last post reads "sex with women is gay""

[LCTesla]

"no social media presence" is the new "no social security number"

[TheMugiMonster_]

“Patient is 26 years old, never had sex, never been to a concert, has no friends and doesn’t have a job. Run a brain scan, then check his browser history.”
“Says here he’s employed as a janitor. Could be cleaning chemicals?”
“Payroll shows no record, what else ya got?”

[Jaimas]

"Oh my god. Chief. Lab boys just got his background check back for us."
"And what did you find?"
"....He's 9, Chief."

[erdtroll]

Rookie:“what are we even huntin‘ this guy down for? What did he do that made this whole department hound him so bad?“

The Chief tightens his grip on his coffee cup, almost breaking it right in his hands. Saying the frustration was written on his face would be the understatement of the year, he forfeited all his nights in hopes he would come across any info on this phantom of a man. Like if it was the drop of water that would save him from thirst, the Chief drank the rest of his black coffee and turned to the Rookie. He put his hands on the young mans shoulder and, with a voice that held more contempt and malice than the Rookie thought could be contained in a single man, he spoke:“Jaywalking“.

[orbitalslingshot]

"Chief! Chief! The lab called and they analyzed the guy's keyboard and find that few letters are wiped out due to intensive use. Maybe the password?"
"Let's see, g-i-n-g-e-r.. nope. r-e-i-g-n.. dang it."

[fajile]

Not joking when i tried to change my address the local gov was like “oh so there you are.”

[axelprino]

I guess if someone tried to investigate me they might think I died in early 2020 since I kinda stopped doing stuff and haven't gone back to normal yet

[AvengerAtIlipa]

"Lieutenant, pull up his Steam transaction history."

[DJdoppIer]

_"Wait chief! We found something! It appears he's on Discord?"_
_"What is that?"_
_"It's like Facebook but for introverts."_
_"What do his logs say?"_
_"Unclear. It appears to be written in some sort of code. He refers to certain users as 'kittens'."_