How to Work with Someone You Can't Stand: The Harvard Business Review Guide

Sure, you could just argue with them. But if you have to work together, here are more productive ways for everyone to win.

00:00 Let me guess: you argue with someone you don't like, or complain about them, or ignore them, right?
00:26 I have a magic trick that will make that annoying co-worker ... less annoying.
01:22 Ask: How am I reacting?
01:40 What exactly is it that's bothering me, and why?
02:40 Separate behaviors from traits.
03:00 Is it really so bad to not like each other?
03:20 What DO I like about this person?
04:00 What might happen if I spent more time with this person? (Yes, this is a hard one!)
04:40 Can we talk about it?
06:15 Ok, nothing else works. What if I just ignore them?
06:55 Let's review!

Reading list:

Produced by Amy Gallo, Jessica Gidal, and Scott LaPierre
Video by Andy Robinson
Edited by Jessica Gidal
Design by Riko Cribbs, Karen Player, and Jessica Gidal

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[bunniewood]

I honestly feel that most people don't dislike work it's self. It's the being forced to be around people we don't like that is the hardest part of work life. Working from home has been a dream.

[agalva]

I appreciate the caveat at the beginning. Dealing with actual clinically verified narcissists isn’t something you can just “adapt to”. Good video.

[anushreenair]

I would say, keep your interaction to a minimum to absolutely what is required. Don't hope to make personal connections especially if they are the Machiavellian games playing sort. You will know that in a few weeks time.
Mind your own business, do your allotted work and report to your boss. Keep your boss in the loop about what's happening. If your boss is the jerk, you can try the above methods or ask for a change of team or find a more conducive workplace...
I think one can always work with people they dislike as long as both parties know how to handle their dislike but that is seldom the case. There will always be one jerk in the equation.
As I always say, friends in the workplace are a bonus. Being civil to everyone is work ethics. Don't know why that's so hard for people to understand.

[charlottepeukert]

Some people don't bring any value to the team.You don't like them because they're not doing their job or they're not doing it properly. They have no standards and think they should be paid for just being present at work. They are not helpful and create chaos instead of doing what they're supposed to do. They have excuses and bring nothing to the table.

[GirishVenkatachalam]

Toxic people must be fired. And narcissists are deadly dangerous.

[JonFD]

I work with someone who has a photographic memory- they often have unrealistic expectations of others, assuming (probably unconsciously) that everyone can do what they can. I’ve found the best way to deal with that is to be extremely clear about what I need from them in order for me to make good use of the info they share with me. I also ask that they send all communication through me when they have feedback about or tasks for a member of my team, in order to shield my team from their very blunt communication style. It’s a bit of work, but it prevents lots of misunderstandings and drama.

[AbsurdCats]

1. I assume it’s not me they don’t like.
2. I disliked and complained about a colleague not pulling his weight, ends up he is battling cancer
3. I disliked a colleague I thought was unknowledgeable for the position, he’s just older and I found he has great historic insights I applied to present projects.
4. I can be annoying, and I’m working on it.

[kokorospirit]

"What If I ignore them" - that is the one effective option with some personalities. Nevertheless in that case you are not working anymore with them, the relationship is already "broken". Nobody wants to spend time with someone they can't stand.

[orangewarm]

The key is understanding people. The pressures they are under, their backgrounds, their family situations etc. Even if you don't talk to them, you can understand them.

[sashachang]

In an ideal world. These are great tips but a lot of people aren’t mature enough for this. On both ends.

[lifesymphony]

I focus on the work not the person. I try not to mix personal matters with work. Whether I personally like them or not, can get along or can't, that doesn't matter. They are not paying me. I'm loyal to the salary I receive. I'm assigned and paid to do the job. That is what I always remind myself. Actually, I don't have anybody like that at work. They all are more hardworking than me. I know sometimes they try to create misunderstandings. I just ignore it and learn how to deal with the situation and the person for my peace of mind. I tell myself, your mental health is more important than messing up with this person.

[everythingelse_underthesun]

Great video and good to include the disclaimer of when to practice these strategies. It's a completely different scenario if the person has a noticeably higher level of power than you and the organization condones said behaviors.

[thabi_d]

My boss cusses at me eg. Foff, then turns back and tries to make small talk and expects me to laugh at his jokes. It's so annoying, stressful & toxic. He doesn't cuss at others though. I dread going to work daily. Trying hard to find another job.

[lifebeelifebee]

So glad that I am at the age and life position when I don't have to keep job if I do not like it or feel intoxicated by unhealthy environment, created by some folks who are drama and toxic, and not professional enough to keep it to themselves.

[ileoart]

Working from home neutralized most of the annoyance to me. I think it's related to people simply getting irritated from having to go somewhere she being stuck together.

[pgm]

New Manager has come in from a different field and made many many changes before learning the job, I feel exhausted knowing we will have to change everything back when it all goes wrong, I feel annoyed that even tho we have told her things are done this way for a reason - she's ignored us. It's also insulting that she thinks she knows better. 😢 I don't know what to do, many people have tried talking to her - she knows best.

[fatikay]

Dear Amy, I beg to differ. I tried ALL of these methods and honestly some people are just too comfortable with their insecurities instead of addressing them. Change is up to each and everyone of us. I am just happy I can detach myself and strive to become better. 😊🌸🌼

[createone]

I had a passive-aggressive assistant in the years before I retired. She was power hungry and just miserable to be around. The professional who preceded me in the job had had problems with her and allowed the assistant to pretend she was the boss. She bullied my intern. No support from admin. I retired. A couple of years later, the assistant actually died on the job.

[joemark]

Maturity is to realize this video is not about how to deal with 'annoying co-workers', but instead to have a better look at yourself and understand your own emotions.

That's what's truly important, no one can make you angry if you are happy within ! So just love yourself and it'll all be good 😊

[albewillbuild]

I really enjoyed thinking about this topic. I am not perfect by far, but what about taking command of your work life? If you can be honest about yourself and the situation, what about going to the boss and saying: "I'm not working with this person." I did it. I was professional, unapologetic, and, didn't get fired. They were shocked but just moved me to a different project. From this unorthodox approach, I believe that having to diagnose another person at that level of specificity is a negative draw on energy and overall productivity. If everyone is on board we leave egos at the door and focus all effort on the work. I work in construction and there just isn't time to think about how to say things. This needs to happen, do it, done.