The Agreeableness Paradox with Narcissistic Relationships

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[jadegreen]

“Elements of agreeableness like straightforwardness gets worn away. The capacity to communicate directly is taken away by narcissistic people” Dr Ramani.

[aynilaa]

I grew up with narcissists, so agreeableness and fawning have been my way to survive ever since.

[shar]

This is exactly me. Extrovert turned introvert....tired of caring more about everyone than they care about of drama, constant comparisons (spoken or unspoken), superficiality and bullshit. But happier than ever now because I give to myself what fills me up instead of feeling disappointed by others. Friendship sadly is overrated. I don’t know what to tell Gen Z....they are lonely....most of us can benefit from human connection if it’s reliably healthy but that’s so rare to find

[TJ-tfie]

My agreeableness was born from my mother’s narcissistic abuse. From there it reverberated through the rest of my life. Feeling the need to earn love. Friends, family, spouse and even my kids had benefited from my agreeableness.

[youngblood]

Narcissists can sense agreeable people a mile away, like a SHARK senses blood in the water.

[jennaywar]

I think, well I KNOW that my tendency to be agreeable came from my childhood. In order to keep the peace, I knew I had to do all that was expected of me. Good grades, being mostly quiet and respectful, doing my chores, no talking back, etc. The moment I showed the least bit of resistance, it felt like all hell would come raining down on me. Not physical beatings, but it sure did a number on my mental state. For years, I felt like I was walking around on eggshells, trying not to say or do anything to upset the delicate balance of the family. When I was about 17, I started rebelling big time. I had just had enough. That wasn't the best decision I've made, but in my teenage mind, it made sense💁‍♀️🤦‍♀️

[WeissdornDE]

Agreeable people give the benefit of the doubt, and they are loyal. They are more willing to assume blame and responsibility.

[urvashi-rbqy]

just today, i misplaced my bucket with someone else in my pg. i went to the worker to tell them about it, they told me my bucket hadn't been misplaced to shrug off their duty to replace stuff. after hearing him say that, i also said that it is my bucket. afterwards i felt so small for not believing my opinion in front of someone else.
i think it is rooted from my childhood to never question back anything what other people say. I want to remove this aspect of me as soon as possible but like all good things it will take time.

[NarcSurvivor]

Being agreeable with narcissists does not help. Because it’s like you’re agreeing to them abusing and destroying you, which ends up affecting them and then they blame you. And if you agree to their accusations, then you’ve got to do more to help them, and then you’re even less able to do that for them. And it’s just a vicious cycle where they end up running you into the ground. But then, they also don’t like boundaries or accountability. So there’s really no winning with narcissists.

[vikingdoula]

OMG! Thank you for this, Dr. Ramani! I finally have the answer to why I've become a "happy hermit" after my divorce from a very complex covert narc. I've always valued my alone time, but for most of my life, I really enjoyed social interaction. Maybe that was because as long as other people were around (and living with us, off and on, for many years), my ex was on his best behavior. Now, five years after our divorce, I definitely still value my friendships (many of them new), I NEED solitude more than ever! I didn't really know why until now.

[CTHou]

I think silent treatment could also be used to create agreeableness. My husband uses silent treatment without burst of anger to control me.

[claireplauche]

My sister used to call me a doormat...but she didn't mind using that to her advantage.

[breakthroughmoment]

Agreeable, going along to get along, people-pleasing behaviors are firmly rooted in fear. People can smell fear.

[privateprivate]

I am a target of narcissistic people. A lot of what Dr. Ramani has said here matches me, at least at first glance. I think I’ve matured from mostly empathy to discernment, as I’ve aged and especially with the learning of narcissism. This, perhaps, makes it confusing for what narcissists pickup on, from me. Here’s what I mean.

I think I “appear” like I won’t leave — but I have, more than once. I think they take my silence as fear, when it’s really observance. I think they think that me “staying” is tolerance, when it’s really just a few limited chances, before I ditch. Unfortunately for them, they feel, “Heh, I GOT THIS!” But then, they become perplexed and it’s uh oh time. What they thought I didn’t see and was afraid to address, was taken care of, by my absence. I’m not going to confront them. That’s a waste of my time. Time I’ll never get back. One I knew was verrry confrontational. So, I knew she was going to measure my empathy, by how confrontational I am. I’m not, so she didn’t see it coming. I will let them spin like a whirling dervish, in absolute delight, as they fantasize about what they think they’re getting away with and what they assuredly feel they will get away with. Later, they realize they were like the trash taking itself out.

[sallyfrost]

Wow! Dr Ramani is the best. Suddenly I see just how much of my agreeableness is a reflection of how unsafe I feel with others. People say I'm sweet like an angel but I always feel tense. I never realized that my sweetness is a shield until now. Thank you Dr Ramani

[Holeysocks]

Give them a second chance, AGAIN! That is the mistake we eventually wake up to, hopefully.

[nickus]

Just listening to these videos makes me feel so seen, heard and understood.

[mspheeincali]

❤ Dr Ramani getting her difficult on. Fighting for herself and us. The best reason in protecting ourselves and others. ❤

A shining strong example for everyone, she is.🙏

[emarie]

When people in your “friend group” in unhappy marriages smile curtly and say that you are a good wife because you are so agreeable - recognize that it’s NOT a compliment, it’s a clue.

[CowgirlKim]

Absolutely! Agreeableness/fawning/fear of anger 😳